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Negging
So I've been seeing some negging on here lately and I'd like to talk about it. For anyone who doesnt know negging is the tactic of tearing down a partner or potential partners self esteem with the intent of making them feel like they're so pathetic that you're the only romantic option they have. This is something done across the board but its particularly popular among men.

Signs to watch out for are people who denigrate others for things like make-up, clothing choices, sexual history and the ever popular " insecurity is such a turn off!". Little tip, the only people without insecurities are psychopaths. It's a defining characteristic of the disorder. Questioning ourselves and being honest about our shortcomings is what makes us decent people.

If someone says things that make you feel bad about yourself regularly. You are not imagining it. Those are toxic people and I beg you to get as far away from them as fast as you can. This practice is extremely destructive to the victim . The practitioners can be very subtle. Listen to your intuition.

Again this is something that happens to men,women and those who identify as other.
Stay safe, love you guys

OpposingOpposum 9 Mar 26
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23 comments

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6

Really I haven't seen it. The only complaint I have regards texting. You cannot have a meaningful conversation with someone without talking. You need to have a voice. I need to hear it. No more texting for me.

6

Pretty good piece there Blindbird. Thanks for sharing.

Thank you. I have fallen victim before and if I can help someone else avoid those mistakes I'd be happy.

6

Denigration is never good in any form. From what I have seen in this group, people tend to be above such a thing. I would hope that this would be a good group for growth and enrichment. Broadening one's horizons so to speak.

It generally is a very good group. However I have noticed a new member who exhibits this behaviour and decided to put this out there.

@Aralt male in the instance I witnessed. As I said though, I've known women to do it as well.

5

Its men's insecurities I think that causes this bullshit.

It is insecurity and viewed objectively its a fairly successful strategy for getting and keeping exclusive access to a mate. Not the biggest, baddest or most attractive male around? Get a female and gaslight her into complete emotional/financial dependance on you. Doesn't make it subjectively more palatable but it does explain why it happens and why it's as widespread as it is.

I hate that macho bullshit. my asshole brother=in-law has broken my sister like that. fucking bullying prick. I hate bullies.

@LeighShelton I'm so sorry. Having that happen to someone you love sucks.

I'm just not like that, I think you should both be equal like a two-piece jigsaw and complement each other but it's partly her fault too for allowing it to happen. it's probably why I'm single but I get no drama and never argue. thanks anyway @Blindbird. I would hate the thought of someone being with me because they had too rather than wanted to.

5

This reminded me of a clip from Family Guy:

Yep

5

It's very common for abusers to use this so if you've noticed a potential partner doing this there is a good chance that he or she may be an abuser

Yes. That is very true.

5

I have not heard that term before but I sure am aware of the behavior! It's a really shitty and abusive thing to do to someone.

Thanks for sharing.

4

I hadn't heard that term before today.
I haven't seen very many instances of that on here. I imagine it exists
everywhere, and no place is immune.
I also tend to ignore people who do that, to the point where it barely even registers.
It seems I notice it more when it's done to others, than when it's directed at me.

Yes. The problem is that not everyone is very secure. We have some members who I feel are particularly vulnerable and I don't want to see them get hurt. I'm mama bearing I guess. We've got a new member who looks like a fox in a henhouse to me.

@Blindbird Can't say that I've noticed. Not sure if that makes me self-absorbed, or just oblivious. Not sure which is worse. 😉

@KKGator neither. You're secure in yourself and thats great. It's not true of everyone, though it would be nice if it were.

@Bierbasstard Okay, color me oblivious. What am I missing?

@Bierbasstard lol I may be guilty of all three.

@Blindbird You wouldn't be alone!! 😉

3

You mean mister incoherent verbose makeup is bad?

Yes, yes I do.

@Blindbird yeah that was a lot of bloviating that said almost nothing.

@memorylikeasieve not really look up the terms, well educated. Thanks for the judgment.

@Etre if the shoe fits...

3

I've heard of doing it in person, but I didnt' know people did it online.

I'm exactly the opposite. I'll find as many ways as possible to pay a compliment.

By the way, I luuuuuvvvv the way you use splashes of sunlight in your selfies!

Bahaha. Thanks. I enjoy the whimsy of your profile pic!

@Blindbird Just call me Peter, as in Cottontail or Lord Whimsy.

3

I didn't know there was a word for this, but an ex used to try to do this to me. Unfortunately for him by that point I had already recognized him as a manipulative abuser and didn't let it get to me. I was already planning to escape. He would talk openly about his own sexual history, but any time something about mine came up he would initiate FULL MELTDOWN mode and shame me for it.

Oh yes. Mine would frequently bring up how he couldn't believe I'd had kids with my ex, how he felt my line of work was beneath his social status and how my sex drive made me "deviant" as a woman. Anything they can latch onto.

@Blindbird It's just as pitiful as people who have to have the last word when they're clearly in the wrong! 😉

@WickedNicki looool. Is that guy still arguing with himself back there?

@Blindbird For the sake of my sanity I haven't checked.

@Bierbasstard well in his case, he was stating that A) it was the only reason I was with him(but he was somehow too good for me at the same time?) And B that it was only a matter of time until I cheated on him despite the fact that I've never cheated on anyone in my life. Crazy and crazy making

@Bierbasstard @Blindbird I too have dealt with that and never in my life have cheated. So weird.

3

If you think this is a serious problem, it would be worth flagging it up to the Admin. This is a very welcoming and supportive site in general and a lot of us feel able to be open and honest on it. it would be a pity for anyone to be upset or put off making friends by such negative behaviour. When you see it, call it out. Maybe the person/people involved don't realise they are doing it but have got into bad habits.

I did call out the one I came across. I felt a discussion of the issue was a good idea. We have some vulnerable members and I'd be sad to see them fall prey to this.

@Blindbird really you are a psychologist, again.....

@Etre stop tagging me. Creep

@Blindbird I've been on here less than a week and I've noticed negging. Generally from young, white, angry guys who see this forum as a way to blast anti-feminist rhetoric. I assume they aren't getting the responses they believe they are "entitled" to get.

@Louie406 I suggest you read the entirety of the post. She started this thread in reaction to post that I made from an experience I posted about wilst in my twenties. I reported the matter to a moderator who is a Psychologist.

Yes you are right. No law was broken. But since the conversation was directed at me I have every right to defend myself and Honor. Accusations and horrible statements were directed at me.

First of all how can you negg someone on this platform. I made a post about my experience with my exwife wilst in my 20's, full of ego and pride. The post was taken out of context ans she went into this rant about she feels like she is seein negging on here. ..... really.... oh by the way I posted in education and philosophy.... i did not post in lets hook up for a date. The facts are in the details, which most know nothing of.

Thank you for your time.
Etre

2

Thanks for the post, Blindbird. It's worthwhile for all of us to know.

2

That's pretty fucking manipulative.

Yep

2

That's the first sign of a narcissist. That's when you know you have to leave as soon as possible. And you have to do it in the dead of night without him/her even knowing.

Yep. Wish I'd known.

@Blindbird yea...not something everybody knows. It happens to alot of people. Some people won't show their toxicity until later into a relationship anyways.

@sadoslim yeah. One of the reasons I felt compelled to write this post.

@Blindbird, I don't blame you. I'm in a poly-relationship. My wife and I have our separate things going because we have so much love to give. We try not to make each other feel bad by voicing what's on our minds all the time. Sometimes we have a little difficulties, but we work so wonderfully together. I actually think when we became poly, our sex life became so much stronger and better. Even though it was already amazing before...it just made it that much better. I think the most important thing is that we love each other very much and try to listen and communicate with one another without belittling each other. It's definitely an interesting situation. I've always felt poly and this is the first relationship where I could do it.

2

I've never heard that term before, but I've seen it.

2

I don't believe anyone can make me FEEL any way I don't want to feel.

Guess I'm a psychopath.

And anyone trying to do that on here is out of line ...

You nailed it. The first paragraph anyway. I find that its only words. If i called someone a Son of a bitch in greek and they didnt understand it, are they insulted? Its all in the interpretation.

Yeah, you might have to be a high level of psychopathy then. If you aren't effected by your surroundings, that is a good indication. My friend Otto used to say this years back. Then I would piss him off on purpose. When he got pissed, I would say,"So you want to be pissed?" The first time (the only times after that were when he was drunk...haha). He said, yes it is my choice. So I pissed him off more. A lot more. "You must really like to be pissed, then. Shall we continue?"....haha...good times, good times...hehe

@JayJackson even if they did understand Greek - but they also have a solid sense of self, chances are good they won't be effected too deeply - or perhaps at all. To me, it's our choice how we react to something.

1

Hubby #1 literally beat the crap out of me regularly.
Hubby #2 made me feel I was woohoo lucky he was willing to stay with me.
The most painful, by far, was hubby #2.

1

Never heard of that term before, thank you for sharing that information. Lucky for me I didn't just come to this platform for the dating part, if that sort of thing has been taking place on here lately.

Not a lot by any means. I wrote this when I saw an instance and that was the first I saw after 3 months maybe.

1

Well said matey... Really well put - If i see anything like that i will be right on it ... we all get em don't we .. everyone gets burned .. then you learn to walk away or breathe fire !

1

This was the case with my last BF, got rid of his crazy ass over 4 yrs ago.. never to look back. He was classic because he such low self esteem himself. Being a narcissist to boot and also a gas lighter, he finally went in for therapy and found out he was manic depressive with a bi-polar personality and drank. Not a good combination at all. Needless to say, I have learned a lot from that relationship and also about myself. Being a strong minded, independent woman, he just didn't know how to deal with it all. Being with "broken" women and I was not that way. It's tough when you get sucked in to something like that. So I want to say thanks for sharing this Blindbird.

Thank you. I too had a short relationship with a narcissist and I'm ashamed to say he did a good job of breaking me down even in the few months we were together. I know what it did to me and I'd hate to see someone else go through it.

1

there used to be this "coach" who would "teach" negging to men who had difficulty making progress with women. I agree it's not cool. Wish I could remember the name of that show. Ooooh "the pickup artist"? One of those "how to get a woman to sleep with you in 30 days or less" type crap.

1

Good post

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