Laid an old friend to rest last week, non religious and no one mentioned god that I'm aware of. Music was her favorite tracks ending with a dance/rave song. Some of the girls were braving it to try and dance for our fallen friend. What she wanted. So i Did the unthinkable, I shouted OY OY at the top of my voice and in seconds half the large crowd were dancing including on the pews. The staff were really great, they immediately whacked the sound right up. We raved the Crematorium

The person who really did know the real Vincent was there and that's what counts.

ah, the dichotomy of religion, where you love someone enough to want to believe in all the hub bub about god and afterlife, but you don't respect them enough to back off from the dogma when they refuse to drink the cool aid.

It doesn't sound like his family are bad people - but it does sound like they didn't really know him (or you), just the versions of each of you they have in their minds. So it's the double edged sword of wanting, even needing to stay connected, and being reminded of their lack of knowledge of him each time.

I wish there were an easy answer, but there never is in these situations. Living here in the Deep South, I feel outnumbered every day, and pick my times to speak out very carefully - even where family is concerned. My own mother, whom I love very much, thinks I am a very religious man, because of how I live my life. She can't imagine how anyone could be agnostic, (or anything except southern baptist) and still be a good person. So I decided long ago that I would used my words carefully, and allow her to keep that image of what she thinks I am in her head, simply for her own benefit. While that is a part of me she does not know - and could never accept if she did know - that doesn't mean she does not know me.

So maybe the same can be said for Vincent's family; to not think that they didn't really know him, but that there was a part of him they didn't see (or couldn't accept) yet they still love him. There is something to be said for that, and a lot to be said that, even now, they still reach out to you - even if conversion to Mormonism is on their mind, you were on their mind as well - as someone they love.

I hope that these thoughts can bring you at least a little solace.

I hope you reach a place of peace sooner rather than later, but you do have to go through the grieving process in order to get there, so grieve, remember Vincent as you knew him and don't forget to take care of yourself along the way. I don't know you but from one human to another, I am glad that you are able to find some comfort with the folks here on this site.

That's a tough row to hoe, April ... as others have suggested, it's admirable that they have enough honor for you as Vincent's significant other that they try to reach out to you, even in a misguided way. But that you don't share the same understanding of the "real Vincent" makes that hard to bear. All we can do is bear witness to that pain, and offer our understanding and empathy. You can vent here all you need to, kiddo. We've got your back, and we'll listen.

Be well.

Don't know if it helps, but for me the ones that have left are still alive in my memory.
Stay strong.

Around here you don’t have the prejudices of religion. The people who express concern or sympathy actually care.

Thank you for sharing something so personal, and painful. I think Vincent's family THINK they are being helpful and coming from a good place (from their perspective). My suggestion is to thank them for their concern and just carry on. You know their belief system is partially a shield against truly dealing with the actual loss of a human life. An avoidance mechanism. As nonbelievers, we KNOW when you're dead, you're dead. For that reason, we cherish life more than any believer ever could.

And you're already one of us, so we don't need to convert you. =]

I like the energy in you.

I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you've been able to find at least a little solace here. I doubt that something like what you're going through every really goes away, but I hope that it gets easier with time.

Morn as long you need to. Do not lose sight that Life is for the Living. Live for him if you have to, live about him if you need to but... This is Your Life... Never forget. I remember being in the same car with my sister from DC to NYC on the way to her husband service and carrying the ashes listening 2 fucking songs over and over and over... one was about envying god for having a new angel.... I did not attended the service... I told her "I already did his service for 3 hours in the road listening 2 stupid songs, over and over and over". I never been into ceremonies really. To the point I didn't wanted one on my Retirement from 20 years in the Navy but my Boss convinced me... telling me is not about you... is about them... your co-workers in this Joint Command DISA EUROPE in Germany. Once the presedence is set of saying no... you taking away from your mates their Half the Day Off to Celebrate you, the Food, the Drinking, The Party. Do it for those that will like to have one. So I did... will like my ashes to the wind in the Caribbean Sea, no ceremony other than wind. The religious may know him but will still act like that disregarding what they know... because is what religion do... they will follow the script. Now your script in life as you knew it has a new chapter not there before... but do not lose that life needs to be about you first and take it from there. Good Luck and Peace to you.

they didn't but you did know him. shows how special you really are.

His reasoning was sound. It is sad how often those that give up their families religion end up distanced from them. Be well.

Be thankful that you knew him.

They obviously didn't know Vincent so don't let them punk you. LDS are sensitive for their own, not for anyone else's, so you need not worry about their feelings. Tell them to leave you alone or develop pat answers that will make them stop hurting you. I'm currently toying with "Your God is a delusional psychotic who's brutality knows zero bounds. Your God has it that everything is food for something else, mating is often deadly, so obviously holds no value for life. Thou told Jews to kill EVERYONE in Jericho, and did so Thyself with a flood. Those examples included pregnant women so get off this fetus fetish. I wouldn't want to worship such a being for a moment, let alone eternity, so relish where I'll go if you're right."

I'm sorry for your lose. I hope it gets better soon for you. At one time I considered joining the mormon cult. I'm glad I avoided that mistake. It might have haughted me for me for rest of my life. Plus, I hope those people don't bother you any more. Clearly they are wasting there time.

Hang in there April. No one knows nufink! (Double negative intended as a vernacular statement?) So keep your own dream alive whatever it may be.

None of us know the "real" us, sometimes not even us. It take a long time and even that changes. It is sad when people won't leave one alone with ones own grief. You don't need that, you have enough on your plate without having to put up with their stuff.

@AprilLynn -- Grief and the human need to go through it is not unique to any group of people or any set of magical notions. We all need to do it when we lose at any level and it is especially critical when the loss involves loved ones or those who have been close. I sincerely hope you are finding your way through this without suffering too much at the hands of the insensitive church folk.

Now, about Mormons (the second 'm' is silent) and their rotten approach to such issues. You probably know about their genealogy business, but you may not be aware that they have made it a habit to posthumously baptize (convert) people. This came to light and became quite an issue when it was discovered they were 'converting' holocaust victims.

[nytimes.com]

I am sorry for your loss...

We're with you in this. Do you have people in the real world to lean on too? Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss and am thankful that our online community is here for you. Truly a safe space to share your story. Hugs from us all.

I grew up in a SLC and I know all about the Mormons. You have my sympathy.

I believe you WILL be reunited with him. Not in any mystical, or supernatural way, but in the ways we all are reunited with the ones we have loved, the memories and feelings we hold in our hearts.

I know a little about grief. And yeah, it hurts. But part of the pain, is all the love you felt, and that is worth honoring.