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People who believe that it's only cheating if you get caught probably don't even realize that they're involved in two meaningless relationships.

By Duke8
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Yes, but it's only meaningless on the cheaters side, if it were meaningful, s/he wouldn't cheat, right? (At least that's the way I see it from the perspective of the cheated.)

The cheated usually think they are in a meaningful relationship, otherwise they wouldn't feel betrayed if/when they find out about the stepping out.

If it is a meaningless relationship, then there is no betrayal, so it's not cheating. It's just the way it is, take it or leave it. You only get part of a person, and that's all, even if you are giving all of yourself to the other. This is where honesty is important.

It's a choice to accept that. But if the cheater isn't honest about it - purposely not admitting s/he's stepping out - then yes that is cheating. Honesty solves the problem.

Julie808 Level 7 Oct 2, 2018

Wow, Duke. Not sarcastic or funny, a new side of you. Very insightful.


Who would want to give up their integrity for life? Oh yeah... I know who....?

SukiSue Level 8 Oct 2, 2018

No, it's only known cheating if you're caught. It's still cheating though, because you still made a commitment and you are still acting without integrity -- whether or not anyone but you knows that. Of course in the case of cheating, generally the person you're cheating with knows it too.

A thing is wrong if it harms or endangers yourself or (especially) others; it's right by default if it doesn't. "Cheating" is welshing on an explicit agreement with another person, so it inherently diminishes you, your credibility, etc. It also exposes the person you're cheating on to STDs, and often involves leading on the person you're cheating with that they will have something more than a surreptitious assignation, at least eventually. If you have children it threatens the stability of the family unit they rely on to keep them safe and nurtured.

I don't know that a cheater is "involved in two meaningless relationships". It's even possible that the surreptitious relationship IS the "more meaningful" of the two. The problem is cowardice and dishonesty, and sometimes laziness -- not failure to find meaning. If you're unhappy, don't cheat, end your current relationship or try to renegotiate it to be open. If you're too conflicted to do that, then you have to sit with that decision and your integrity has to give you the strength to do without whatever you're not getting from the relationship.

mordant Level 8 Oct 2, 2018

It's also a soul killer. For both parties. ? ... And sometimes one party gives it their all....


They always think they will get away with it, and maybe some of them do. They must really like living a lie, and probably the thrill of “getting away with it” is what they like most. It probably makes them feel clever in a perverse way that they are deceiving their partner, but they must be really hollow inside and are really deceiving themselves.

My ex got away with it for Years.. screwing.friends, relatives, anything not nailed down...funny how nobody could mention it (in this time of Horrible STD's!) until after I found out on my own...then they were all "chatty cathy" to let me know how they had been "in the know". I no longer see those people.......

@AnneWimsey Sorry to hear that tale Anne....better off without him and the so called friends.

@AnneWimsey yup. My ex actually brought this girl to a show and introduced me to her before I caught him. ? Of course they split up after I left him when I found out and the, " Thrill of the chase" was over for her. ... And him I imagine....

@Marionville yes indeedy...control of the remote, plenty of alimony for life, hordes of new Actual friends, 2 cute little rescue dogs, new car, etc etc, and a lovely boyfriend to, who loves to dance! I have Never been happier! In factv 2 years ago I sent him a letter telling him how happy he had made me by going away!

@AnneWimsey Good for you...Id love to have seen his face when he read that! ?

@Marionville. I wrote it for me, but yeah, that would have been fun!


And I always say that the other person knows what will eventually happen to them is what they are doing if they are similarly "not cheating".

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