Have you ever loved someone struggling with addiction? Have you wondered if what you thought was strong, passionate love on their part may have been addiction? Perhaps you were their new "drug of choice"? Being loved by someone with addictive tendencies can be exciting. When does soemone's love for you become pathological?
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12 comments
Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.I was in love with someone who ended up being an oxycontin addict. She stole all my jewelry. My class ring from UCF, the first piece of gold I ever had that my mother gave me that had a Blue Star Sapphire in it, a gold two tone necklace that my daughter used to chew on when she was teething, bracelets necklaces. All for some oxycontin. I hope karma really kicks her in the ass.
Stilltrying1964
Level 7
Oct 15, 2018
1
I've walked away from that scenario twice.
Lessons learned.
As soon as the red flags go up, I'm out.
My job is not to "fix" anyone.
Having compassion is one thing. Being made to feel responsible for ANYTHING regarding another person (who is not your minor child), is quite another.
KKGator
Level 9
July 25, 2018
2
Yes, exactly! I wouldn’t knowlingly enter a relationship with an addict, reagardless of time sober. I’ve got lots of love to give, but to myself first.
I was in love with a cocaine addict for ten years. The deal was, if she went back to cocaine our realationships is finished. Her love for me was great until she went back on cocaine, then we ended because that was her God.
Castlepaloma
Level 8
July 25, 2018
0
That’s pretty much how my marriage ended up. He’d relapse, move out, get sober, come back. Hugs.
Being a loved one to an addict is very hard. I lived with it for many years before walking away. It's a daily struggle and you're not even the one using! It was never fun or exciting. It stressed me out because no matter what was said nothing ever changed. It's been years and he's sober now and wants me back. His co dependence is driving me crazy. I have to remind him it's over often because the minute I'm nice to him, he forgets and Bam! we're a couple again. I know he still loves me but I've been burned enough for a lifetime and my ass isn't going back. ?
Deedreaming
Level 5
July 24, 2018
3
Good for you for setting healthy boundaries! You have to put your well being first.
Story of my life. All my past relationships had some sort of addiction one way or another. But then again, as they say, when you are in the trees, its hard to see the forest. When I got out and away from it all, which took months to get my life back in order, not feel lost without them, get my independence back, etc. Then I realized, I was just an enabler for them and it was toxic for me and them combined but they couldn't understand that. Follow your gut. Listen to what your body says, it will give you clues that something is not right.
mistymoon77
Level 9
July 24, 2018
3
Al-anon is a great support group. They helped me understand what I can and cannot do for myself. There is nothing you can do for the addict. You have to heal yourself. I would do a search for any local groups and attend a meeting.
helionoftroy
Level 7
July 24, 2018
1
Thanks, I've done various support groups in the past. I learned how to deal with loving an addict. My focus now is being sure to avoid loving one in the future. No offense to those in recovery, but it's a deal breaker for me.
Wasn't a chemical addiction per se, but shared some similar characteristics. I'd often wondered if my very presence was a facilitating factor. That's a shitty feeling, not knowing if you might be making things worse, despite your best intentions.
ghettophilosopher
Level 7
July 24, 2018
0
I dated a girl with addiction problems, without going in to all the the reasons that sucked, suffice to say she’s still addicted and I’m not there.
ArdentAtheist
Level 8
July 24, 2018
2
You don't need to tell me how much it sucks! Did you find her initially intensely into you, and later realize you were just another addiction?
@Untamedshrew When it was hot it was hot... but drugs were more important, sometimes that would lead to amazing and other times cold and distant. The cold and distant part was increasing with the drug use. Since I did not do drugs that left me out of things when it was time to crush and snort pills. I was not an addiction, I was in the way. She also is the person that introduced me to meditation so there were many different personalities that could pop up. She was very together by all outward appearances but not so much when you knew her.
@ArdentAtheist Thanks for the input. It's difficult to deal with addicts. My husband was like night and day from sober to using, two completely different people.
There's a limit to what can be tolerated. My mother is an alcoholic and the sister of my ex is a heroin addict. We even went on Intervention to get her sister the best help possible. Both ultimately had to be removed from our lives.
UselessBastard
Level 4
July 24, 2018
1
I have no problem with setting boundaries. When my husband was actively using, he had to move out, I won't enable or witness someone destroy themselves. His paychecks were direct deposited to my account to pay bills. I still loved him, but I wasn't going to let his illness destroy me. My question is: in the future, how can I tell the difference between healthy new realtionship excitement and addiction substitution?
@Untamedshrew I won't say it's easy, but operating under the assumption that you have had other relationships, then the determination should be easier for an active user: Lying, random cash or items missing, disappearing without valid explanations, "friends" showing up, etc etc.
For a substitution, that's more difficult. Obsessive behavior would be one red flag.... Most healthy relationships I've had, the woman had a social life without needing me to be included. There's obviously the honeymoon phase, but after that, if the person you're with considers and acts like you are their whole life, rampant jealousy, it's most likely not a good one to be in...
If you have problems with making this determination, then I would make sure you have a close friend that is around you that can be an objective third party. If you have to make excuses like "you don't understand, he's not like that when we're alone", then I'd run away 
@Untamedshrew I've witnessed and experienced addictive relationships from one side or another and in every single one, trust and control issues have been their undoing. Remember, you don't have to go out with an addict, and you may see a difference when you don't. No need to be afraid of something different.
@Useless512 I can spot an active user a mile away; it's become one of my greatest skills. I've been encouraged to work in the substance use field, but I just don't have the constitution for it. I have empathy, but I don't want the drama. My husband was in recovery when we met, though I didn't realize he had those addiction issues until about a year after we married. I need to learn how to avoid those in recovery who, let's face it, have a pretty good chance of relapsing.
@KissedbySun I'm a social worker, so codependency is kind of my default setting LOL. But I'm in recovery from that. I've learned how to deal with those issues when they come up in a relationship, but in the future I'd just rather not start a relationship where those issues come up.
@ThinkKate I have no intention of ever again getting involved with an addict, in recovery or not. No offense to those in recovery, it's just not for me. I just need to figure out how to avoid that. My husband was in recovery and I later realized our relationship became his new drug. When he didn't get what he needed from me, the drugs became a problem again.
@KissedbySun thank you! Best to to you as well!
My experience was the opposite. She hid it from me for a LONG time. Me trying to be understanding, listening to excuses of tired, and sick, and not feeling well, and knowing I was missing out on a real relationship. Stress ate, was sure it was getting worse because me... then my son told me what was really going on. As much as she said she loved me, the only effort she put in was hiding her drinking and coming up with excuses.
Sad thing is.. I did not change, so I still love her, just can't trust her and am moving on...
TaylorWalston
Level 6
July 24, 2018
1
The lying is definitely worse than the actual substance use. If you can't trust someone, there is no chance of a healthy relationship.
@Untamedshrew yeah, 28 years of forgiving childish lapses, immaturity, then when things should be going great, she decided the bottle was her happy place ): Once I found out, I did everything I could to help, but she was not having it.
@TaylorWalston 28 years?! I can't imagine! I was with my husband for 15, but he was sober for much of that. When he was actively using, I set clear boundaries that resulted in him moving out until he got back under control. Hugs to you!
@Untamedshrew Drinking was only 15 years that I know of now... found out 4 years ago. Had a dog die from cancer, another needing knee surgeries... there was every reason to give her time and a chance to try. Thanks for the hugs!
I have. It definitely WAS addiction (hindsight 20/20). I was a substitute addiction but it didn't last very long before I was disappointing. Pathological? Probably when they actually believe that using and controlling you will make them happy.
JenBeberstein
Level 8
July 24, 2018
1
100% on the hindsight! Addiction and early stages of love are just so similar.
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