Agnostic.com

6 7

LINK Regrets? I've had a few..too few to mention...

Really interesting story of a Palitive Care Nurse that collated and distilled the essence of dying people's regrets.

Do any or all of these regrets strike a cord with you?

Food for free thought anyway...

Hitchens 8 May 24
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

6 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

I am not surprised that this would make someone's "top five" list -- someone in a real position to know anyway.

The courage to live an authentic life is always a work in progress. Thanks largely to fundamentalism I pissed away a good deal of opportunity to do that, and then there's the little detail that some people find my authentic self to be problematic. I think I've become more authentic in recent years but that means I'm also a bit less sniveling and a bit more irascible. So ... that's a problem.

Wishing you didn't work so hard is easy after the fact but the reality is that most employers demand "hard" work and compare you to those more willing to indulge it, and there are pressures to pay bills and provide for secure retirement and so on. And then there's the problem of competing work ... I can't tell you how many days I feel pressure from work, spouse, [grand]children, the exercise I "should" be doing, and more, at the same time. Pick your poison, but I think this is just something people fall into when they are unable or don't have to work, but wouldn't have lived to be in that position if they hadn't "worked so much". So apart from true workaholics, this doesn't seem like the world's greatest advice. Closest you can come is to be lucky enough to have lots of flex time and that rare good boss or client.

As for the courage to express one's feelings ... for men and women, for different reasons, not so sure courage is the problem so much as acceptance of your feelings by others. There's a reason people are afraid to be expressive, after all.

Staying in touch with friends ... that's a two-way street. I've never not stayed in touch with friends; but they have drifted away from me.

Happiness as a choice ... to a greater degree than most people think, yes. I've worked hard on that; I've had to, because my personality is naturally un-bubbly. It has its limits, but being picky about your self-talk and what you dwell on, definitely is a hugely important thing. If I had to pick a favorite amongst the 5, it'd be this one. That said ... if your life has enough suckage in it, you're not going to be happy, so it's still important to have compassion and empathy and to support each other. Right now my next door neighbor's wife of 40 years is dying of pancreatic cancer. There's limits to how much of a bright side he can look on there. That's why I need to be present for him, and not tell him to suck it up and "choose" to be happy about this.

Thank you for that. So the pursuit and maintenance of happiness is the big one for you. I agree by the way..friends do drift away for so many reasons some valid..some not so. It is a pity that we can't always keep our friends as much as we would like.

Yes it's easier to chastise yourself for not expressing your feelings or emotions when your life is coming to it's end..but harder to actually live that way 24/7.

@Hitchens I would add that I make a distinction between regrets and disappointments. To me a regret is knowing the right thing to do and not doing it anyway. A disappointment is doing the right thing and having a crap outcome anyway. I have no significant real regrets in life because I've always been true to the light I had at any given moment.

However, you might call me the Prince of Insufficient Light because I have disappointments in spades. I'm disappointed in myself for the years I spent in theism. I'm disappointed in love for the most part. Those are two areas I did the best I knew how to do at the time, but it mostly didn't work out, and I'm still dealing with the knock-on effects of those things.

Then there is my fellow man ... as a theist I was pretty pessimistic, as a deconvert found a new compassion and respect for Other People, since the Trumpocalypse feel rather hugely disabused of that; I'm not going to die in the same sort of country I was born into. Thanks in large part to evangelicals, which I used to be a part of! There's irony for you.

On my deathbed, I'm expected to say "I had a good life". I can make a strong case either way. I drew the best possible card coming into this world -- white, anglo-saxon protestant, heterosexual, male, born into an upwardly mobile middle class family that was unconditionally loving and ultimately intact. Then I blew a lot of that capital, largely through religious faith, and had a lot of bad luck with people sick and dying, and other unwanted drama, grief and loss.

But ... at least, no regrets. There's that. I'm just pointing out that major regrets is only part of the story when you reach the clearing at the end of the path.

I think sometimes when people assess their life and have regrets as in the subject article, they are in part saying to themselves, "if only I had done more of x and less of y, maybe I'd be happier with the outcome." My thought is, you're probably grasping at straws. Life is inherently difficult, and we make lots of portentous decisions when we're young that end up being the gifts that keep on giving, whether we want them to or not. We make these decisions when we are inexperienced, impetuous, hormone-crazed, not fully-formed. When you get to my age you're only really starting to hit some kind of intuitive stride and live down your worst moments, and then you get sick and die. It's not much of a deal honestly. That's why I think we need better quality of life and longer healthspans / lifespans and less mortality pressure to figure things out and find ways to truly enjoy life -- without regrets OR disappointments. Long enough to write off all the mistakes as a sunk cost and reboot once you figure yourself out.

@mordant Wow Mordant... I was stuck to my seat there..sounds as though life has dealt you a shitty set of cards..but that you did the absolute best you could..and in the end you took over and became master of your own ship....steering out of the fog and into the sunset..while there is still time to enjoy it..I hope and trust.
You made a very observant and poignant distinction between regret and disappointment..a fair point elegantly demonstrated.
As you say you have endured a multitude of disappointments and few if any actual regrets based on what was within your sphere of control.
I hope life still has plenty to offer you.....and time to enjoy it. Thank you again.

@Hitchens Thanks. It's always a work in progress. Letting go of attachments to particular outcomes feels like lowering your expectations into the toilet (maybe even the septic tank) and reinventing yourself as someone who doesn't care about the things you used to, if about anything at all. Life is unkind to idealists.

That said I have people who love / care about me at least in their own way, I have a kick-ass professional life, am debt free, and am at least half-baked ready for retirement. And as I said above, Trumpism is not coming for me personally. So my disappointments and disillusionments, while huge, are at least somewhat offset and on my better days I just write them off as a sunk cost. And yes I have 10 to 30 more years to hopefully enjoy rather than endure. No rational reason to think it won't continue to be a combination of the two, but I'm used to the condition of not knowing whether to laugh or cry. At least my current wife has taught me the value of laughing at the absurd. That helps!

@mordant Seems to me you can hack it pretty well now..no major issues and s wife that reminds you to laugh..and I'm sure makes you laugh too.
I wish you both well. Thanks.

2

My biggest regret is not having my daughter 10 years earlier. Now I have to live 10 more years to make up for the lost time 🙂

Wow..yes I feel the same way about my two girls....maybe if I was 10 years younger I could keep up with them! Thank you Pixie ???

4

You know this article has special meaning for me as a cancer survivor. I was in palliative care 5 years ago. Five years in remission from a deadly leukemia I have made my own resolutions:

  1. Live one day at a time. Every day is important.
  2. Friends are important. I've had a few for 40 years, others for 30, and some for 7.
  3. If Iwant to go somewhere I will. No regrets visiting fellow member long distance.
  4. making friends with people that share my beliefs, politics, etc.
  5. Want to die at home with family and friends - no more hospitals/nursing homes.

Hi Sassy, firstly I hope and trust you are feeling well now. I feel sure that an illness like that can take a serious toll on anyone..but you beat it..I can't begin to imagine the horror of what you have been through. Are you in remission now ..or do you have the all clear? I hope you do. I have taken your 5 points to heart..and thank you so much for your real life and detailed response.

0

I don't follow links to fakebook.

That's fine may I call you Dave? I barely venture on to it myself these days, that was a FB post I saved from a long time ago because I got a lot out of it, and still do, I worked with many many dying people in an Oncology Hospital many years ago, and their last conversations over a friendly game of chess for example were painfully honest. Hope the reference to FB didnt spoil your evening too much.

@Hitchens didnt mean to seem snooty. I wonder if there is another route to the same material.

@CallMeDave That's ok, not sure about that..but I would say it could probably be found on Google.. but may well lead back to the FB source rather than original blog etc but it's a good question...I must have a look to see.

1

When asked, shortly before his death if had had any regrets in his life, the former Poet Laureate, knight of the realm and distinguished social commentator Sir John Betjeman replied

Yes, I haven't had enough sex, but I being English and this being the BBC I suspect I'm not allowed to say that!

Yes! He was sitting there in his wheelchair, and I remember sptting my coffee all over my lap,..it was so unexpected yet refreshingly honest, I often think about that,..and endeavour to persevere in not ending up with that particular regret.?

4

2 & 3 mostly but that was in the past. Now, I don't work hard and I do speak my mind and show my feelings.

Thanks Bee, that must have been a difficult transition to make..I mean speaking your mind rather than keeping the peace...that is to say, you can change your work-life balance by working less or retiring, but deciding you are going to change something like expressing yourself completely and honestly is not so easy.

How is Texas treating you by the way?

@Hitchens, very nicely thanks. I have a great hostess that spoils me! So having a wonderful time.

@Hitchens, actually the transition wasn't that hard. I am retired but the speaking my mind is just becoming easier and easier. I think age plays some part, we become less inhibited I think.

@BeeHappy Glad you're being looked after.
Yes agreed, I think as you age your tolerance for B.S bottoms out, therefore you learn to speak your mind if only to avoid or counteract situations that no longer have the patience or time to endure. It's certainly true that the older you get the less you care about what some people think.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:89671
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.