Deconverting5, you have poured a lot of issues out in one big gush. It sounds like you are tied in knots of anxiety about belief. It was not clear to me why you desperately want to "un-believe." I am left to guess.
But here is what helped me get past fear. I was raised deeply immersed in Pentacostal teaching. It is all fear based. But it was crucial for me to recognize that the church, the Bible, and the existence (or nonexistance) of God are three separate issues.

You can know by just examining the facts that the church is full of hypocrisy, a fragmented, fundamentally human organization in thousands of separate versions, whose clout depends on convincing people that it alone speaks for God. It is bullshit. Rejecting the church does NOT mean you are necessarily rejecting God. That is for you to define.

Second, recognize that the Bible is a hodge-podge assemblage of archaic writings from a largely illiterate culture. You can literally pull out verses to argue almost any claim. It is refuted many places by science and archeological evidence. It even directly contradicts itself in a number of places. So read some scholarly, critical literature (I suggest "Jesus, Interrupted" ) on the history of how the Bible came to be. Hint: It has evolved over time and likely is not finished being tinkered with. "Infallible" Word of God?, ---not even close.

Third realize your fears of punishment are based on what your church taught you, with some emphasis on cherry-picked Biblical references. With the church authority and Biblical accuracy debunked, the question of whether God exists or not would seem to lack a convincing threat of damnation for being wrong.

If God exists, you have to ask "what kind of God?" If God is love, then Hell makes no sense; it is directly contradicted by the concept of love. If God is all knowing, then undoubtedly God would know in infinate detail exactly why you doubt or don't believe. God would know precisely how and why your flaws and lack if understanding exist and would know it is NOT rebelliousness, rather, it is sincere doubt. A God of love would never punish sincerity, never punish you for being as you were created. And an all-knowing God would have absolutely no reason EVER to be wrathful. Such a God would have known from the beginning precisely what path your life would take, what choices and mistakes you would make, and why. ...as he made you.

Finally, if God is all-powerful and cares about your life, then such a God Would set you up for success, NOT lay traps to confuse and trip you up, only to punish you for eternity.

The entire Christain paradigm is therefore an impossible oxymoron. If the force that runs the cosmos has any unified consciousness, it is certainly up to such an all powerful entity to let you know it exists if it wants that from you. The fact is you only have PEOPLE telling you what to believe.

You laid out issues of concern about addiction and psychosis. Which are a whole added challenge. If you cannot trust your own perceptions to be accurate, then you certainly need all the more to be patient with yourself, accept that mistakes will always be some part of life, and that a forgiving sense of humor about the human condition helps us cope with a lot.

Rejecting religion does NOT mean you are never allowed to use moral/value principles that you might find in religious teachings. Some of those ideas are very good. But religion does NOT own those principles. It just claimed falsely to have invented them. Reject that religious authority bullshit. Remember, God is anything someone decides. It is metaphor. You can use or reject the term "God" as you like. You are not fighting God. You are fighting your very human religion's control tactics, it's lies and hypocrisy. God, if such a being exists, can surely take care of him/her-self. You are off the hook. ?

Atheism is no substitute for religion. It is just the lack of a belief in any form of a deity. It is a factual matter. One can be an atheist criminal or atheist politician or atheist anarchist or atheist anything.

I look at the world a bit differently than you — and did when I went through something like you are going through — years and years ago, for me. I naturally separate questions of fact and value, and accept that I must deal with facts no matter the inconvenience of those facts for my values. I adapt my values.

Which made it easier to get rid of ideas that I thought erroneous. No matter how useful some fictions are, some falsehoods can be, I let them go. Or have tried to.

Perhaps you could look at this as your first step into heroism, into courage. Steel yourself to accept reality is as it is.

As for your behavior, it is easier to change than others' behavior. And that's a question of values, of choices, of investment in attention and resources. And here is where philosophies of the ancients are interesting: Stoicism and Epicureanism in particular. Do not worry about what you cannot control. And be practical in your worries, not to disable your ability to make better choices, but to increase your ability to make better choices.

There is a growing literature on behavior modification that echoes the Hellenistic philosophers in their practicality when it comes to avoiding self-destructive patterned behavior (addictions). We are not left with what Gregory Bateson called "the theology of Alcoholics Anonymous." There are better, more effective ways to improve your life.

But I do not have problems with drinking or other drugs. So I'm not the best advice-giver in this regard. I just know that others have worked on this extensively.

1. there is a recovery group on here.....join it
2. Secular Buddhism is a good substitute....I still attend all my local Buddhist meeting because I love the people and the community ...and chanting, meditation, and yoga are good for the mind
3. Read, read, read, read....everything you can on Atheism and debunking religions

I think you need a multi level approach...

First and foremost...please continue get help for your addiction and mental health concerns. I’m not an expert but it seems that if you continue confront that you will find peace decide what is best for you.

Second, I would question as WHY you feel you need religion be a moral person. If the Bible did not expressly say “thou shalt not kill”....would you go out and murder people??? Most likely not. And let’s not forget that atheists make up an extremely small percentage of the prison population. So morals can be separated from religious texts. You just need find them within yourself.

Also, the reason I am an atheist. Trust your eyes and trust yourself. I originally left organized religion due hypocrisy and their greed. That led me explore the concept of “god” and I came the conclusion thru my own observation that god does not exist.

I hope you find yourself on this journey ( and it is a journey) and that you overcome your fears. Feel message me if you need talk

Good luck

I’d start with investigating the history of the idea of hell, this helped me a lot. Basically the early religions had an underworld where all souls went, and the idea of a place for punishment came along later. The ideas of the Christian hell were very much shaped by fiction such as Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy and the paintings of the likes of Hieronymous Bosch. Get a handle on the fact that hell is a human invention, and that it evolved over many years.

Then I’d look into comparative mythology. Christianity is a mythology like any other, and it originated in quite a limited geographical area. All over the world there are other mythologies and creation stories. So what makes one mythology more true than another? Are they not all man-made and therefore false?

Then I’d watch some YouTube video’s, the ‘four horsemen’ of atheism are fun, especially Dawkins and Hitchens. This might be a good place to begin:

If it helps, I was raised without god and am not any of those things you were raised to think about me. I'm good without god. I say that I am agnostic with strong atheist leanings. Who am I to say definitively there is no god? However, I see no evidence of one. But if there is one, I truly believe that I would not go to hell because I am a good person. What kind of shitbag sends people to hell for the crime of being born into a religion that's not the "right" one? That doesn't sound like a loving god to me.

The thing that has helped me the most is studying the ways of science. Not just the products of science, but the ways scientists think. It’s hard to give something up when there’s nothing to replace it, but understanding the basic philosophy behind science, and particularly evolution, will gradually displace the need for religious literalism. And don’t be in too big of a hurry. It takes time.
Best wishes.