Understandable. Is it hard on you to keep those defenses in place?

@skye724 sometimes. But it also helps me to keep moving forward and try to avoid going backwards. Hurt me once, shame on you. hurt me twice, shame on me.

@skye724 and I should add that I don't let the grudge rule me, give me drama, or weigh me down, I simply use it to determine my relationship with the offender.

Anger expressed beats anger repressed any day. Sounds like you're pretty healthy to me.

That doesn't sound like a grudge to me. It sounds like you got fucked over and you're having a common sense reaction. To me, a grudge is when you deliberately punish someone in a personal relationship. What you're doing sounds pretty common sense to me.

There seems to be collateral damage to the people around the grudge holder - but as you can see from the comments here, grudges seem to make some people proud of themselves. This is so interesting to me.

My sister doesn't speak to meas well. I don't wish her harm either. But I also am glad she finally chose to cut ties because our relationship was very toxic. Do I hold a grudge? Not in the sense that I hold anger in my heart. I just don't want her back in my life.

Thanks.

@Hihi i love these people who say, "oh but thats your sister. She's blood. You should forgive her."

I always respond, "why should I accept gross abuse from some who is supposed to love me? I don't accept even half this level of abuse from a supposed friend or a stranger for that matter, so why should I just take it from a family member?" They cannot give a good answer.

@SallyInStitches Do your sisters feel the same way about you? Are these grudges reciprocal? And here's what I believe: No one has a right to tell you whom to forgive. That's entirely up to you. Forgiveness is a deeply personal act.

@skye724 one sister, The Martyr, prays for my heathen soul to come "back to the fold", all the while criticizing my life & career choices, my parentung skills, etc. The other sister lost everything due to bad decisions & awful, untreated depression. She is abusive because i won't let her move into my home & allow her to dictate what happens here & run my life into the ground. I'm the youngest so I guess they feel I don't show enough deference. Oh well.

@SallyInStitches Family pain is the most gruelling, isn't it?

So you think grudges truly help you feel better? If they do, then I understand the strategy, I guess.

@skye724 I was in a longterm abuse relationship. The level of verbal and physical abuse was cruel at least. No one has a right to treat another that way. Yes, some people deserve to have grudges because at that point they can never forgive that person for what they did. When the relationship began I joked we were "Beauty and the Beast. By the end I wasn't joking when I said "Beauty was the Beast. I want nothing to do with that person ever again and the grudge runs deep.

@RoadGlider I can relate. I was sexually abused as a child from the time I was 4 years old by a family member. When I confronted that family member after 8 years of therapy, he laughed at me. I offered to go to therapy with him. He thought it was a joke. He was an evil lizard. But here's the thing: although I never interacted with him again, I forgave him. It was such a relief. I could even see how he became what he was. I don't believe what he did was right - but that's not the essence of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift I gave myself, to rid myself of him completely. If I kept hating him, he got the right to live inside me, rent free, for the rest of my life.

That's why grudges are interesting to me. I've rejected them, but the more I read, the comments here, the more I realize that for some very smart people, grudges are a strategy that seem to work. They just didn't work for me.

@skye724 I can forgive. This grudge doesn't make me hate. Im at peace with it since it was well earned on her part. I've learned my grudge has kept her in check since then. I've been around her since, for my daughter graduation and other stuff but never talked to her, only her family. She became a chronic liar to her family trying to hide it all. While there I set her family straight on what happened. She had her family fighting each other because some knew what happened and she tried to discredit them, her own family, by making them seem like liars. Now they know the truth and she has been discredited. This grudge is my way of saying you don't even deserve to know me and what you did to me, and my kids, and the lies you told your family to hide your abusive ways can never be forgiven. Hmmm, I should have done something early on but my love for her betrayed me. I should have had her arrested but I lied to protect her. Even after she stabbed me on 2 separate occasions I could not. I knew it was a combination of mental illnesses that was the cause but she refused to get help and I felt helpless. I've been fine emotionally, it just made life very miserable then.

One of the most interesting pieces of sportscasting I hear when I watch NFL games is the idea that the best quarterbacks have amnesia. When they make a mistake, they forget it instantly, because holding on to negative memories impairs their game. Sounds right to me.

Letting go DOESNT have to be forgiveness... I'm not setting myself up for a repeat

@Will-I-AM Yeah, it doesn't. I won't let it happen again, but holding on to my anger doesn't help me. I've learned that from already doing it way too much for way too long.

Sounds like this...