Best horoscope bit ever was in Monty Python (as with all things):
(2 pepperpots, i.e. Eric Idle and Terry Jones dressed as old women, reading the horoscope section)
Mrs O: What are you?
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm Nesbitt.
Mrs O: There's not a zodiacal sign called Nesbitt.
Mrs Trepidatious: All right, Derry and Toms. (a famous London department store)
Mrs O: (surveying paper) Aquarius, Scorpio, Virgo, Derry and Toms. April 29th to March 22nd. Even dates only.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well what does it presage?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin, and a soft yellow underbelly with a series of fin-like ridges running down your spine and tail. Although lizardlike in shape, you can grow anything up to thirty feet in length with huge teeth that can bite off great rocks and trees. You inhabit arid sub-tropical zones and wear spectacles.
Mrs Trepidatious: It's very good about the spectacles.
Mrs O: It's amazing.
Mrs Trepidatious: Mmm. What's yours, Irene?
Mrs O: Basil.
Mrs Trepidatious: I'm sorry, what's yours, Basil?
Mrs O: No. That's my star sign, Basil.
Mrs Trepidatious: There isn't a...
Mrs O: Yes there is, Aquarius, Sagittarius, Derry and Toms, Basil. June 21st to June 22nd.
Mrs Trepidatious: Well, what does it say?
Mrs O: You have green, scaly skin and a series of yellow underbellies running down your spine and tail...
Mrs Trepidatious: That's exactly the same!
Mrs O: Try another one. What's Aquarius?
Mrs Trepidatious: It's a zodiacal sign.
Mrs O: I know that, what does it say in the paper Mrs Flan-and-pickle?
Mrs Trepidatious: All right. Oh! It says, 'A wonderful day ahead. You will be surrounded by family and friends. Roger Moore will drop in for lunch, bringing Tony Curtis with him. In the afternoon a substantial cash sum will come your way. In the evening Petula Clark will visit your home accompanied by The Mike Sammes singers. She will sing for you in your own living room. Before you go to bed, Peter Wyngarde will come and declare his undying love for you.'
Mrs O: Urghh! What's Scorpio?
Mrs Trepidatious: Oh, that's very good. 'You will have lunch with a schoolfriend of Duane Eddy's, who will insist on whistling some of Duane's greatest instrumental hits. In the afternoon you will die, you will be buried...'
And happy birthday today to all born under the sign of Basil.
I'm Cancer and I feed wild crows and some let me get almost in touching distance.
I also have lots of health problems so I spend all my money on medicine and live in my car while holding down a full time engineering job, (thanks capitalism) and I'm 62.
Damn it I know there's not much time left!
Asshole Astrology guy.