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QUESTION After 10 Years, Here's Why I’m Over Online Dating | HuffPost

The article is from a heterosexual woman's POV, but I think any/everyone -- regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation -- who has done online dating over the past decade may (or may not) agree.

evestrat 8 Feb 18
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13

The dating market has become saturated. There are way too many choices and nobody wants to "settle". Everyone wants to keep their options open and seem to all have unrealistic expectations now. When you're in a candy store, most people want a piece of everything and not just one thing. It seems like people are career daters now in this generation. It's so easy to move onto someone else now when just one thing doesn't meet your expectations.

There was a window for online dating when it wasn't so saturated. I think that was probably the best time for the MAJORITY of people involved to find a match.

I remember when I was 21 and I had my first long term relationship. It was off of CollegeClub.com. It wasn't even a dating site. It was more like a Myspace. I dated some girls off of there too in the mid 2000s. Dating sites started in the mid 90s, but there were only a couple of them. They didn't explode until well after. It seems like if there are 100 million eligible daters out there, they're all on a dating website now.

There was actually a study done where too much choice is actually a hindrance in getting what you actually want and being satisfied.

10

I have read that online dating makes courtship like going to the grocery store. When the grocery store runs out of potatoes there will be more coming in soon. Sad really.

This. It's a buyer's market for relationships. If relationships were as easy as buying goods and services we'd all be successful. I'm alright with making all the right mistakes in the process of getting to know the right people at this point.

9

The only time online dating was genuinely online dating was in the beginning, sadly it has become a what I feel is a shopping list. This woman on Huff post talks sense.

7

"<relationships> happened because attraction and friendship were allowed to develop over time."
Online dating has commercialized it. People make their shopping list, meet someone and expect to be done. They sit across the table from someone with said list and start ticking boxes based on almost no information. And they're already thinking of a better more perfect match instead of putting effort into who they're with at the time. They expect to know the person and feel a connection within a couple of meetings. It's magical thinking. Connections are built over time. You have to behave intentionally.

Also many lie behind a screen. This site gives a more interesting positive approach than the usual dating sites.

7

I could have written this article! This is exactly how I feel. I have been on many online dating sites with the same results, nothing, natha, null, and I feel exhausted and disgusted.

Our 'stage of life', sense of values and being somewhat set in our ways and location only adds to the difficulty.

@JackPedigo Yes! Well, no, I'm not set in my ways but I certainly do enjoy intelligent banter. Lol! Location is most certainly a deal breaker. I wish I could get off this soggy peninsula!

7

Probably depends on your method and luck. I am married to an online date and we are heading for year twelve.

Thats good to know!

6

I absolutely get where she’s coming from. I tried it for several years with no success. It can be a very demoralizing thing if you let it. I just finally quit putting myself through the hassle. I never thought finding someone again would be so hard and at this point I’m pretty resigned to being by myself.

5

Exactly how I feel about it. I need to join a club or somthing.

What kinda club? Do tell!

@RushinroundWI Not sure, the only place around here that people seem to gather is church. I might check out the boxing place nearby, but that would interrupt gym time. I can’t really think of anything I can do because I have my son half the time, that’s why online dating sounded attractive, I can’t commit to a hard schedule.

Priorities! Son, than gym, than maybe dating... makes sense! You should wait on dating. Till you re-prioritize gym lol @Funandfondles

@RushinroundWI the gym is the way I keep my body from hurting and my brain soaked in endorphins. Few people talk at the gym, so I just put on headphones and ignore their presence, aside from practicing what would be considered common curtesy. What do you mean by reprioritize the gym?

Gym is great! Prioritizing gym over relationship? Not really so great. It should be a given that you want and need to keep yourself healthy, however when you bluntly put that you don’t have time for anything but gym, than you are not ready to date, and that just great too. @Funandfondles

@RushinroundWI I appreciate your opinion, but I need to go to the gym. When I did not go to the gym for a while, my body became so sore from work that I couldn’t do much besides work and even work was misrible. I’m typically free 2 nights a week if I don’t have my son, I’m not completely unavailable. Just FYI, I’ll be gone from this site for a while, too many people snap at me here, and I’d like to achieve a quieter mind, nothing to do with you.

Good luck with everything. People are snappy , here it seems at times even more. I hope it all works out for you! My schedule is even worse than yours so I figured no go for the show! Jk. Enjoy your son and physical wellness! I got hit on by men in gym, that’s an all right place for it lol better than bar. @Funandfondles

4

When I was searching years ago, it never worked for me. I met a few women. For myriad reasons, nothing progressed. Maybe I'm jaded, or maybe it's really not what I want, but the desire to jump through hoops and play the game is gone — not just online, but in general. Merely thinking about it feels exhausting. I honestly don't know what keeps people coming back time and again.

4

This line: "First dates in the online dating world aren’t dates. In the IRL dating world, two people are often acquainted, at least in some loose capacity, before dating, which creates, if not a respect, then a fear of consequences. Online daters have never been burdened by this."

She's right.

Our brains evolved to basically get us to pass our genes to the next generation, so it evolved a pattern of behavior where it mattered how you found and interacted with a potential mate, because usually the choices were few, and the consequences for not mating were great.

In the 21st century, mating is really a choice, not a biological prerogative, but our brains still don't know that.

4

Tried it for a short while. It seemed most of the women who were near my age and I may have been interested in, were Christians, and were looking for someone younger. No thanks. And the one's who were interested in me didn't seem to have paid any attention to my profile and my preferences. Two or three ladies with whom I had, what seemed to me, nice phone conversations, or message exchanges, always had some event looming which would put them out of reach for a period of time; then they would never get back to me, even though l had made the initial overture, or had responded very positively. Ah, well, it was a brief adventure.

4

Yea I've never put much emphasis on online dating, it's always been a roll of the dice. I still have a profile and what not, but I just leave it out there and go about my life. Like a fisherman sitting back in his boat enjoying the currents, rod cast without a care if he get a bite or not. I do get tired of having to be one that has to carry the damn conversation though, I may as well be talking to my birds. It's my biggest gripe that I encounter time and time again, where they just give simple low quality responses to whatever I say and never having much to say themselves. I know I've sometimes fallen victim to doing that, but only after I've been exhausted of everything.

4

To me she reeked of desperately wanted a husband.

Nah, she didn’t. She just got jaded, by low quality men who didn’t know what they wanted. Most people out there online, men and women alike, want the newest shinies thing! Well, not possible. I don’t personally have much online dating experience, had profile for two weeks and had several dates, one I though with potential. Nah, lazy dater, it’s again exhausting to do all the work without getting nothing back. I let that one go into ghosting works. Now I just hope and pray lol ???? been alone since, that just happened in December of 2017. Will be single a year this March. I am actually starting to enjoy it more and more.

@RushinroundWI
I've been single for 12 years since my wife broke our wedding vows and died on me. I do date now but a lot of times I only want company to eat dinner with at a restaurant then thank them and go about my life. I'm talkative, humorous, attentive and then go home without saying I'll call you. You would not believe the texts I get saying what's wrong, why haven't you written, can I come over, I thought we had something, don't you like me, are you gay?
The answer: As much as they tried to hide it it was obvious they were desperate to get a man, a husband. There are plenty of red flags if you pay attention.

@evestrat I'm sorry but that answer didn't make any sense to me. What is there to make an effort about? We went on a date. We both enjoyed our date. The end. The only reason any woman would complain about making more effort from a guy is if they wanted expected or thought they where due more. To be honest 99.9999% of women aren't worth the effort. Only ONE is and we'll let her know when we meet her.

@evestrat After my experience I see how important a strong base can be. I totally believe one must start out a relationship with a friendship in mind, nothing more. If things click later, other accommodations can be made. In this day and at some level, needs are important. It is easier and cheaper for 2 to live together as apart. However, I have known people who had a great friendship, with some physical benefits, but then decided to take it to the next level to only see it fail. One friend divorced but the couple went back to the friendship level and are still together.

@evestrat. You said it. She felt reciprocation was due her. I agreed.
I can see why you would like to stop here. Suits me.

Wow where does one begin deconstruction of what you just revealed about yourself.... nah really, you are not that original in your thinking that all the women want is to trap and poach a man to make him a husband. However the validity of it is so pathetically wrong on so many levels! You go have that nice non religious delusion of yours . I am glad I heard it out . Yuk! Have fun having random one night dinner dates! I’d really have thought that with certain level of introspection required to evaluate your place in this world and come to mere thoughts of invalidity of religions, one would be more advanced than accusing women of attempt in marriage scheme, I yet learned that I was an idiot! Bravo! You got me! I’m done talking now. @Anonbene

@JackPedigo. nothing in this life is guaranteed, all depends on intentions one starts their relationship based on. As I say, if you enter with concrete exit strategy in mind, while having multiple backup plans to fall onto, better not even start... you are already doomed to fail.

@Anonbene, I doubt that many here are at all aware of it always being open season on widowers. Even my own friends see a widower as MUST have (right now?) marriage material.

I have also been widowed 11+ years and totally understand wanting JUST dinner with someone. I can even be up front about that, but still get called out for not giving sex or for not wanting a relationship/marriage.

If there was a site for those seeking platonic company, I might try it. I get that a "dating site", despite clearly having a "just seeking friends" options, mostly draws those seeking more.

Sorry about the passing of your wife.

@RushinroundWI I mentioned this before that, with me, it seems that when I stopped looking is when someone came along. Unfortunately, this doesn't work if one is intentionally using the stop looking gamble.

@Zster yeah I took a bunch of crap for that didn't I? Broads can't comprehend you not falling all over them even though they claim they hate when men do that. 🙂
You can almost hear them say, but I have a vagina! Sorry honey so does something like 3,7 billion other women. My wife pointed out the hypocrisy and games women play, even here. She called them out on it too. Once you know how the trick is done the magician becomes just another human.

@JackPedigo I'm looking for a quality woman that is worth my time and effort. Most of them aren't as you can see by some responses on this and other threads here. If a man holds himself in as high esteem and demands the same out of a relationship that women do for themselves they get called mysogynists. I think it's funny.

I honestly don’t know what the game is out there looks like. I have not played it. I don’t know many women out to trap widowers, guess I’m fairly young and naive. What I see is a difference in expectations, I bet if the boundaries setup from the very beginning, as they should be, and expectations are clear, a female would not need to trap and poach ????@JackPedigo

@Anonbene you don’t even know what the bunch of crap looks like lol. Your game is not as original as you might think. And it’s valid to have different expectations from people. However, you state there’s no quality women in your dating puddle, start from looking at yourself. And good luck with dinners!

@RushinroundWI There are a lot of women and men who have been married a long time. All of a sudden they are on their own and don't know where to turn. Often relationships/marriages become ones of convenience. My aunt and uncle were in this boat - and fought constantly. It gets worse the older one gets and since women outlive most men there is more competition. Some women become "cougars" which is nice if one has the physique and energy.

What was the point of cougar message? (Scratching head). I’m missing something here. @JackPedigo

@RushinroundWI Cougar women are on the rise [urbandictionary.com]

Lol. Oh boy. That’s why 20 year olds hitting on me? @JackPedigo

@RushinroundWI Funny, I tried the link and it was different than what I sent. Anyway, maybe this will be a good time for older women. Actually, it has been this way for older men for a long time and I find it yucky.

4

I gave up online dating a long time ago.

3

I've done the online thing for years - in between relationships. And my last two serious connections of 4 1/2, and 3 1/2 yrs respectively , were both people I met online !

Sure, I won't deny sometimes being frustrated nearly out of my mind by some of the scammers, total rudies, downright obnoxious A-holes, and stalker types I came across while there. But over time I've also chatted with some fascinating, interesting, funny, and downright charming folks. The biggest obstacle I cam across - as on here, is distance.
I even made a joking correlation of it : the higher the level of attraction I have to someone - the more miles there are between us ! And of course as time goes on , the more likely one is to be firmly planted where they live, and far less likely to ever consider moving.

I recognized early on that I needed to have a resilient sense of humor,  and to not take anything personally,  even the occasional out-of-the-blue angry attacks by perfect strangers, for no apparent reason whatsoever !  
I write back and forth a little,  usually do some phone time (much can be learned then !),  and meet at a neutral location - like a park ,  with no money spent on either side.  
I still see the value in online meets,  as too often we're all living parallel lives, that often do not intersect with any sort of target rich environment.  And I no longer work full time,  thus that pool of possible prospects at a full time company etc., is also gone.
1

I understand the frustrations with online dating sites. However, despite not finding a romantic partner, I've met several interesting people through a couple of dating sites that I don't think I would have met otherwise. I put a lot of time into writing my profiles, and I look for others who have done the same. Most of my messages get ignored, but not all.

1

Oh I have plenty of experience with it over the past couple decades, I met my second wife online.
It is, as mentioned by another, overwhelming in volume of people to view. And as stated you tend to like and continue to looking for a better fit . I like it because of the chatting however I am not trying my butt off to get a date, that is easy, it is the liking and many times the person you meet is not the one you thought to be

EMC2 Level 8 Feb 19, 2018
1

3 months in and gave up....she is right....endless faces no connection....I am out of it...

1

I began online dating in 1999. At first it was much better, it was a way of meeting people and as I do not live in a population centre, and was willing to travel a little it was good. I made good friends and did have a relationship that last a few years wonderfully and we even moved in together, that killed it.
Now, many of the ladies that were on the dating sites in the past 10 years are still there. I guess it is the same for the guys. I do not contact women any more on these sites, and they do not contact me, I check about every month or 2 but no-one catches my interest. I see myself as a big part of the problem, my life is pretty good, I would love a loving partner and happy relationship, but I also don't want to risk my happy life again. I am far from celibate so I don't need to find a partner for sex, I do have lady friends for social activities, beach, lunch, country drives, conventions. it would be great to have it all wrapped up in one person, but at my age unlikely. So many women I know feel the same way. I don't think the issue is online dating. I think the issue is people. We have changed, our needs are not the same as they were in the past. I think we are in online dating because the offline world hasn't worked, now we find the online world doesn't work either. I see it would be the same for the lady who wrote the article.

1

This is a good article and it makes a lot of sense.

It sounds like a lot of the problem is with the members as much as the organizations. When someone notifies me I make an effort to answer in as friendly a way I can. I also screen as much as I can. I have a high set of values and will not budge on some things but am flexible on others. It can be a frustrating medium but that is the way things are today. I joined several dating clubs before I met my late partner and nothing ever came out of it, except some interesting experiences. Funny, I met her through a referral from my brother-in-law and it was a perfect match. This way can work if one has a friends/relations that are willing to help (be sort of match makers).

BTW Ours was a long distance relationship. We spent 2 months on the phone before meeting and then another 8 months seeing each other only occasionally. A strong base was established and the fickle chemistry thing did not intrude. I think that is still the best and often tell that to potential dates. I seem to be the only one who subscribes to this. All the others want to meet as fast as possible.

@evestrat I have also noticed that. Supposedly men are goal oriented and women process oriented. I am an anomaly for my gender and sometimes find the process is as rewarding as the goal.

1

I tried it for about a year. Then gave up on it.

1

It's a superficial shit show. Expect that going in, and you won't be disappointed.

Marz Level 7 Feb 18, 2018
1

Tried it for a short while. It seemed most of the women who were near my age and I may have been interested in, were Christians, and were looking for someone younger. No thanks. And the one's who were interested in me didn't seem to have paid any attention to my profile and my preferences. Two or three ladies with whom I had, what seemed to me, nice phone conversations, or message exchanges, always had some event looming which would put them out of reach for a period of time; then they would never get back to me, even though l had made the initial overture, or had responded very positively. Ah, well, it was a brief adventure.

0

But you’re on here looking.

Sorry. I read the header only. @evestrat

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