Thank you for your courage and bravery. The stigma of shame and secrecy cannot be broken without survivors like you speaking out. You are absolutely correct about speaking to heal and the more you tell your story the less shame you will feel.

Be aware that speaking to groups will get you much positive feedback but there will always be a "small" percentage that will judge harshly (that's pretty much standard for any subject of importance). Know that speaking is the right choice for you and for all those who are in need.

Your voice, your story, as well as the early, signs of abuse are not just needed and important to those who are living with abuse, it is vital to all who may be in the beginnings of a potentially abusive relationship.

I admire your courage and your willingness to share your story with us. May we all show you the respect and consideration you deserve.

I like your approach. Slow, careful, step by step. Looks to me like you've got the ingrediants, you got the bowl, and all you need to do is mix it up and bake that cake. at low heat for about 7 years,

although i was never physically abused in adulthood, i have up to recent years been emotionally and mentally abused.
its exceedingly difficult for me at this point to trust a significant other, i'm still working thru some of my issues.
when it was at the worst i thought it was me that was the problem, the defect. it took me years to not only admit to my self but to others that i didn't do anything wrong, i still have to remind myself sometimes that its ok.
i had to recreate myself and my way of thinking
i created a support system, people who are good for me.
i did a lot of self grounding, i reminded myself of where i was who i was with and what was happening around me.
im currently working on self worth and what that means to me.
the one thing that got me thru it all was opening up about it...
i can freely talk about my past and it doesnt ruin my day anymore... and cry.. crying helps..

My father was a wife beater and child basher, I have young female friends who have been sexually abused. People suck. The victims are not at fault and there are no valid excuses for abusers to behave as they do. Best thing is you are out of that relationship. We all deal with things differently, we all heal to different extents. My own situation I have come to think of as similar to being born with a disability, I had no choice in the matter, it sux, but I can't change it and have to live with it. I am out of it now, have been for almost 45 years, but things linger. Don't let anyone ANYONE!!!! tell you how you should feel. You don't now me and I wouldn't expect that you would want to discuss it with me, though if you do that is fine, but, feel free to ask anything, my foster sons' father was all kinds of abusive to the boys mother and we have had long discussions. I don't forgive.

it's not your fault. it's like someone kicking a dog and blaming the dog.

I grew up watching my Mom being abused by my Dad..that was horrendous as a child..I can't fathom how much physical and, most importantly, emotional pain you, and my Mom must bare.
Thank you for wanting to share that journey with us...and in trusting us with it..

I hear you. i have been somewhere nearby. thank you from the bottom of my heart @WickedNicki. An uncomfortable truth indeed.

You go girl

I'm so sorry!
With men, you have to have strong boundaries, ready to ditch the relationship at the first sign of trouble.

If they show any disrespect be ready to suddenly be too busy, have other plans, or if you made the mistake of moving in with him, that you found another place, or this isn't working out.

I'm so masculine that I lack the typical cis female instinct to manage men, making excuses when my sig others mess up, like males do with their girlfriends, finding reasons to stay with them, etc.

Typical females don't "fall in love"-that's males. They aren't put in danger by falling in love with females and being besotted with them, but females with male instincts who fall in love and blindly excuse scary behavior are likely to be abused or taken advantage of.

Most females will toss a man's stuff onto the lawn and change the locks if he cheats, or disrespects her.
Masculine women often act like males and cry, hang on, plead with him, etc., the way men do when girls leave them.

That was definitely my case-after I dumped them for abuse, they'd move on to a "real" female who could effortlessly manage them, and soon had the formerly abusive men jumping through hoops for her.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that

WNick,

You are already showing your incredible courage. I am so happy everyone here has been supportive. As you probably know, the web is filled with people who have hate to spew.

This is your journey. If you believe sharing will help, there are so many people here that will listen and give encouragement.

Sending a mental hug. ((( )))
Believe in yourself. Believe in humanity.

I wish you the very best and may you Never Ever Again re-live the experience. Talking about it is good in many ways... I went thru the experience of almost being murdered so I lost the fear of death in many ways. I had the thought of Next time I will take somebody with me... plain and simple.... but I overcame that urge for instant retribution. To retake back what I thought lost forever. I am back to be that life loving individual that goes about the world without hate because recognizes that hate is nothing but poison. I never talked about for over 20 years. And one day my elder, a 3 yr child back then... during dinner of the family in a restaurant, (ex wife present) recalled as a child... "daddy was brought back naked by the police once." Me and the ex exchanged looks but I was ready and dealt with it... I knew it was passed by me and will never again affect me. My situation is not like yours because is only one memory while you have a collection of memories. Just don't let Anyone Ever Take Away from You Who You Really Are. Don't give No One that Satisfaction.

Hi Nicki, Well I am pleased to see that you have broken out of your abusive relationship. You have done the right thing by discussing your trauma on this site, as there are many folk who have had the same problems as you, and many ladies and gentlemen will support you, so let it all out.
It would be a terrible injustice for you to paint all men with the same brush as the bastard you have escaped from. Whether you have yet, or are about to meet another man who would love and respect you, don't give up, as there are many worthy men out there who would give you the contentment and happiness that you so richly deserve.

Brene Brown

I commend your strength on walking away from a mentally and physically abusive relationship. My sister was murdered in 1997 whilst in her abuse relationship. We as a family suffered too I had terrible nightmares as she was in fear of leaving him and it went on for 9 years. At that time the UK law meant that the authorities hands were tied so to speak. If she had pressed charges he would have got a prison sentence but it was seen at that time police did not intervene in domestic violence cases. I am an advocate for abuse survivors this has helped me cope with the horrific events that sadly happened to my sister.

Hi and congratulations for getting out of that horrible situation. You just have to remember that it's your experience and it belongs to you. You share it whenever you feel like it with whomever you feel comfortable with. You can't change what happened but you can learn from it...and you're totally right: You're not a victim, you're a survivor and it takes courage to walk out of that. Kudos to you!!!

I don't really have anything helpful to say but... I'm touched by your post. It's amazing that after what you have been through you are still aware of how talking of your experiences might impact on others. You're right some people will not be ready to hear your story but others will thank you for sharing. From what you've written I think you'll be able to judge the when and how
Thank you for sharing x

Here I will just say me too. I got a letter from one of the universities I attended asking me to recall the words or actions of one of my mentors and send them money. I have held onto that for a year thinking of how I will respond to it as I still suffer repercussions from my experience there that in classic fashion was covered and condoned by the system there. courage

It is cliche, but I do believe in the kindness of strangers. It is often more dependable than the kindness of friends or family.

I guess the most appropriate response I can make is from my own experience. Always remind yourself that it's never a straight line of progress. You will fall, you will get detoured and sometimes you even get knocked back almost to the beginning. The end of 27+year marriage/relationship has put me in a place I thought was long gone. I find myself exhibiting behavior I had worked through and changed decades ago. But with the help of others (some included on this site), my 12-step group, therapists and self-work I feel like I'm back on the path. Every day that you wake up is an opportunity to get better. If you find a good therapist that really seems to help use the fuck out of them! Same thing if a therapist is not helping: find a different one. A good therapist is hard to find. I know what you're going through was because of a relationship with a man but feel free to message me if you feel it appropriate. You can always check out myself or any of the other commenters' posts and comments to see who you might think sympatico. I hope some of this helped. With you in the struggle.

Yeah, physical abuse is indefensible. More so mental abuse.

Good that you got out. It's always gets better from there.