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What would YOU tell her?

My sister is a churchie. A super-churchie. She belongs to one of those elitist, millenial churches in an affluent suburb. Life church or some bullshit. Anyway she is a very sweet girl, but quite the follower. Whatever the churchie trend of the day is she will hop right on it. I love her despite these things but it can be rather aggravating.

Anyway 7 years ago the trendy Life church thing to do in Edmond was to show how great a christian you were by adopting a foreign child and bringing them here to the US to live with you as part of your family. She already had 4 kids of her own but her husband was making a lot of money so they decided to do this as well. They spent close to $50k with fees and trips and whatnot. Finally the Ethiopian government approved their adoption of a young boy from an orphanage in Addis Ababa.

The entire time (over 18 months) they were going through the process I kept warning her "you know this is not a puppy, right?" and she'd always answer "oh we love this little boy. He'll be a welcome part of our family". I coudltn help but think she was getting in WAYYY over her head. Just like other things her and her rather naive husband had done in the past with bills and contracts and purchases and other stuff. As a big brother I was usually thinking "I told you so" and she knew it.

They get the little boy to the states and from the beginning his background story constantly changes. He was supposed to be 6 but there was no way he was under 8 and probably closer to 9. The orphanage advised them he was surrendered to them following his mothers death in a neighboring village. Turns out he was surrendered by an uncle who had tried to care for him for 2 years after his mother passed while living in a rather distant village ... meaning he spoke a dialect that none of the other kids spoke there. He was a sweet little boy but knew not a word of english when they brought him to Oklahoma and tried to send him to public school while they home schooled their other kids. I was already rolling my eyes and shaking my head.

Years go by with various amounts of conflict. My brother in law loses that great job and they move to idaho to take another and she has to go back to work as a nurse. The state tries to help the little boy adjust - now having been here 6 years ... but serious psychological problems are creeping in and he has become highly angry and aggressive. Especially to my sister. She actually fears for her safety.

Tonight she tells me that they're trying to find a way to relinquish custody. I guess to the state of Idaho. I'm sorry but this infuriates me. She ripped that kid from his home, even if it was an orphanage, and brought him to the US. Forced him into a strange environment, treated him as an outsider in her family, and when he has mental issues she wants to abandon him??? He's a human being. Not a pet. And they are his family now. I don't know what to say or if I should say anything. I'm by far not the best parent in the world My own kids will barely talk to me. But I would never do something like this.

Thoughts? advice?? grrrrrrrrrrr ...

JeffMesser 8 Feb 11
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7 comments

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1

That is a tough one. I'm sort of torn on this one, even tho I've never wanted kids or been a parent, because of the experience of a longtime friend with something like this. My friend is a social worker who adopted a kid as a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome when she was single, from a mom that was an addict. My friend knew what she was in for as she was first a foster mom for the boy before adopting him. She soonafter met a divorced guy that was a single parent with kids that were already about out of the nest. They got married after dating a year or so. She is atheist and he is Catholic. This poor boy has been mentally screwed his whole life from the fetal alcohol stuff, resulting in ADHD and also behavioral problems since he was very young. Tons of meds, therapy, shrinks, etc.

He has had a bunch of school suspensions, fights with other kids, done internet stalking and harassment of other kids. His parents have tried everything they can and are hoping that a program called Job Corps., that they have enrolled him in, will eventually take him so he will have a place to live and a way to get employed once he turns 18, less than a year away. Because when he does, they are going to evict him from their home. He is abusive to them, verbally and sometimes physically as well as destructive to property. My point is that sometimes parents can do everything right, but the kid is too screwed up and they have no real choice but to either save themselves or let the kid destroy their life. And after age 18, he is not their responsibility anymore anyway legally.

1

Tough one. You did what you could. Unfortunately, good intentions do not overcome reality. I too feel sorry for the boy.

1

Wow... First off I would point out that she isn't being a good christian if she is trying to return the boy. Instead she should keep him and pray to god he changes. Isn't that what she is supposed to do?

My old inlaws adopted a kid who was around that age... From the States though. But his mother was a druggie and he was raised in a little hell hole. He was malnourished and had a mean temperment. He would hoard food and hide it throughout the house. He scared them several times walking around the house with a kitchen knife... That sort of thing. It took tens of thousands of dollars of therapy for them to be right and the kid to even start to improve.

Been divorced for 3 years now and I haven't read where he has killed anyone... yet.

2

When I saw your post, this was the first thing that came to mind. Her "orphaned" child may not be an orphan. If there is any way to do it, I would do some research to see if that child is actually an orphan and not a child that was trafficked.

[theatlantic.com]

2

"Inasmuch as you have done it to the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me." That is supposedly what Jesus will say when he takes people to heaven; he is rewarding them for visiting the sick and those in prison, caring for others, etc. Put it to your sister that what she is doing to the young man who IS her SON, is that she is trying to discard him now that the going has gotten rough. Would Jesus do that? Would he give away one of the "sheep" that he as the shepherd cares for? Of course not! Neither should she or her husband try to discard this young man. At least try to find him help, a group home, a boarding school, a foster family. Ask her to think about "WWJD" -- what would Jesus do? And tell her to search her heart and think about whether it is Satan that is leading her to this callous, unfeeling choice.

Also: how much 9f her fear may be due to the fact that many of images we see in the media of young black men portray them as dangerous? I don't want to overlook a real danger, but I just wonder how much of her fear is based on reality and how much on perception?

(Sorry for all the church-speak; 9 years in parochial school and more years of church time after that has given me the ability to speak the lingo, more or less. You can tell her that you talked her situation over with a friend from another congregation and this is what the friend said. She doesn't need to know that the congregation is agnostic.com and that you've never met me in your life.)

2

I think it would be important to talk to her about the promise she made to him when she adopted him. And in her world, she made a promise to god.

To homeschool her own kids and send him to public already treated him like an outsider from the get go.

The poor child must be miserable from being passed around. And then to be forced leave his own country and region that speaks his language must be awful.

Maybe he can return to Ethiopia. But who knows what life he’d have there outside the protection of the orphanage.

Missionaries walk away from the messes they create. But when they bring people here and expect them to adapt without the same opportunities as others, e.g. not being homeschooled like the rest of the family, then give up on them, it’s messed up.

1

The kid deserves better but they took him in. What kind of fucking parents are they? Sorry, I know they are family. And you were right, he is not a puppy, but I get pissed when people unprepared take in a puppy. Are they dumping their own kids? Is that the "xtion" way to act? And does being in f'ing Idaho, the white supremest capital of the US, have anything to do with their decision? I volunteer to copy and send any advice you get here to them. If I think of a real solution I'll get back. Letting the kid go, though, seems cruel.

Find out the name of the orphanage and message it to me. I know a gent from Ethiopia who runs an orphanage there with his wife. She is there and he is here in the States to raise money. He is a good man, for a zealous Christian but if it is the same place I'll make time to visit. I've not seen him in over a year. We communicate seldom, I taught his kids, and they Facebook me.

@Beowulfsfriend I will see if I can find the name. It was thru some churchie agency that coordinated with the orphanage and the ethiopian gov't. in addis ababa

@JeffMesser i don't know how his place does adoption. Many of the kids stay there and get work when grown.

@Beowulfsfriend She says the agency and orphanage are both closed now. The agency was "Adoption Advocates" from Washington state and the orphanage was "Layla orphanage" in Addis Ababa.

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