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He told me he's a psychopath.

On Christmas Day, my friend Bruce called. Funny and wise, Bruce is a counselor and atheist. He moved to Texas to be close to his kids. "How's your dating life?" he asked. I told him about meeting a new man who scared me.

"You look like a victim," the man said during lunch at a restaurant in January 2019.

"I don't feel like a victim!" I protested. "I walk fast with good posture, constantly scanning around me. Never look at my phone or in my purse while walking."

"Because you are thin, you look easy to grab," he said.

"That's a terrible thing to say to a small woman," I gasped, horrified. He chilled me to my core. Of course I refused a second date.

"He told you he's a psychopath," Bruce said. "It's good you didn't see him again."

That man's words haunt me. He took a chunk out of my already shaky feelings about being safe in the world as a small woman.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Dec 27
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40 comments (26 - 40)

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2

What a horrible thing for him to say. You seem to know your strengths, your vulnerabilties, and how to protect yourself. Please stay safe...

2

As a small woman you are more at risk - but you know that. Sry.

We all need to be occasionally reminded of our vulnerabilities by friends so that we don't let others exploit those vulnerabilities.

1of5 Level 8 Dec 27, 2019
2

I'll agree with the self defense classes, pepper spray or hand held taser as opposed to knife.
Maybe try better screening? 🤔
Again best of luck. 😉

@oldFloyd

Online dating is like a blind date. Before meeting, I:

  1. Insist on a phone conversation.

  2. Look up the man on WA Courts- Search Case Records.

  3. Arrange to meet at a safe public place like a cafe' for lunch. (daylight)

  4. Arrive early. Tell the waiter I'm meeting a new man. Arrange a signal with the waiter if things go south. Ask if someone can walk me to my car. Restaurant staff are happy to help.

2

Please do not allow one man's OPINION to affect you. Did he spend years as a mugger or street criminal? I very much doubt that size is the only criteria.

MizJ Level 8 Dec 27, 2019

@MizJ

Street criminals look for women who are easy to grab and pull away. I weigh 113 lbs. Predators look for weak and vulnerable prey.

"Some of these guys concentrate on people who are easy to overcome," says Volkan Topalli, a psychologist and criminologist at Georgia State University. "They'll target females, they'll target older people, but they're also looking for cues of weakness or fear."

[psychologytoday.com]

@LiterateHiker But you are fit which tips the scales in the other direction, at least a bit

@LiterateHiker I think that weakness and fear are the more powerful factors. Being aware of one's surroundings is meaningless unless one walks down the street like they own it. I once was walking from a parking garage to my urban apartment at 1 am when a guy jumped out of a doorway. The one night I wasn't carrying pepper spray! I didn't even break stride and walked right at him; this totally confused him and he slid back into the doorway. When I rounded the corner to the main road my whole body was shaking! My quick thinking and lack of outward fear kept me safe.

@MizJ

When I was 15, my sister's best friend was abducted in daylight. Sally, 16, was riding bicycles with a friend on a main road near our house.

Suddenly a van pulled over and two men jumped out. They grabbed Sally and threw her- with her bicycle- into the van and sped off. The other girl got away.

Sally's nude, raped and beaten dead body was found in a ditch two weeks later.

@LiterateHiker Shit. How terrible.

@LiterateHiker this sent shivers down my spine. What a quick end to an innocent child's life! 😭

1

Are there any Krav Maga classes in your area? Might want to give that a go.

1

Psychopath is a mild word for anyone to hint harm of an innocent person..... rapacious rapists misogynist boys are all belonging on a sex crime registry when they confess such intentions.... same as playing with guns.....I respect your decision to avoid learning how to use a pistol for self defense.....Maybe 2 movies can help all caring people here to understand sex criminals....: JAGGED EDGE and THE WOODMAN ..... one about justice and the latter about a boy who became a pedophile....JEFF BRIDGES and KEVIN BACON are courageous actors to perform those horrifying roles

The Woodman is a great film. Really a great view of the relentless urges they experience.

1

Hardly subtle. You are strong . It was a year ago. Dont blow any more chi over it.

@gigihein

What he said chilled me to my core. It haunts me.

Ever since I developed breasts at age 15, guys have grabbed me, kissed me against my will, propositioned me and catcalled endlessly. Two male supervisors tried to rape me (an insurance agency and the Tacoma Family YMCA) when they caught me alone in the office. They both pinned me to the wall by the throat, using their strength, height and weight. When they let go with one hand to loosen their belt, I managed to break free and run.

At age 19, my daughter was violently beaten and raped in her bed at college. The rapist followed her to her room and waited until she was asleep. He locked the door and attacked her. After 10 years of counseling, Claire still wakes up screaming and has panic attacks.

Claire and four other college girls he raped took him to court. She was retraumatized by facing her rapist while testifying in each trial. The rapist was a law student. His lawyer convinced the judge not to put him on the sexual predator registry. That would prevent him from becoming a lawyer. A year later, it became a national requirement.

It infuriates me.

@LiterateHiker I cannot resist my rage to urge more Lorena Bobbits to PERMANENTLY disarm rapists of their penis weapons....if I observe a rapist in action I would keep my 300 pounds of US NAVY Veteran weight on the rapist arms and chest slicing off his entitlement gonads and make him eat his testicles.... for too many centuries patriarchy has used religion to protect and forgive rapists.....courts minimize if not acquit rapist crimes and 2 rapists are sitting on the US Sup Ct Kavanaugh and Thomas
...until justice is the law of the land Feminist Atheism remains a muted taboo too few real men will declare.....my 2 daughters are safe and happily married to men of honor and they all teach boys the truth of gender justice

@LiterateHiker
"What he said chilled me to my core. It haunts me."

This sounds like being a victim.
How can you put credence in such a person's words?

@LiterateHiker I had such experiences as young as 13 or 14. fathers of kids I babysat, husbands of my.mothers friends, and it both scared and angered me. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that I wanted it, as that is how they acted.One day I was babysitting and while the 2 kids took a nap their dad came home. I was sitting on the couch and he sat next to me and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away but had these small scissors on my fingers because the needlepoint was one where every 3 or 4 stitches were a different color. One of the points on the scissors punctured his neck and the other scraped it. He yelled at me but I flew out the door. It was an accident on my part, as it all happened without thought, I just reacted. I was never fearful again. I trust my instincts more, as always felt uncomfortable there. because of how weird the wife and he were with the kids.I was 15.

I do lean to seeing experiences as part of who I am and more from a stance of staying away from those that have serious issues. The more palpable feelings you had would have me exit. I have to get to know people well talking and connecting before I meet them I am glad you have such visceral reactions to guide you.

@CallMeDave

Don't minimize my feelings.

Since age 15 when I developed breasts, I have been assaulted by men, grabbed, forcibly kissed against my will, sexually abused, propositioned, catcalled, had men grab my drink "to improve it," ad nauseum. Two supervisors tried to rape me at an insurance company and the Tacoma Family YMCA. One supervisor threatened to kill me if I told anyone. Thanks goodness I come from a large family of tattletales.

Yet I dress modestly, walk fast, and never go to bars. Don't wear much makeup. I don't feel safe.

At age 19, my daughter was severely beaten and raped in her bed at college. Claire was asleep when the rapist attacked her. After 10 years of counseling, Claire still wakes up screaming and has panic attacks.

Claire and I both have PTSD.

@CallMeDave

Your lack of empathy is appalling.

1

That's a rather strange conversation for a date. You sure seem to attract some strange dudes.

@MrDragon

I get many messages from men on Fitness Singles and Tinder. At age 66, being fit and slender is rare.

In America today, 90% of adult men are obese or overweight; and 60% of women.

@LiterateHiker
"In the United States, 36.5 percentTrusted Source of adults are obese. Another 32.5 percent of American adults are overweight. In all, more than two-thirds of adults in the United States are overweight or obese."
[healthline.com]

@LiterateHiker I'm a little confused, maybe I missed something, what does over weight men has to do with you attracting strange dudes? Please excuse my ignorance.

1

You are a giant mountain tamer to me.....wise powerful beautiful sensuous supportive encouraging mentor to many....remember the psychopath facial features and height build to report to police as a suspect in unsolved crimes ....save all his contact details to protect all other people from him

1

Stay safe have protective devices ready for defensive actions.....mace spray pepper spray a sharp key looking knife even a pistol in your purse you can shoot from inside unseen by the one about to "grab" you.....reminds me again about the psychopath in White House pussy GRABbing

@Larry68Feminist, @Burner

I will never buy a gun. I was asked to be the local coordinator for Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. Sadly, I said no, afraid of being shot and killed at a rally. Gun zealots are angry and armed.

Years ago, I bought pepper spray on a wrist strap. It hurt my wrist and caused a rash. The pepper spray canister dried up in my car.

@LiterateHiker stop dating. You asked for suggestions so im throwing stuff out

@Burner

With a high sex drive, my middle finger is twitching.

@LiterateHiker poor thing

@LiterateHiker shows how powerful strong and courageous you are as a lover ....so many people are scared out of their gifts to love

1

Yikes, glad you were vigilant. Worth filing a police report (even though you wisely eliminated him from consideration) to have one on file.

1

Opened his mouth before engaging his brain and probably has no idea of the effect on you,was all about him. sorry it happened ,just chalk it up as experience .....Next

0

"Most westerners wether they are Christians or non-Christians don't trust nature. Of all things nature is the thing least to be trusted! You must manage it, you must watch out for it, it comes out with weeds and insects and it will always go wrong if you don't watch out it! And above all human nature isn't to be trusted! Cause if you don't hold a club over your own head you might go out and rape your grandmother!"
-Alan Watts

I don't recall him being such a cynic. But I have found his wisdom gold. I used to work with clients discharged from state psychiatric hospitals and never had a problem. My review said that I easily relate to clients and people in general, to a fault.
People do things based on their thinking and there are some who have some psychotic thinking, or can. Now many clients I work with, or worse, those they are around are dangerously mentally I'll and my close calls made me realize I have a false sense of security, because zi do easily connect with all people pretty easily. I absolutely follow my gut and have bailed from places for no reason, but my flight response kicked in.
I try to keep those with high drama for my day job, not personal life.

@gigihein in this passage Alan is explaining how "most Westerners feel"

@CallMeDave I cannot imagine feeling prey all my life. I think of everything as a dance. I can be very emotional when hurt or scared, but my analytical side brings it to a halt, if an experience is kept in my present instead of past. And I have had experiences where some would call me a victim.

Better said by Viktor Frankl, "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.*

0

Give Mariska Hargitay his quotes and contact details....she does both investigate during TV dramas AND help victims in real life

0

My reading of the situation is he got a vision from your past in his imagination. People tend to interpretate things than rather looking for facts. This regarding another fellow human. If it was some news, I wouldn't be surprised if he did a fact check. Being about another human he preferred to make his own judgement based on what he was imagining. Attention, this is my interpretation, there are great chances that I'm wrong.

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