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I would like some advice/input please even though I think I know the answer. I think my son might be gay. No biggie but... Do I ask him directly or just let him figure things out on his own? As a bi male with LGBT friends and family our home has always been a place for understanding and respect so I doubt he would be afraid to come out. I'm just not sure, it took me years to find my own path.

FIREmedic 7 Jan 28
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1

I don't think asking is bad, neither is waiting for him to decide if he has something to tell. The important part is that he knows that ANY LGBTQ-XYZ issue is ok with you. He could also be pan, transgender, asexual, who knows. But as long as he knows that you care about his wellbeing in all cases, then he will find his way. Another option is to offer him to see a therapist, for any reason, and that he understands that the therapist will not tell you anything. That could give him an option if he needs someone to talk to but still feels self conscious about discussing it with you, and that you assure him it is ok not to talk about everything with you, but still have someone he can feel comfortable talking with. It is no reflection on you if he feels that way.

“Offering a therapist” can imply there’s something wrong with him. Perhaps you are thinking about a school counselor or, god forbid, a member of the clergy. Recommend continuing your accepting vibe and let nature take over.

@Redmon17 Lots of words can imply lots of things. Luckily, actual communication can clarify what you are trying to accomplish. I see no problem trying to find a way for someone you love to have someone to talk things over with if they don't feel comfortable sharing the issue with you. Obviously we don't know very much about this particular situation, or how the son feels about talking about something he may not even fully know how he feels about himself. There are tons of resources, LGBT community ones, traditional therapists, friends, family, and yes, even clergy. Many faiths are very accepting of the LGBT community. That doesn't mean they are all good choices, but neither do we need to imply some stereotype of clergy as automatic child molesters, or as anti-LGBT. Nature taking over can certainly work, as long as the father does not see any concerning issues in doing so. I don't know what percentage of LGBT youth hide their distress about whatever their issue is, but I am sure that many hide it very well and then the parents get a shock when their child ends up dead. Yeah, support in general can work, but sometimes children are so overwhelmed that they may not see general support as including such a scary issue. I know how terrified I was as an adult who was already living on my own, to finally tell my mom I was gay. I still feared a negative reaction, and initially got one. Imagine fearing rejection that could include fear of being kicked out of the house and being homeless, or worse. Not to mention that some of these kids have friends at school who have actually experienced abuse or rejection and been kicked out of the house. It can really make you fearful if you hear about such things. Nothing about coming out is easy, even now.

2

Well, I believe that being open and comfortably able to discuss sex and sexuality is really important. Things are a bit stuffy and closed off. He may not want to discuss thing straight away but if he feels that you will be understanding and not judgemental then he will likely be more trusting and discuss thing with you in the fututre. Let him know that about your experiences in life. As a parent you have to be the one to reach out with that security line.

2

Share your journey if he’s interested, but don’t take it personally if he elects not to disclose. I’m a professional sex educator and said all the “right” things to encourage open communication, but my daughters shared little about their sexuality with me. That’s OK! We all have a right to create our own boundaries.

UUNJ Level 8 Jan 28, 2019
2

Yes, don't ask. I would just add that, in addition to actual acquaintances, there are other opportunities for discussion if you watch any tv or movies, etc with him, any time some openly queer person is on; that is a chance for you to makes supportive comments. Also, it is a judgment call based on his age and also his demonstrated receptiveness to these discussions, but it can help to take any reasonable opportunities to talk about your own journey, including any self-doubt or anxiety and uncertainty about what others might think of you. All this gives your son convenient opportunities to give you feedback or input into his own feeling on the subject....if he wants to. If he declines to jump at that opportunity, you don't push.

1

I was going to put my 2 cents in, but I think PalacinkyPDX said it better than I could, so Ill just "ditto" her reply.

2

You can always leave a book on the topic hanging around. 😉

A Discussion opener. "Hey I'm reading this....".

I wouldn't push - just maybe something that lets him know you noticed - without pushing.

RavenCT Level 9 Jan 28, 2019
7

Let him know that whatever he is is ok with you and that you love him. I'd let him figure himself out. Just show love and support for the LGBTQ community so he knows that when he's ready he has nothing to fear from you.

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