Rocky Malloy of the National School Chaplain Association said, "If you blaspheme God, you do not qualify to be a religion." He's wrong.

One of the leaders of a Christian Nationalist group that wants to stick religious chaplains in public schools proudly says that Satanists and other non-theistic groups are not allowed to participate in these programs because groups that oppose his god “don’t qualify” as real religions.

If you’re not aware, getting chaplains in schools has been the latest (and arguably most effective) method for Christians to get their religion in front of impressionable children. At least 14 states—including Texas, Florida, and Kansas—have proposed or passed legislation to give public schools permission to hire chaplains on their staffs. Supporters say it’s a way to addressing staffing shortages and improve mental health. Opponents argue that students deserve qualified experts, not randos with questionable credentials who clearly want to proselytize.

Some Republicans have openly said this is all about tearing down the wall between church and state, like the Texas senator who said his goal in sponsoring such a bill was “representing God’s presence within our public schools.”

Recently, in Oklahoma, a chaplain bill passed through committee that wouldn’t require background checks, doesn’t require any particular qualifications, and allows chaplains to proselytize to students.

While the language of these bills vary from state to state, some of them would give schools the ability to bring in local pastors who have no formal certification to work with children while dismissing trained professionals. (A Houston Chronicle report noted in 2022 that Texas public schools serving 98% of students “did not meet the Texas Education Agency’s recommendation of one counselor per 250 students.” This was the case even though Texas had a budget surplus of roughly $32.7 billion.)

In Texas, where this kind of bill has become law, more than 100 chaplains signed a letter urging state school boards not to take lawmakers up on this. After all, what’s stopping the most fundamentalist Christian churches from declaring all of their male members honorary “chaplains” for the sole purpose of placing them in schools? Why would a Muslim or atheist student be better off meeting with a Christian chaplain and not a trained social worker? What would these chaplains say to LGBTQ students who are struggling with the sexual orientation or gender identity?

Even if the chaplains were prohibited from evangelizing in the public schools, their very presence sends the message that Christianity alone can solve problems. The entire assumption that chaplains are beneficial rests on the idea that mental health problems are the result of a lack of proper spirituality.

Despite the pushback, one of the reasons these chaplain bills have gained traction is because of lobbying efforts by the National School Chaplain Association, an explicitly Christian ministry. The leader of that organization is Rocky Malloy, a self-described former international drug trafficker, and yesterday, he appeared on “The WallBuilders Show” (part of pseudo-historian David Barton’s ministry) to talk about why chaplains need to be in public schools.

Co-host Rick Green asked Malloy if the whole thing could backfire if Satanic chaplains, to name one example, used these laws to get themselves into schools.

Malloy told him there was nothing to worry about.

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GREEN: … Let's talk about those states now where it's happening. Some people get concerned that, okay, if you open the door to this, do you have to let… a Satanist church or whatever they call themselves come in and take that job on the campus? What's the parameters for what a chaplain is or isn't?

MALLOY: Well, you know what? I think, Rick, that's a very legitimate question, but it comes with a certain amount of, really, lack of information. There's no such thing as a Satanic chaplain. I know they threaten that, but there are none. And there's not one Satanic chaplain hired by the federal government. Zero. They don't qualify.

GREEN: It's a red herring, really… People raise this, but it's a non-existent challenge.

MALLOY: It's nonexistent! It's a typical demonic threat. They have no resources. They have no chaplains—no chaplains recognized—because they don't qualify… A thing called black-letter laws, U.S. Constitution. If you blaspheme God, you do not qualify to be a religion. So no Satanist can get a job saying “equal access” because they're not in that group.

GREEN: Oh, that's good. That’s good. I love that. Man, you know this stuff!

Reader, he does not know his stuff.

Lucien Greaves, the spokesperson for The Satanic Temple, was more blunt when I asked him for a response:

I find it too incredible to take seriously the notion that Rocky Malloy, despite dedicating his career to peddling half-assed chaplain certificates through infomercial-style coursework, nonetheless knows so little about chaplaincy and First Amendment religious protections.

He’s not alone. In fact, in Alabama, where a chaplain bill (HB 316) is being considered in committee today, attorney Ryan Jayne of the Freedom From Religion Foundation submitted testimony saying that Malloy’s public comments undercut “any suggestion that chaplains are intended to do anything other than promoting religion generally, and Christianity specifically.”

Here’s how wrong Malloy is:

While blasphemy was forbidden in the U.S. well into the twentieth century, those laws eventually fell by the wayside under the umbrella of free speech. Even if the question of whether atheism is a religion is a philosophical one, the U.S. effectively treats it as one when it comes to First Amendment protections. In 2017, when the U.S. military expanded its list of “faith groups,” the recognized labels now included Humanist, Atheist, Agnostic, No Religion, No Preference, Pagan, etc. While Satanism isn’t explicitly on that list, there are plenty of categories under which Satanists could insert themselves. Also, the IRS recognizes The Satanic Temple as a church.

What about the notion that there are no Satanic chaplains hired by the federal government? That’s true, and in fact, there are no secular chaplains hired by the military in any capacity, but that’s been the subject of controversy largely because there are impeccably qualified candidates who have been rejected as chaplains for reasons that make absolutely no sense. Past prejudice is not—and should never be—a basis for future prejudice.

Regardless of label, though, many of these chaplains-in-school laws give virtually free rein to groups to certify their own chaplains. Which means public schools may have to consider giving non-theistic chaplains access to kids if they want to play this game.

In Iowa, before its chaplain bill died, a Satanic Temple minister, said the state has "several ordained ministers of Satan and we would be happy to engage children.”

In Utah, where a similar bill was also defeated, a Satanic Temple leader told lawmakers she was “ready to embrace this new potential role within Utah’s communities.”

In Florida, where a chaplain bill is still under consideration, the leader of a local atheist group said, “We will definitely be pursuing opportunities to be involved in this program if this bill passes.”

The bottom line is that if a state wants to allow chaplains in schools, they will not be able to discriminate against non-Christian or non-religious groups, all of which would be able to certify chaplains however they deem fit.

They do have resources.

They do have chaplains.

They do qualify.

And, yes, they may just “blaspheme” God in the process because why the hell not. None of that can legally prevent them from taking part in a program intended to shove Jesus into public schools. Patrick Elliott, an attorney with the FFRF, echoed that sentiment in an email, telling me, “It is obviously unconstitutional for the government to pick particular religions for disfavored treatment. Malloy doesn't know what he is talking about and any state officials that listen to him will be violating their oath of office.”

Much like conservative Christians pushed for anti-abortion extremism and now have no clue how to deal with the fallout, Rocky Malloy and his colleagues have fucked around when it comes to getting chaplains in schools, and now they’re about to enter the “find out” phase.

Lucien Greaves is ready for that phase, too. He theorized that Malloy’s real concern is that the laws he’s endorsing are so vaguely written—allowing Satanic chaplains through the school doors— “that it will dissuade some states from adopting chaplain bills, limiting the market for his chaplain licensing mill.”