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LINK Should Women Still Change Their Name When They Marry?

I have always felt that Smith was my dad's name, I've been married twice and those we're the ex's names they did not reflect on who I was. My name is Paula, the last name doesn't matter that much to me. One of my daughters got married and changed her name, and realized that was not who she was. When she divorced she changed back, and when she remarried she kept the maiden name. One of my girls has never married, and the youngest was more than happy to take her husband's name.

Historical roots, new expectations, and a major shift.

The modern expectation that women adopt their husband’s surname at marriage began in the 9th-century doctrine of coverture in English common law (Reid 2018). Under this doctrine, women lacked an independent legal identity apart from their spouses (Reid 2018). At birth, women received their father’s surname; when they were “given away” at marriage, they automatically took their husband’s surname (Reid 2018; Darrisaw 2018). The phrase “giving away the bride” was intended literally—under the doctrine of coverture, women were property, transferred from husband to father, and largely prohibited from owning their own property (Darrisaw 2018).

The expectation that women adopt their husband’s surname at marriage is fundamentally rooted in patriarchal marital traditions. Historically, it represents the transfer of women’s subservience from father to husband, the subjugation of women’s identities to those of men. This tradition is also profoundly heterosexist, leaving same-sex couples with no clear norms regarding surname choice (Clarke et al 2008). Yet it has proven remarkably durable, even in the face of broad social and legal changes to marriage—the rise of relatively egalitarian and dual-earner marriages, and the acceptance and legalization of same-sex marriage.

Surname Choice at Marriage

Although the norm that women take their husband’s last name at marriage may be weakening, it remains nearly ubiquitous. In a sample of married couples in the U.S. in 1980, 98.6 percent of women adopted their husband’s surname (Johnson and Scheuble 1995). Among the married children of these same couples, 95.3 percent of women adopted their husband’s surname—a decrease of 3.3 percent between generations (Johnson and Scheuble 1995). This upward trend in nontraditional surnames has persisted over time, but change has remained relatively slow. A Google poll found that about 20 percent of women married in recent years have maintained their own names (Miller & Willis 2015).

Studies of surname choice among brides in the 1980s and 1990s indicated that highly educated, career-oriented women with nontraditional gender ideology were most likely to select a nontraditional surname (generally by retaining their own name unchanged or hyphenating their own and their husband’s names; Johnson and Scheuble 1995). This pattern has persisted, with more recent studies still reporting that highly educated, career-committed, and feminist women are more likely to make nontraditional surname choices (Hoffnung 2006). Yet, despite women’s career commitment overtaking men’s career commitment (Patten and Parker 2012), the vast majority of brides still adopt their husband’s name upon marriage.

So why do women so often change their names? And why is the decision almost always one about the woman’s name? If surname change at marriage were simply about having a single “family name,” either spouse could take the other spouse’s name, or couples could jointly adopt a new name.

The Gender of “Selfish” Individualism

Societal expectations that nuclear families share one last name, coupled with the invisibility of the option that the husband change his name, place many women in a moral dilemma in which they feel they must choose between self and family (Nugent 2010). Women are expected to be communal, sacrificing their individual interests to the well-being of the collective family—and retaining their birth surname is seen as individualistic, selfish, and antagonistic to family unity. The force of tradition in shaping cognition is another powerful contributor—for many couples, the possibility of the husband changing his name is an invisible option, placing the burden of surname change entirely upon women.

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In addition, women face censure for nontraditional name choices. Women who retain their birth surname are seen as selfish and uncommitted to their marriage and family (Nugent 2010; Shafer 2017). Observers may hold women with nontraditional surnames to higher standards of “performance” as wives (Shafer 2017). Needless to say, this censure is not applied to men who retain their birth name—as long as the possibility of men changing their name remains largely unconsidered and invisible, men’s retention of their name appears natural and inevitable.

Gender-Neutral Rationales?

In practice, many ostensibly gender-neutral rationales for naming choices—such as not burdening children with an unwieldy hyphenated last name or having the unity of one surname for all nuclear family members—privilege the father’s name (Nugent 2010). For example, having a single, non-hyphenated family name would be accomplished if either spouse took the other’s name, but it is exceedingly rare for men to adopt their wife’s name, with only about 3 percent of men choosing nontraditional surnames upon marriage (Shafer & Christensen 2018).

Among those few couples who defy the norm, options include alternating children’s surnames, thus representing both parents’ names equally; combining the parents’ names into an entirely new name; and developing rationales for privileging the mother’s name, such as the labor of pregnancy and birth. (See my earlier blog post on children’s surnames; McClintock 2017.)

Names Matter

Many couples follow patriarchal marital traditions simply because they are traditional: Rituals such as giving away the bride may be given new meaning (e.g., honoring the bride’s relationship with her father) or may be followed by default. Likewise, many couples take women’s surname change for granted, following tradition without discussion or consideration. But that does not lessen the sexism inherent in the tradition.

Women’s surname change remains a conspicuous reminder that women’s identities are changed by marriage, whereas men’s identities remain largely the same. When a newly married couple is announced at a wedding reception as “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith,” the woman’s name and individuality are subsumed. She has gone from “Miss” to “Mrs.,” and her husband’s name has replaced her own name. Certainly, many women make this choice happily, but for others, the choice is agonizing. More to the point, as long as women are subjected to unequal societal pressure to change their surname, the practical and professional costs to name change are disproportionately born by women, as are the psychological costs of losing an individual identity

HippieChick58 9 Nov 25
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12 comments

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1

Changed back to maiden name with divorce. I did NOT want the surname of an abuser who tried to kill me. I'll never change again no matter what happens. Besides, I like the TLC initials. 😀

3

The only time it makes a difference is on legal documents,when I was still doing tax returns, one of the biggest causes of rejects was that the wife was using her husband's name, it was on her driver license and other documents, but had never been changed with social security. As far as I'm concerned if I ever marry again, lady's choice, whatever she wants.

9

I had no f choice .
When I came here on 1995 , fiancé visa and husband was a marine officer . All my papers ( naturalization / citizenship /passport ) had to change w his last name after marriage .
The usa gives u 90 days to decide if u want to get married . I lived w him in Europe for a short period , visiting his country and see his reality was the next step , but u know , 90 days , tick tock , tick tock .
Married him the 89th . I wish now someone to had hit me 89 x on my head w a shoe ? Whatever . Cant reverse life .
To change my last name now will involve an ocean of paperwork w citizen ship , passport , licences to practice , and not doing that shit !
I am lazy . I couldn’t care less what my last name is at any aspect . At work , people through the years , new people , always ask me how “ u like to be called “? I say , doesn’t matter . U can call me “ hey u “ for all I care . Do your job , follow my orders , work w me , and u can call me velociraptor for all I care ?
Kids factor is important . If I had kids or planning to reproduce when married , I will had probably wanted kids to have same last name , same for all members of family . Couldn’t care less which one , fathers or mine . Doesn’t matter .
My family name was great , but doesn’t represent a testimony . I can remember my dead father every day , regardless my last name .
All of these , so useless 🙁 how a woman set boundaries of how to be treated in a marriage , so and a man , last names is the last of the concerns I think 🙌🦇

6

I am fine with whatever folks wish to do. If l were to marry again it would be the woman's choice and l would be fine with whatever that decision would be.

3

I won't change my name IF I get married again..

3

What other people do with their name changes is their business. I couldn't care less. When my late wife and I got married, we did what most Unitarian couples do, she kept her last name, which was from her previous marriage, because she already had a career and professional licenses and degrees in that name. I never even thought of her taking my last name, as neither of us had kids, for one reason. What a lot of other couples who are progressive or liberal seem to have done, is to use hyphenated last names, but that seem to have gone out of fashion in the last couple decades. I have heard that the one thing legal authorities frown upon is the man taking the woman's last name, as that is something that lots of male criminals and felons have done in order to cover up their criminal record from employers, creditors, and others who might hold it against them.

3

Hell no! Unless they hate the name they were born with.

6

Personal choice never thought it was necessary

bobwjr Level 10 Nov 26, 2021
9

When American women started retaining their birth name, many people made fun of it and many people hated it. Interestingly over half of Europe has always had the female retain her birth name. In fact in some countries it's a requirement and even adding the husband's name is optional.

My friends in Norway both kept their surname after marriage but they chose the surname of their children. They decided the female surname would be used because it belongs to a very politically successful family.

I wish I had kept my surname but I never even heard of that when I got married. My father's family all seem to have females so that particular line is going to disappear without some of us retaining our birth name. There were some younger cousins that might have kept it but I haven't had the opportunity to know my dad's people very well.

In any instance from a feminist point of view, keeping your birth surname means you're keeping a man's name anyway. Judy Chicago solved that by just taking on a new surname that she felt identified only her. Perhaps I could change my name to Lora J. Allthatjazz.

I really like that name! 🧡🧡🧡

Perhaps the greatest independence will only be achieved for all of us when we can pick the name for ourselves which best represents us.

7

I kept my birth name when I got married.

Taking a husband's last name dates back to when wives were their husband's property.

4

I took my husband's name and, when he died, I would have reverted to my birth/maiden name but I wanted my daughter and I to have the same name, and changing hers seemed cruel to my husband's family. Since then, I have grieved the loss of "my" family name, as it's the name I think of myself as.

I think it would not be as big a deal if not for the naming conventions of the children. If we could figure out a way to streamline it, I don't think it would matter as much as it did when I was young.

On the other hand, a lot of my peer group are in the arts or are professionals where that becomes the basis of which name the couple takes. I guess that's a practical way to do it. Or perhaps a family surname is just not as important as we're taught it is? I do, however, hate "Ms."

I highly prefer MS, it is not indicative of marital status. I work as a customer service rep, taking calls all day. Usually the account pops up when the member calls in. I address women as ma'am or MS last name. For men it is SIR and Mr. last name. When I can't guess the gender then I fudge. However, my point is, I don't want to be addressed by my marital status. MR is not indicative of marital status, why should anyone be addressed by marital status.

Interesting. I never married or had kids and have lost count of the times I have been asked why, almost as if those choices are viewed as flaws. For that reason I prefer Ms., perhaps because there are no judgments involved.

@HippieChick58 and @MizJ I agree that there should be a non-marital status related salutation, and I think it should apply to all women. I just never cared for the sound of "Ms" specifically. It always seemed like someone sloppily speaking "Mrs," particularly if they have a southern accent. Something akin to Butterfly McQueen calling for Mizz Scarlett.

@MizJ People can be so stupid. I can't imagine the arrogance needed to ask someone to explain their personal circumstances when it's none of their business at all.

6

I took my husband's name socially, but not legally, when I got married. It made it easier to go back to my name after I got divorced 30 years later. There's something unusual going on in the younger generation of my family: when both my grand nieces got married, their husbands took their wife's name.

You do know my story. When we decided to wed my late partner told me she wanted to go back to her maiden name (she changed it when getting her citizenship as having the same name as her husband made things easier- her name was almost like mine). I told her what makes you think I will give my name to you as I don’t just give my name to anybody. She said thank you (her maiden name was Baharloo). Little did I know. She was an extreme extrovert and I an introvert. To everyone who knew her I was Mr Baharloo. Even the phone book has me listed as such.

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