It was a good run, 11 weeks, just short of 3 months... but now it's over. And I can't even say it's anything I did, even though I'm the one who decided to end it....

Initially she showed a lot of insecurity, but I accepted that as the results of her having had (as she said) several very bad relationships, one which was physically abusive, as well as a rape about 15 years ago. She said I was the first decent guy she'd ever been with.

About 4 weeks ago, while traveling on business (again, by her account, which I accept, but I have only her word for any of this), she was assaulted by a manager in her company. The police apparently didn't find enough evidence to file charges, she says, so he still works there, in a different city- but the word went around and people in her office are talking about her behind her back and to her face. I urged her to get the EEOC involved, since she's facing a very clear harassment situation. She's afraid they would just fire her. But once you file a complaint, it's illegal for the company to fire you in retaliation. Still no dice; she is determined that she can stick it out, even though she's throwing up before work from the stress.

I also urged her to get help from a crisis center of some kind; some type of mental health professional who she can talk to and work out some of the things that are going on (not just the current situation, because she says she has whole weeks where she can't sleep, going back years). She says her insurance doesn't cover mental health treatment. I have never heard of this, but OK. How about free crisis intervention? No; she will be okay, she says; she always is eventually. How about getting a different job? No; she doesn't think she could get another one that would pay enough.

And yet, about once a week all along, I've had to reassure her that I'm not "too good for her", and that she's not "stupid" (her words!!) because I have a master's degree and she didn't finish college. Her self-esteem is in the tank. She shows all the signs of a bipolar disorder, way up one week, down to the bottom the next.

And this week, she has been refusing to see me because "she's a wreck". Finally she wrote once again that she's "not good enough" and called herself "a filthy whore" (?!?!?!?!), blaming herself for the things that keep happening to her. This time she says a waiter brushed her breast and it's her fault. (?????) I don't know where the fuck she's getting these ideas. She's brought this up before, right after being assaulted; the idea that she "did something" to bring it on. I told her; no woman ever asks to be attacked. But she doesn't believe me, she blames herself and I don't know why. She wanted to take a break. From us? I asked. From everything, she replied. I reassured her that I love her (and I do), but now she's taken off out of state after a day where we barely communicated. Normally she would have bombed my phone with a dozen or forty "I love you" messages.

So while I love her, I'm not sure she loves herself. And I don't think love is enough if she's not going to take care of herself. I am not a mental health practitioner and I don't have it in me to ride the roller coaster of her emotions like this.

So after two sleepless nights, I finally told her I had no choice but to let her go. I asked her to please get help, from a crisis center, a victim's resource center, the church (she is sort of vaguely Xian but doesn't go anymore), anywhere. And to please apply for a job somewhere else and just see what happens.

And I apologized... because I'm sorry I couldn't be what she needed.

So anyway... I'm single again. Time to get back in the pool and reactivate my dating profiles, I guess.