Punxsutawney Phil Proclaims Six More Weeks of Winter

Pennsylvania’s most famous groundhog “Punxsutawney Phil,” made his appearance this past Wednesday at sunrise for the 136th time, much to the delight of thousands of fans gathered at Gobbler’s Knob in Punxsutawney, Pa. This was the largest gathering ever, according to the Inner Circle of Punxsutawney Groundhog Club. Tradition has it that if Phil sees his shadow, we’re in store for six more weeks of winter, and sure enough - Phil saw his shadow.

Interesting! Gee, wonder what the weather prediction would be - if Phil “bites” his handlers? Now, some of you may dismiss Phil’s meteorological career as complete nonsense simply because he’s a groundhog, but the way I look at it - Phil’s got over 136 years of experience, and that’s one helluva lot more than any of those wacko weather half-wits you see on local TV. And, I’m not the only one singing Phil’s praises. Word has it Joe Rogan has just booked Phil on his podcast, to get Phil’s take on the COVID pandemic.

Of course, Punxsutawney Phil does have his detractors. For example, some claim Phil hasn’t really used his shadow to predict the weather in ages, and that he’s been secretly relying on satellite imagery for years now. Meanwhile, an angry Donald Trump said “there is no way anyone can do the weather accurately, without using a sharpie and a paper map,” adding that this “glorified little rat always predicts six more weeks of winter. Why, I’d like to wring his damn neck!” Then, of course, there’s always the QAnon folks, who claim Phil's nothing but a puppet mouthpiece for the “Deep Weather State.”

Anyway, on a sad note, New Jersey’s own weather-predicting groundhog named “Milltown Mel” died this Sunday - just days before this year’s big, annual ceremony. I mean, we all know what it means when a groundhog sees his shadow, but what the hell’s a “dead groundhog” supposed to mean? Total climate disaster? Anyway, even though Phil sees six more weeks of winter ahead, it could have been a helluva lot worse. I mean, he could have predicted four more years of Donald Trump.

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