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10 17

Saying less will get you more.

Time Magazine has a cover article this week called, "Zip it! The Power of Saying Less."

It's fascinating. I learned a lot. Triggered self-reflection.

The article is by Dan Lyons, a talkaholic who wrote the book, "STFU: The Power of Keeping Your Mouth Shut in an Endlessly Noisy World." Overtalking cost him relationships, jobs and nearly his marriage.

"It's biology," scientist Michael Beatty said. In 2010, Beatty and his colleagues discovered it is linked to brain wave imbalance.

It's about the balance between the neuron activity in the left and right lobes in the anterior region of the prefrontal cortex. Ideally, the left and right should have about the same amount of nueronal activity when a person is at rest.

If your left side is more active than the right, you are the likely to be shy. If the right side is more active, you're more likely to be talkative. A talkaholic's right lobe will fire a ton, while the left side barely flickers.

My ex-husband has verbal diarrhea. Terry thinks out loud. He talks in circles, saying the same thing in different ways. "What I hear you saying is this," I say, summarizing his point in one or two sentences. "EXACTLY!" Terry replies and he's off again.

"Do I want to spend my lifetime listening to him?" I thought. The answer is no.

Since Terry got the Lifetime Achievement Award from the City of Wenatchee, he talks endlessly about himself. He is an artist, retired art teacher and tennis coach.

When I want to get a word in, I raise my hand. Terry stops talking and calls on me. Ha!

Overtalking is a compulsion. Hard to stop.

I always loved conversation and laughter. I'm an active listener.

Volunteering as a college mentor since 2006 taught me to zip it. The majority of girls I mentor are quiet introverts and great students. I have to downshift my enthusiasm and draw them out.

With trepidation, I brought Terry the article yesterday. Gave him a quick summary. It was funny. Terry exploded with stories! He completely missed the point.

Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 Jan 30
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10 comments

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1

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. 🤣 I found this very interesting, I have been a little shy my whole life.

2

I have 2 people in my life that I can hardly start talking....they take over almost immediately and start rambling on, sometimes on topic, not always. Doesn't matter: it's MY perspective that they shut out totally. They shut me down and I try to get them to leave or I have to get loud to be heard. That sucks and....it really doesn't change their trajectory. There's still little to no consideration to me talking or to what I am saying.

With other people I will talk too much, i.e., carry the conversation. But I am also a good listener, and seek others' words.
I can be by myself for hours on end and just read, no talking required.

twill Level 7 Feb 1, 2023

If possible minimize contact with them.

1

I mumble and undertalk.

I’m much more articulate when I’m writing…or swearing!lol

2

It doesn't get better, so it's best to just end the relationship.
I just can't deal with people talking in circles perpetually.
I hate small talk anyway.
I had a friend for twenty years.
I was gone for five years.
We got together and I listened to him for 3 days.
I got up cussed him out and left then blocked him on my phone.
I couldn't get a word in edgewise, and at least 35 minutes of his talk was telling me about his 15 minute trip to the store. Yet when I left he still din't know where I had been or what I had been doing for five years, and it didn't matter because only his life matters. His mother was the same way, and he had also become a hoarder like her.
You couldn't pay me enough to deal with that.
Whatever he had been to me before is so gone it's like it never was, I no longer knew this person.

2

From time to time a former friend would call me and whenever she did all I ever heard was a long diatribe about her country and the corruption of politicians, I could not get a word in edgeways. Indeed, if I attempted to say something she would just continue talking over the top of me. I daresay that she would have considered silence a form of punishment. Probably, even when alone her mind races nonstop with incessant chatter. Once I pointed out to her that she does not listen and she accused me of not listening to her, I gave up.

Silence is not merely that absence of conversation as in when some national figure dies and we observe two minutes silence that is not silence at all. We experience real silence when our mind slows down and we quietly observe our thoughts.

@ASTRALMAX

Love how you wrote: "We experience real silence when our mind slows down and and we quietly observe our thoughts."

I call it my "monkey mind."

Meditation and slow breathing lowers my blood pressure, body temperature and heart rate. It's calming and healthy.

I lie down and cover myself with a blanket. Have been meditating since age 18.

5

Some people have said I talk too much, some have said I don't talk enough. So, I guess it depends on whether I feel comfortable (in control) and if someone wants to hear what I have to say.

I usually only speak up when I actually have something of value to say, or a humorous anecdote. I try to keep quiet about things I don't know too much about. I don't talk just to talk. Silence is nice. Maybe that's why I enjoy going places where talking isn't expected, such as music venues.

I live in a resort community, where I'm faced with tourists with a lot of questions. I'll hear them wondering something and I know the answer, so I have to think hard about whether I want to speak up with the correct information or just let them keep wondering.

I'm helpful by nature, so I more often than not, I speak up. That can sometimes get me locked into a long conversation where they are quizzing me about everything, best restaurants, hikes, beaches, etc... So, I sometimes just play dumb and pretend I don't hear them wondering these things when I could so easily help them, to avoid a long conversation. That's when I just act like a tourist myself. 😉

As far as saying things over and over again, I likely repeat myself with my kids, because I can't always remember who I told what to, haha. My daughter is nice in her frustration and will say something like, "Yes, you told us that." That's when I smile and zip it!

2
Is it communicable?
1

Was the “Lifetime Achievement Award" from the City of Wenatchee for verbal communication skills?

Staying silent can be really useful when doing assessment work with people.

@Zealandia

I doubt it. I didn't go to the award ceremony.

4

STFU. (jk, lol)

3

Interesting, I seem to have a split personality - 😏. I can be an over talker but I usually don't say the samething over and over in different ways. Self reflection is a thing to practice on a regular basis - IMHO.

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