I've devised an afterlife test to determine conclusively if there is or isn't an afterlife.
Place an orange on the kitchen table just before bedtime then say "Oh spirits, I beseech thee. I will be hungry in the morning. Please peel this orange that I may eat it upon awakening. For this, I offer thee a blood sacrifice." then slit your throat. If you find yourself in Heaven or Hell after that, there's an afterlife, if not, the medical examiner can eat the orange before doing your autopsy -- a nice little treat.
**Disclaimer: **Don't actually try this. There is no afterlife.
Only a “blood orange” would appear appropriate!