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LINK Expert explains why no two siblings are raised the same, and it resonated with so many people

By Vani K
October 17, 2022

No two siblings raised together are completely alike despite having similar experiences growing up. It is a puzzle that has perplexed many people over the years but one expert claims to have the answer. The Canadian talk show host Dahlia Kurtz talked about this in a viral TikTok video with Dr. Gabor Mate. She wrote in the caption of the video, "How could your sibling be raised the same but turn out so differently? Maybe even a narcissist? Dr. Gabor Mate has a fascinating answer. You’ll never see your sibling the same."

The TikTok video is a clip from her talk show "Dahlia Live and Help Live" whose latest video features Dr. Mate. The video starts with Dahlia saying, "Let's say people who are raised by the same parents in the same way, one becomes a narcissist and one doesn't." Dr. Mate replies, "Cause no 2 kids are raised in the same family, no 2 children have the same parent."

He asks Dahlia if she has siblings she replies, "yes, older and younger." Dr. Mate says, "You weren't raised in the same family. You were never the oldest child, you've never had the experience of being the oldest child." He adds that Dahlia had the experience of being a middle child, "which is often very difficult by the way." He explains that is because "you neither have the respect and authority of the oldest and nor the cuteness and loveability of the youngest."

He further tells Dahlia that when her parents had her and her younger sibling they might have been in a different phase of their relationship and life. He also shares his own experience of having a younger sibling until whose birth he was the only child. He explains, "All of a sudden I have to share my attention with this young interloper," and said that Dahlia's elder sibling did the same.

He further emphasizes the fact that no two children have the same temperament and evoke different parts of the parents. Hence, even if the parents love all their children equally they will respond to each in different ways. Due to these reasons, even though siblings grow up in the same environment they grow up to be completely different individuals. The video went viral on TikTok garnering almost 3 million views. Many TikTok users shared their own experiences in the comments. One person commented, "This man is making too much sense. My grandparents had 5 kids and none of them are similar in any way." Another said, "Yup! My brother was easier, therefore the favorite. We are very different, he’s much kinder."

"Yeah I’m the oldest and my younger siblings are over ten years younger. I was the experimental child and then forgotten when they were born," shared another. Dr. Mate is a speaker and a best-selling author and according to his official website he is "sought after for his expertise on a range of topics including addiction, stress and childhood development."

HippieChick58 9 Oct 17

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Yep different while growing up, and even more different in mature years. Some of us siblings kept growing and learning and some just got stuck in the old ways, never growing out of them, especially as both our parents are gone.

You would think we'd all have the same values, but nope! We may have had the same experiences, but each of us remember them differently. Honesty, integrity, honor, respect, compassion, etc., didn't make it to all of us, at least not in the same measure.


While family dynamics certainly have major influence in children, there is another major factor. Each child has it’s own mix of genetic material from each parent, and their family’s genetic makeup. Children from the same family can be extremely different from each other from the moment they take their first breath. Those differences will have effects on their entire life. Nature vs nature is a constant molder of what we become.

You meant to say nature/NURture. Easy spelling mistake and I'm sure everyone read it how you meant it. Weird how the brain works - we write something and read it over and over but fail to see it, because we know what was meant. That's one reason I don't write much online anymore because I spend so much time proof-reading it, otherwise I make tons of mistakes. Makes it easy to catch other peoples' though. But yeah, nature/nurture is a constant duality working toward the same things all our lives; true for all animals. How siblings or even twins turn out is probably the most classic psychology area of study in the realm of nature/nurture.

@AlbertSchepis my guess is that was an autocorrect. It’s nice feature but requires due diligence. And can have some devastating effects, though this one was minor!


Ya'll have heard my rants about being an identical twin and the fact we are 180 out politically and religiously. I sussed a lot of my issues out simply by moving 3,000 miles away when I was 20. We do have a younger sister who follows Wicca but she and I both fail to understand my twin's support for trump and the gop.
Family dynamics can be a real challenge. 😈


Interesting. I never had thought that any could be raised the same. Too many changes in between the different periods and stages of the siblings being influenced. Cool read.


I imagine gender plays a role as well.

MizJ Level 8 Oct 17, 2022

I am sure it does, I know my parents treated me and my sisters differently than they treated the boys. The boys were older, so that was one difference, but they were allowed to do much more than we were, however, it was the 60s as well.

Not gender related but I'll never forget the psych experiment where students role-played the prison scenerio. It actually illicited criminal idealogy and behavior in those who played inmates. It led to the conclusion that when you treat someone a certain way, they can actually turn into that which you believe them to be.

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