Agnostic.com
3 6

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!


ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?


And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

phxbillcee 10 Mar 29
Share
You must be a member of this group before commenting. Join Group

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

3 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

Those are hilarious! Thank you!

3

Great! Thanks!?

BeeHappy Level 9 Mar 29, 2018
3

What do you call 2000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean.....?

...a good start?

Now, explain it to me like I was a 2 year old.

@BeeHappy the answer is a good head start.

@phxbillcee I knew I could trust you to have the answer...

Hey, did I do good on that one? Philadelphia, Denzel Washington.

@BeeHappy yes! Excellent!

Finally! I got something! ?

@BeeHappy I hear they have shots for that, now!

@phxbillcee, you'd know! ?

Recent Visitors 18

Photos 77,298 More

Posted by Ryo1

Posted by KilltheskyfairyThose are my pronouns too!

Posted by KilltheskyfairyEaster hack??

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by KilltheskyfairyStill Women’s History Month…

Posted by noworry28There's nothing Holy about any of the Torah, New Testament, or Quran.

Posted by KilltheskyfairyHappy Atheist Day to my fellow Atheists!

Posted by KilltheskyfairyYou can’t win!

Posted by noworry28This is so funny 😁

  • Top tags#god #religion #religious #world #video #memes #friends #hope #Atheist #kids #reason #church #DonaldTrump #hell #cats #money #dogs #sex #Jesus #atheism #relationship #children #Bible #book #truth #Christian #beliefs #death #movies #parents #belief #evidence #animals #community #laws #agnostic #mother #wife #fear #humans #society #earth #faith #believer #religions #guns #Song #books #Christians #humor ...

    Members 2,975Top

    Moderators