Many of us have gone through early stages of our childhood and early adult life letting ourselves be defined by others -- by our parents, our teachers, our surrounding community, (A few were fortunate enough to have real role models or people who could provide us with images of the possible.). The rest of us were known as the child of X, the husband of Y, or the wife of Z.
Of our group, most of us went through a crisis episode which made us realize that we did know who we really were, wanted to be, or could be. On my own in college, I drifted along without a sense of direction or purpose
In my senior year I had problems with a girl friend, dropped out, and volunteered for the military draft. It was in the Army -- with its massive emphasis on "don't think; just do as you are told", uniformity, and conformity that I finally realized that I had let others define me up until then, and that I decided that I would be the definer of myself and of my purpose and direction. And, I did, successfully. Actually, the experience of learning how to stand up to authority successfully, to resist with purpose, and to assert myself while in the Army helped a great deal.
Anyone else have such a moment of crisis of self definition and wish to share?
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Getting out of my marriage was amazingly cathartic. Everything I did was defined by my relationship to him. He passive-agressively controlled most of my waking life. Now, though? I realize I get to write my life story. And I can choose to be the heroine. I only regret that it took me so long to realize it.
Nottheonlyone
Level 7
Aug 13, 2018
2
Mine was a gradual process...almost like peeling an onion! I would find out that an ex expected me to be...what I never was. Jobs, where I was expected to ‘sell out’ and I discovered that was against my nature! I made some really hard choices that cut me to the bone...but not to, was against my nature! I left religion, because it went against my nature (took the shaming and kept on going). But, I am now my unashamed ‘for real’ person and feel the best that I have ever felt!
Freedompath
Level 9
Aug 13, 2018
1
It does feel good to assert one's freedom.
We are all glad that we did.
I was taught to respect my elders , and there's nothing wrong with that per se' . But there is a point at which , when the elder is all about herself and there is no room for me in my marriage , that I had to leave . I became me after , I got out on my own .
Cast1es
Level 9
Aug 12, 2018
1
Walt, the only reason I'm responding to this is because YOU asked.
I grew up in a very violent and dysfunctional household.
I'd gotten beaten regularly, and was constantly told that I was worthless, and
wouldn't live to see 30. There was other stuff, but there isn't any need to expound upon any of it. (It was bad, and it's over. I did my time in therapy.)
Once I escaped that particular prison, I spent the next couple of decades going from one toxic relationship to another, always believing I deserved what I was
getting and that somehow, I always brought it on myself.
I didn't start to figure it all out until I was nearly 40.
By the time I hit 50, I was all outta fucks. I no longer care what anyone thinks of me, and I do not live my life to please anyone anymore.
None of that means that I am not a terrific person, because I really am.
I just have no more tolerance for bullshit or anyone who tries to bring me down.
I show kindness to as many people as possible, unless I have reason not to.
If I love you, there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you.
If you betray me by lying to me or hurting someone I care about, I will cut you off at the knees, with no remorse.
If you harm a child or an animal in my presence, I will end you. Also with no remorse.
KKGator
Level 9
Aug 12, 2018
4
Thank you for sharing. Some of our lessons are hard. I am glad that you had the will to survive and prosper.
@KKGator, I'd love to know how to run out of fucks. I'll take any advice you've got!
@Nottheonlyone It's actually a conscious decision and takes constant effort. After a while, it's becomes part of you and you don't even have to think about it anymore. It's like any other habit, it takes time and repetition. However, it CAN be done. You just have to make up your mind to do it.
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