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Do we have an obligation to correct non-malicious misgendering?

I put an account on Facebook yesterday of an encounter I had with some random guy. I was dragging a trolley full of boxes to a charity shop. It tipped over as I took it down the ramp. This man came to my rescue, helped me to load some of the boxes back onto the trolley and carried the rest into the shop.

At first encounter, he clearly read me as female, since he addressed me as 'love.' By the time we'd got into the shop (and he'd heard my voice) that had changed to 'mate.' No aggression on his part, and he carried on being just as pleasant, he'd just changed his evaluation of my gender and was addressing me accordingly. Something that happens from time to time, and that I don't always believe has malicious intent.

My spin on this? The guy helped me out. He made a common mistake. I don't think he needs the lesson that no good deed goes unpunished by being corrected (and possibly embarrassed) in front of the shop staff and customers. He'd helped me out, and correcting him would hardly have been an appropriate display of gratitude.

But one of my friends thought otherwise. I am now complicit in every misgendering of a trans person by someone ignorant, by failing to take the opportunity to educate this one individual. I've bascially gone from victim (not that I ever felt like one) to perpetrator, simply by not choosing to make a point. If this guy (or society in general) misgenders someone else, resulting in extreme dysphoria on their part, then I'm apparently at least partly to blame.

I'm just wondering how others might have handled this situation, and whether or not anyone else thinks the friend's assessment is reasonable.

NicoleCadmium 7 Aug 14
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6 comments

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1

I think you handled it well and it not you job to educate everyone. They guy wasn’t being a jerk, so let it slide.

CS60 Level 7 Aug 14, 2019
3

i think the man did the right thing...he mis-gendered you...and corrected himself...you kept on like it was NO BIG DEAL...and THAT was the right thing. I don't think people need to be hit over the head with a hammer every time they make a mistake...ONE thing you COULD'VE DONE if you choose to in the future, is IMMEDIATELY when somebody comes to your aide...say THANK YOU...IMMEDIATELY...before they finish...avoids all confusion. But if you want to wait to the end so they won't get up and walk away...that is your choice. But as far as i am concerned...your friend over reacted...totally.

1

Kindness is becoming rare. I wouldn't mess with it.

brentan Level 8 Aug 14, 2019

EXACTLY!

0

He clearly corrected himself. What else could you have said?

1

If necessary sometimes its just error

bobwjr Level 10 Aug 14, 2019
3

We ran into that with an older fella - I looked at Kafirah she looked at me we grinned and we didn't smite the guy. (That day). Next time if it happens again? We might do a little hands on workshop.

However the misgendering nurse dude at Planned Parenthood got reported today.
He was just a jerk.

I think picking battles is important. And to consider how much energy you have in a day to explain to someone who may or may not be receptive.

Your gender isn't a lesson for the world except when you are willing to share.

It is not your duty to educate the entire world.

RavenCT Level 9 Aug 14, 2019

Thank you. Pretty much my thoughts, to be honest.

Where it's wilful and malicious, I agree that it needs to be tackled. In those situations, and where it's someone providing a service, it seems reasonable to report the issue to their employer. If it's just some random in the street, I think you need to gauge the situation carefully. Self-preservation is at the top of my list. Hurt feelings heal on their own, given time. Broken teeth don't.

Where it isn't malicious, I'll usually let it slide. I sometimes have to do this in work, since I have a customer facing role. While my employer is behind me if I experience any outright transphobia, I don't think it's fair that they should have to deal with conflict that arise from a customer being slightly insensitive, out of ignorance rather than malice.

@NicoleCadmium I really think most folks are trying.

And if it's a one off situation where you may never see the person again - you really have to choose.

To me it's Spoon Theory. You only have so many Spoons to spend in a given day and you can't be wasting them all the time on the same thing.

You decide when it matters and when it's okay to give someone a pass.
No one else can tell you that.

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