I would like your thoughtful answers about the following:. One of our most popular cliches about dating is "Don't settle". However, each and everyone one of us is looking for a companion who will accept us with all of our faults and foibles. Where does one end and the other begin?
"Don't settle" isn't the same thing as "don't compromise".
Obviously I'd love to meet and get involved with someone with the looks and mind of Natalie Portman (Semi-finalist in the Intel Science Talent Search competition in high school. Studied neuroscience and psychology at Harvard University. Attended graduate school at the Hebrew University in Jerusalem. Fluent in Hebrew; has studied Japanese, Arabic, French, and German. Has the same Erdős–Bacon number as Carl Sagan, Reported IQ of 140) and who happens to live in the next apartment block.
Well, pretty clearly that's unlikely to happen. So who I'm interested in, is someone as smart as or smarter than me (not hard to find), someone funny, someone warm, someone who can communicate, someone who has no problem expressing feelings and affection, someone who wants physical contact and physical love. Someone who knows what she wants, and wants those things with me. That's the bottom line and what I won't "settle" about.
The compromise part comes in when you realize that you meet people from all over in the world today, with online dating and so on. I just had coffee this weekend with someone who lives a 3 hour round trip away. We had a lot of fun meeting. We had been chatting for a few weeks already, and we have a lot in common as far as our desires for someone to be close to, for physical affection. If it turns out we really hit it off, I'm going to have to do a lot of traveling. I can do that. I can compromise having someone there all the time, for the quality of the time that I do get.
This is such a loaded statement because of the ambiguity of the term. Assuming this is a person you are going to be with, the one if you will, here's a stab:
There are characteristics I am unyielding on, others there is some slack, and still others I am willing to overlook. The most important no-compromise: she must be exceptionally bright. Likely with a graduate degree, preferably in a subject requiring a good amount of math. A rigorous thinker in other words. And she must be of the mindset that they seek the right answer, rather than seeking to be right. The latter eliminates dogma be it religious or otherwise.
A couple of other no compromises I don't care to state as I don't wish to offend.
Though it's not necessarily "settling", whenever one chooses to take another into their lives, more or less steadily, for whatever purpose, there is a certain amount of mutual adjustment and compromise that needs to take place.
Assuming things between partners are relatively on the same page, we all need to decide what we can, or cannot live with. And of course - so does the partner !
Great question! What does it mean to settle? Hmmm... well that’s probably the same as defining “what is love?” . I could give examples or I could just turn you to Robin Williams’ explanation in good will hunting. “I’ll save you the trouble sport, this girl you speak of, she’s not perfect, the question is, is she perfect for you?”
End of my stupid post . Carry on !!
i am ambivalent about this; as a flawed human, i can't see myself as someones 10 (maybe a 6?), but knowing that most other folks also see their own flaws magnified which sorta puts us all on the same bus, how does one not 'settle' on someone else? Settling seems to be the wrong term. i would love to settle with someone, not settle ON someone.
I just don't settle anymore. I have in the past, and have found out...I'm fine on my own too. I think as someone else mentioned in their comment, core values is what I'm looking for first. Then all the other oddities I'm into, they don't have to match exactly, but I need commonalities more than differences. I like to share the huge expanse of GenX pop culture with someone else. As great as all that is, when all is said and done...the person still standing in front of me and waiting after experiencing me...is who wins, because that person is a champion.
I think relationships are definitely about compromise. However I won't settle for someone that doesn't share my same core values. I'm not into sports but I'm fine if they are.....that's a compromise. However I won't be with someone who doesn't support human rights or who is overly religious.
In the end, we all settle for a relationship (for those lucky enough to find one). It is and always will be my belief that there is no one who is 100% what we are looking for. That would make a person perfect. Which isn’t possible.
So we settle for our loved ones faults and shortcomings. If you can find someone who is 75%-90%, That’s as close as you’re going to find to someone that is perfect. And thus, we settle. When getting into a relationship, your body is flooded with endorphins and sartonin. Which makes it easy to gloss over our partner’s flaws. But once the honeymoon period is over, we start realizing that they aren’t possible.
I find a variety of traits attractive. But a rationale mind is one of the biggies. But I would also want a partner who enjoyed the same things I do. Now, the odds of finding someone who is rational, smart, enjoys anime, video games, collecting things, dogs, has a decent sex drive, and a bunch of other things are extremely remote. So, do I stay single forever because the odds of finding that partner are rather astronomical or do I ‘settle’ for a partner that likes 80% of those things?
One of the odd things about the Jehovah's Witnesses was that even though they weren't fans of Darwin, they were solid believers in evolution when it came to finding a mate. Just like the powerful males got the beautiful women since time immemorial and people take what they can down the hierarchy, the brothers and sisters were supposed to appraise themselves realistically when they wanted to get married.
I think everyone has there faults but I also think it is how much a person gives in a relationship. If I'm giving 100% all the time and my partner is only giving 50%... then I'm not settling for that. I except to get back just as much as I give.