I'm trying to figure out if being too much myself on a first date is a bad thing or if I should treat dating like a job interview. Should I act better than I truly am?
I might dress up a little for a date, but that's because with my work, I usually run around in yoga clothes all day. That said, I might still wear matching yoga suits on a date. I probably put on makeup a couple times per year. Jewelry? I'm not quite sure where it even is.
I don't have a filter, and I know it.
I like you. Wanna be friends? ?
@Blizzard, we'll see how long you can stand the weird.
@TaraMarshall weird is my home planet!
@Blizzard, maybe I should have said weirdest... You'll understand later.
I am comfortable with a date being himself, however, now that I am old, the men that I have dated, who are my age have been quite an eye opening experience. For some reason, men my age seem to be absolutely obsessed with sex. From the first moments, they start asking me about how I feel about various aspects of sex. Never any getting to know each other, it's straight to sex. I wonder if they think it makes them feel young and virile, when all it does is make them seem like nasty old horn dogs. I guess I'm glad they are being themselves, because I find out that I don't want another date, right off the bat. I wonder why they act that way. I'm a very free thinking, tattooed, old pagan woman, but that doesn't mean that all I want to talk about is sex. It is very strange.
I must refer you to this sage advice from the past generations haha
@Nickbeee Thanks for the advice. I will definitely consider it, if I ever have another man interested in me.
I think it's kind of funny as some men have moved on for sure @Wisewoman3 Though there is definitely wisdom there. I know quite a lot of men are still stuck in the 40's .... the 1340's
I would rather be with someone who is comfortable being himself on a date than a pretentious phoney, or worse yet, someone with secrets to hide. Uneasy people make me uneasy.
Understood. I think I wrote my post poorly. I seemed to have lead people to believe I meant to lie or act like a phony. I just meant, things like do you dress better than you typically would or smile and laugh more than you would. Those kinds of innocent flirty things many people do. The reason I asked the question in the first place had more to do with developing from a first date into something more long term.
Don't lie, but be the best version of yourself. And try to be that version as often as you can regardless. That's my suggestion. But I'm single, so take my advice with a grain of salt.
I wasn't suggesting lying. What I was saying is possible to be too much yourself. Should I dress better than I usually would? Should I smile and be more positive than I frequently am?
Always be yourself, otherwise they may be attracted to the facade and not who you really are. You will then either have to keep up the facade permanently, which will not be possible, or run the risk of them breaking up with you when they realise the truth. If they do not like you for who you are then it simply is not meant to be. I find insecurity a huge turn-off. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin is always far more attractive.
@Blindbird I think you misunderstand what I was getting at here. There is a world of difference between acknowledging one's own flaws but being comfortable with them, and acknowledging them but being insecure and paranoid about them.
I have dated girls who were insecure about their looks and constantly wanted reassurance about them, to the point it became an issue. Insecurities can lead to jealously and possessiveness, which are not attractive personality traits. I have found that women in their 30s are less prone to this than girls in their 20s, as they have grown comfortable in their own skin and as we all know, confidence is sexy.
I am actually one of the most self-reflective people I know. I have identified and acknowledged all of my shortcomings and actively try to improve upon those that can be improved upon, and the ones that cannot be improved I am comfortable with and I simply ensure others are not effected by them. If more people would/could do likewise the world would be a better place, with less ego getting in the way and screwing things up.
Be honest. I'm not suggesting turning up to a date looking like "Johnny from The Shining" but be yourself.
That's only what you want from your date ?
especially if he IS (looking like) 'johnny from the shining' i insist that he be himself - so i can organise my immediate retreat
I'm just me. That's the way it is. I'm not sure if it helps me in dating but it helps me as a person, and helps me in dealing with others. If you are black I don't "talk your language" and do your handshake. Again, I'm just me. I'm this way with all people of every race and color. Once in Texas I took a new friend of mine with me as I went to see a family of black people I knew. He embarrassed me and them. As we left the hostess of the house told me at the door "you know you are welcome here any time but don't ever bring that son of a bitch back here again." It was good advice as my ignorant white friend had already went on towards the car.
Just be yourself. It's the best advice I can give.
Great answer!
I think confidence is considered one of the most attractive traits, which is being comfortable in your own skin. If you like who you are others will like who you are. Don't try to act better because you'll just have to try and keep that up or you look ridiculous later when they find out that's not who you are. If the don't like you on the first date then you've saved a bunch of time. Who wants to get all invested in something that's not going to work out.
As long as you are not hiding a nutjob personality beneath it all then yes, be yourself. Don't be pretentius.
especially the nutjob personality i want to see revealed from the get-go.
I haven't read all the previous posts on this one, but here's my recommendation: always be authentic, while at the same time, empathetic. Some may be attracted, right from the start, to edginess—saying the first thing that pops into one’s head, without considering the impact. While others may wonder why this person sitting across from them is always cutting them off, spouting an unsolicited opinion and appearing self-absorbed. First dates are indeed like an interview—only it goes both ways, and there’s no power dynamic (or at least, there shouldn’t be). Sometimes we see what we hope to see in others, while at other times we project what we think others want to see.
I don't get that. Who are you supposed to be, one the first, or secong or fifteenths date?
Of course, no matter their details, age, sex, weight...whatever, it makes people around them more relaxed. Also, I am afraid of woman that wear a lot of make up, it is too bad many do not know how to wear it properly.
I'm a complete dork on dates because I get nervous and awkward. I laugh too much, I talk too much, I share way way too much, you get the idea. That sometimes gives off the impression that I'm more fun and outgoing than I naturally tend to be, but I don't purposely set out to mislead. I guess it's an over-exaggerated version of myself because, IRL, I spend a lot of time being quiet and keeping to myself but that makes for a very boring date.
The fact is, most of us have a variety of personality traits, so we are honestly never going to be totally ourselves at any given moment. I'd say, if you're trying to attract someone, be authentic, don't "act" like anything you're not, and, if you're nervous and awkward like me, don't be afraid to admit it.
Do you!
Eventually you will wind up being you anyway, so why not do it from the get-go?
I haven't dated in 4-EVER, and I'm into men if I'm dating, but whenever I meet anyone, male ot female, my 1st goal is to make a genuine freind of them.
I'm gonna judge someone on if you would be good friend material ot not. You can keep freinds long term. If you go into a relationship trying to figure out if they are date material or not, many times you can miss out on some great friendships and hang-out buddies...something that we ALL need...
(I'm the type person that if you don't qualify to make it to the "friend-zone", you will NEVER make it to become a date!
I won't EVER date someone that I can't even be freinds with! Deeper feelings and more inclusive and less restrictive relationships can't be forced, but can evolve naturally from out of friendships.)
Personally, I kind of feel like I come off better on paper though, because I can collect and organize my thoughts.
When I show up in person I'm not shy, but I tend to keep my foot in my mouth a lot because when I say something, my thoughts aren't as organized and it doesn't come out sounding like I wanted it to.
I come out sometimes sounding a total goof-ball, but hopefully a likeable one. I'm sincere.
i wished everyone would just be, without trying to appear as someone he/she is not. it makes for a more relaxed atmosphere, encouraging everyone else in the vicinity to unknot & just be genuinely imperfect.
ultimately what we all want is love, which became the reason for all the faking & pretense, trying to be our 'best'. but we are not, & it doesn't work that way; instead we all just become anxious. let's just all relax in our fallibility.
Confidence is extremely attractive to me. However, there is a fine line between confidence and being cocky.
I don't think you should fake being anything in order to get attention. Be yourself. Either that person likes you for you, or you find someone else that will.
No be yourself. The truth will always come out.
The only way to be is yourself. Let your true colors shine through. Honesty is always the best policy. If you don't, they you are lying to them and yourself.
You are not going to be the only person in the room. The other person would like to know that you were considerate enough to put your best foot forward, as they will most likely be doing. That said, you need to be yourself, but be the best version of yourself.
I think eventually, our true selves come out and if people don't like who we really are, would we want to be with that person? And, we should never concern ourselves about fitting someone else's standards for a date. If you're looking for something serious, ask yourself if you see that person with you in the future? When it's right, there will be no doubt!
Great question. Confidence and humor are magnets for me and are much more important than what you wear. I love jeans, tennies and t-shirts, but to go out I would definitely upgrade from that. It would still be something I enjoy wearing and that represents me.
Popeye said it best. "I am what I am and it's all I can be!" I follow few protocols these days. I don't like to shave but do it every 8-9 days because I'm unable to grow a full beard. I played in the mud growing up and don't like to dress up. I'm severe casual and I've learned that being myself is the only way to attract someone who can deal with it. I place reality on the table and leave the choice up to them. I'm single. I have been for awhile. I love me and understand that I'm searching for someone very special because that's what it will take to bring me out of my shell. #introvert #turtle