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Do you check off qualities in a potential partner like you would groceries on a grocery list?

When I first started dating, I thought I knew exactly what I wanted and needed in a romantic partner, but as I've grown older I've dropped the "check list" approach. It's not that I don't still have standards or that I don't still look for compatibility or shared interests/similarity, it's more that I've realized by not giving people a chance that don't meet all the "check marks", I stand to miss out on wonderful people that often have "check marks" in other categories I didn't even realize were important for compatibility. Some of my best relationships and closest friends have been forged with people I initially never thought I'd get along with.

Mea 7 Apr 21

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44 comments

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7

Yes, but just like once I'm at the grocery store, I'll come back with a bunch of things not on my list, and often forget several things I needed to buy. ๐Ÿ™‚

This ? lol

6

I met my wife over 20 years ago in a role-playing text based MUD (called Dragonrealms.) We've been happily married all this time (6 sons later) DESPITE our massive differences (she's christian, I'm not. She's Republican, I'm Democrat or Independent (more left leaning). She's sloppy, I'm OCD clean, but somehow we make it work. I think trying to get that "perfect" mate is how you end up alone. Accepting the other person for who they are and making small changes (if you can) through the years is more than enough imho. If the other person respects you and loves you, they'll make changes in those areas that most bother you.

6

If you are a Trump supporter, hit the back button NOW.

I'm seeking an athletic, intelligent man with a great sense of humor who treats me with respect and kindness. Conversation and witty banter delight me. Although I'm a good cook, I want a man who also cooks. Everyone loves to hear those magic words: "Dinner is served."

Shared recreational activities are a bonding experience for couples. That's why I want a man who also loves hiking.

5

I have two lists. One is red flags, the other is what I want. Obviously Iโ€™m not gonna give up my red flags list on a dating site. My what I want list is getting smaller and smaller all the time. The one constant that remains is a manโ€™s ability to finish this poem. โ€œEven a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night.โ€ Itโ€™s that simple. Itโ€™s really not about religion. So donโ€™t get scared. Donโ€™t Google it! lol Generally I know if he knows the poem heโ€™s probably my kind a guy. Itโ€™s a start anyway.

is gonna die like everything else, itโ€™s his only right
Lol

Sorry, but I can't walk away from a movie trivia question. I'm pretty sure that is has to do with Wolfbane blooming and The Wolfman. The old gypsy lady recited it to Larry Talbot. I promise I didn't google it, otherwise I'd know the whole thing. Might've been something about the moon also. Did I win? Or was it from "Mamma Mia"?

4

There is only one thing one my checklist. Does this person bring me a feeling of happiness?

4

I just go with if I find them interesting and attractive. There are red flags (Trump supporters) that would definitely stop me from dating someone , but I don't really have a checklist.

4

Looks like I am in the minority here. Iโ€™ve recently added a checklist to keep me from walking in blind. Iโ€™m a far too accepting person. I can love just about anyone. Itโ€™s been a problem. My list includes red flags and personality requirements that were an issue in past relationships. They arenโ€™t required to hit all the wants, but I do look at the percentage they fill and use the list as a guide when I ask questions to get to know them.

4

I have a reject list,
so the same, but in reverse

same

3

For anyone I'm going to let close... I only care who you voted for in 2016 primary & general. And yes I do ask. (I have cancer so if you didn't support me then, you don't need me in your life ever. I will admit, sad but true.)

@MogwaiPR hurt a bit today. Busy testing season at the end of the school year. Lots of time on my leg. BUT... I'm going to live (with cancer as a chronic illness) so this summer will be all about learning how to do that. ๐Ÿ˜‰

3

I think conceding ideals and expectations is a part of being in a relationship. No ones a perfect match let alone the odds of someone being everything youโ€™ve ever wanted only creates a situation for them to disappoint you . Instead embracing the faults , like they were your own. Understand that we are human , and we will rarely be a perfect checklist ourselves.

3

Yup. Still do. And some check marks are more heavily weighted.

3

Agreed. It's not about "ticking" all the boxes. Sometimes, it's about checking as many as possibe, other times it's something more intanglible. I personally believe after trying to date for 5 years (unsuccessfully), it's more about knowing what you DON'T want more than what you DO want. A somewhat subtle yet important distinction.

3

Checklist no. But I have learned that there is requirements that vary depending on the person.

Right! I used to think I had a type. But, now I don't feel like I have to have a type, I just know when someone is NOT my type. I do have a couple of deal breakers though.

3

There are only a couple of requirements for me. An open, caring, loving, compassionate heart. On the negative side - Nobody with imaginary friends, no tRump morons, no bogotry.

3

Checklist? No, not really... Red flags? Absolutely... 3-5 red flags and I'm out the door... What's an example of a red flag, you might ask...? Does she do drugs (other than marijuana)? Does she lie? Does she cause drama? These are just a few of the dozen or so things that I classify as a red flag...

@MogwaiPR I would, yes... However, if she abuses them, that's a red flag...

3

I am about chemistry. If it isn't there all that other shit doesn't matter. l find different things charming and captivating in each woman l am attracted to, and it is seldom the same thing in each person. Intelligence and humor are a must. I am not talking genius, just no ignorant rednecks. I have spent too much of my life around those folks and l spend as little time around them as possible.

3

Why not scrap the check marks altogether and go with the flow

I already have. ๐Ÿ™‚

Even better idea

3

I have never had a "check list" personality has always been my "Priority"

Coldo Level 8 Apr 21, 2018
2

My checklist is based on learning about what I want and need in a partner as well a what I simply can't tolerate in an intimate relationship. I know that the list isn't everything, but it is so much better for me than just following my feelings (because attention feels great and can overrun reason way to fast at times). Ruling out meeting people who want very different things keeps me from being disappointed and disappointing someone else in terms of values and major life goals (kids, religion, politics, money, sex, etc.)

Helga Level 4 Apr 22, 2018
2

No, I don't do grocery list. I don't mail order either.

2

Nope. Sometimes think I should have some minimums, such as being employed, but I tend to roll with things. Sometimes it goes poorly, other times very well.

2

Looking only at the positives is dangerous. Take buying a car, wow it looks great, shiny, fast, nice posi-traction rear end, bright headlights, clean interior. Ignore All those boring traits like a well maintained engine, low miles, and good gas mileage and you might end up with a lemon.

2

Religion is the only no-go for me.
Same for friends. I can not respect someone into wilful ignorance.

2

Nah. I just check off the "deal breakers".
Astrology, Anti Vaccers, Single-hair phobes, Have to talk every second, Andrew Lloyd Weber fans ...
After that, I just sit back and learn, and hope THEY don't have a "deal breaker" list of their own. ๐Ÿ™‚

2

Only for certain things.

Ex: Must like/tolerate cats as Iโ€™m not getting rid of them.

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