When I heard through my kid that her Dad was calling me a liar, I just said I was sorry to hear that, then asked her if that sounded true to her. She said, well, no. I said do you feel that I lie to you? And she said no. So I said that her Dad was very upset and had a lot of problems and sometimes he says things to lash out at the world. But he loves you and I love you. You can come talk to me about anything. And left it at that. (While being so angry at him I could have ripped his head off with my bare hands.) But my kid was 12 when we left him, and by that point she had seen through his bull and was already skeptical about what he'd say, so it was easy to rely on her own independant thought on what was true and what was said in anger. When she spends more than a weekend with him she still comes back a slightly different-more defensive, and more clingy-child than she left. It takes a few days for her to calm down into the great kid she is. Sigh.

I don't know how it works there.. but in Canada (in most cases) we are required to take a divorce parenting course..
It's super basic but obviously needed.. when of the things they stress is that when parents bash the other parent they are actually hurting the kids as the children identify with their parents..
Maybe find this information and send it to the father..
Document EVERYTHING .. if things go really bad you will need this info.. dates.. what you were told. Write it down while its fresh in your mind (just in case)

Good news to report, thankfully the kids are a lot more resilient than we as parents think. I attempted to protect the kids as much as I could, but she was horrible. Luckily they have lived with me for the past 8 years and they have turned out wonderfully. So try to relax and not let your ex get to you. The kids know what it going on, and they will be okay. Just be there for them when they are with you. If you let what they tell you upset you, it ruins your time with them.

You know that's one shity thing that I see parents do when they're getting a divorce they try to use their kids like a weapon cuz they think they're hurting the other person but really they're just hurting the children

Good luck. I don't know what else to say.

The dumbest thing your ex can do is say bad things to your son about you. Backfires every time. My Dad tried the same thing when I was a kid. I still remember my Dad only paying $25 per week for me, and telling me my Mom was spending the money going out with her girlfriends. He should have payed $125 based on his income. I grew up like a pauper. He wouldn't even put me on his health insurance and it would have been free for him to do so. . Now he sits alone in his basement with his Bible and none of his 3 grown sons (2 with a second wife) want to have anything to do with him.

I don't know ANYBODY who's ever gone through a completely civil divorce. I had to wait months to hear accusations promoted by my ex via my dad or brother, in whom she was able to find sympathetic ears. News from the kids was always an eye opener. It's been over 20 years and my sentiments have yet to change.

That sucks. I agree with the suggestion to monitor your own reactivity. Also, you might show your song a rough accounting of where the money comes from
and where it goes. It’s good for kids to learn why we parents need to say No to some much-desired expenses. And he may learn, in the process, the value of earning and saving his own money.

It's tough, my ex and I have huge mistrust, hers is perceived mine is actual but that aside, the only thing I can suggest is that when we separated, it was as a result of me being the victim of domestic abuse, I sought some support from a helpline. The lady I spoke to, when discussing how she (my ex) was able to push all the right buttons for me to get angry, simply said 'You are not a robot, you do not have to respond when a button is pushed' and I've carted that round with me. She still does get on my tits with her attitude etc but I've been able to hold onto my robots. Hang on