10 2

So here it is:

Apparently, on dating sites, relationships are supposed to fall into one of two categories:

  1. One-night stands, or "hookups".
  2. Forever and ever, let's get married and live the Disney dream.

So....what if what you are looking for is something "intermediate"-a relationship of indeterminate duration, but not necessarily "forever and ever", nor a "quickie"?

I mean, honestly, this seems more realistic, to me, at any rate. So what gives?

Deveno 7 June 21

Post a comment Reply Add Photo

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account


Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.


I've mostly gotten both those extreme responses, and I don't get it, either. It's refreshingly rare when the response is something moderate - and actually I'm surprised I'm saying that, because I always used to feel relationships were all or nothing. But I'm in a situation right now that is so new to me, where I have no idea where it's going but I'm just enjoying the ride. Six months ago I never would have imagined this.


Well if you're both committed to improving yourselves and listening to each other, why would you end the relationship? There's an old post on my profile with Jordan Peterson talking about why people get married, and his tone is a bit aggressive but he's accurate: it makes you more committed to solving your problems if the only alternative is butting heads over it for the next 40 years. If you can leave, sometimes that's easier than actually fixing things. If you've said that's not a possibility (with the exception of abuse perhaps), you have to work things out. It doesn't have to be the naivete of thinking you'll be happy forever, it can be the realization that your relationship is worth working out your problems for.

Mr Petersen is a Christian so he's obviously going to favour marriage and fidelity. He very conservative beneath his word salad.

@Alanb5 He's a Christian like I'm a Democrat. I'm officially a member of the party, but I no longer agree with pretty much any of them. By his own admission, he doesn't go to mass and only metaphorically believes in the concepts of religion. He is quite conservative, but he explains most of his positions well, including in the video I mentioned.


Whatever happened to "friends with benefite"?

falls into a variation of the "hook-up"

@evergreen not really, IMO, because of the "friends" part....i think of actual Friends, not Tumble "friends"....too old-school, i guess

@AnneWimsey it seems the definition of "friend" and "hook-up" are determined by the participants ... whatever works, I guess.


Robert Heinlein had the right idea, 5 year contract with the option to renew (or not).

I think I'd go with a 3 year option = definitely should know by then!


Sounds like what most people want.
Few want to locked into something forever and ever.
Especially if the love and sexual attraction has faded and physical contact is only a distant memory.


I guess we just have to indicate that we are interested in dating, maybe finding A ONE for a while....I don't know. Good question.

lcmdws Level 4 June 21, 2018

Just stand your ground and set very clear in what you want. Honesty is the best thing...and make sure to respect the other person...if they do not want one night stands, don't be that will find people like yourself and how you think if you stick to being upfront..


I am personally not interested in hooking up or casual sex. I certainly don’t think that every date can or should turn into a long-term relationship, and I know that most relationships don't make it to forever. but if you aren’t looking for something that could become a long-term relationship, what are you HONESTLY looking for? Friendship? Sex without commitment? Commitment with the stated intent that you will eventually get bored and leave?

Those are good thought-provoking questions. I suspect there are different answers for different people. I am a bit suspicious of someone withholding physical intimacy without a promise of a life-time commitment...something I feel can lead to all kinds of unhealthy dependencies.

Personally, I would love to see something bloom into something long-term....I was married 24 years, and was devoted to my last girlfriend for 9-both relationships ended because I out-lived them. I feel quite strongly that if someone shares their body with you, you owe them a certain modicum of respect and decency. It's so personal, after all.

What am I REALLY looking for? That's hard to answer....I think like anyone else, I would like to drink deeply from the fountain of true love, until all my insecurities and fears evaporate...but, that's a lot to ask of a woman. Now, friendship can be a beautiful thing, the only drawback is when you come up hard against its boundaries, which sometimes can be a bit painful. I do not know how typical I am, but I have a rich inner emotional life, and I am constantly frustrated by my inability to express it.

But it doesn't seem right to me that the only alternative to casual sex is getting married or some emotional equivalent. I'm not knocking marriage, mind you, I have seen some great ones.I'm just not a big fan of "all or nothing", although I know many people prefer to live that way.

@Deveno I also think it’s kind of weird and probably manipulative for grown people to withhold physical affection to extract a lifetime commitment. It sounds to me like what you’re saying is that you’d like to find someone to love, whether it lasts forever or not. But most people can break it down to, looking for something long-term/committed or looking for something that is... not. Or happy to engage in casual until long-term comes along.
Everyone has their own needs and limits and that’s ok - you have to find someone whose needs align with yours. As many a single woman will tell you, if you are looking for a partner, don’t hook up with someone casually thinking they will change their mind.

@A2Jennifer Um, yes!

It's all pretty much hypothetical at this point. Got nothing going on.


"Dear Diary,

Another day gone and it didn't happen. Tomorrow, I hope to meet a man who wants a relationship that's intermediate - someone who will think I'm so amazing that he'd like to spend an indeterminate amount of time with me. That perfect combination of finding me attractive enough to do me, but irritated enough by my antics that he's not willing to go the distance. oh, if only."


Athena Level 8 June 21, 2018

So snarky. I love it!


There was no offence intended. I totally get what you mean, but it's the first thing that came to mind when I read the post. 🙂

@Athena Well, if you had meant to wound, then I totally mis-read the wink....

Yes, glad you took it the right way!

To answer your question seriously, this is what could work.

"I'm not looking to jump into marriage, but it would be nice to find the kind of relationship that's so great it would make me want to."

The thing with a statement like that is it's very positive, but it doesn't suggest you're wanting to get married, or opposed to the idea entirely either. The fact is, if you found that kind of great thing, you might actually consider marriage after all.

Then, you'd have to take down that post and I'd have to find new "dear diary" material.


I am looking for someone to have lunch or dinner with on occasion. The men who contact me either want either the aforementioned one night stand or the longterm commitment. At my age, the younger guys have older women fantasies and the men near my age want the commitment.

Out of curiosity, I read your profile. You have quite the way with words, very nicely done.

@Deveno Thank you. I am not an English teacher for nuthin'. (Grin.)

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:112628
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.