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I'm having a hard time understanding how people can be so different when meeting in person than they are when communicating via devices. It's like Jeckyl and Hyde. If that is normal, I guess I'm abnormal.

nvrnuff 8 Oct 25
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13 comments

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1

I’m not sure if this directly relates to your post, but I’ve sometimes found that great chemistry online doesn’t always translate in person. And vise versa. I’ve been kind of “meh” towards some guys, but meet them in person and am dazzled.

1

I'm in a community that associates online, on phone, in person.
There are wordsmiths that are very HARD to have a conversation with on the phone!
I had a convo with a very worthwhile individual and I swear I hope to never speak to her again although she is a wonderful person. LOL (we were on the phone FIVE HOURS, she wasn't reading cues and it was exceedingly difficult to end the conversation)

My own late dh spoke differently than he wrote. I think I come off completely different in phone conversations, online, vs in person, just based off my perception of how things go IRL vs media.

You can never know what someone is really like until you meet & spend time with them. That is fact based on my experience in dog world, having met a lot of people I just spoke with online or on the phone.

I truly think it is the rare person who has continuity between all the means of communication.

I guess that makes me rare then.

@nvrnuff Hard to be objective unless others could confirm that for you.

@Qualia I'm the same here, or anywhere else.

@nvrnuff lt is not about what is in your head, it is about perception by other people. I can be funnier in person than l can in print. I can be funny on the phone, but without facial expressions and body language, it still isn't the same. I have had people take something wrong because it came across different in black and white than in my head. This is not a natural form of communication.

@Sticks48 All about articulation

@nvrnuff It is easy to be funny in print if you are telling a story. It is much more difficult in this format. This is the reason for "lol" and emojis. When you have to point out that it is funny, then it ain't funny. You could say the same thing in person or even on the phone and it would be funny.

@Sticks48 Well, my post wasn't so much about nuances, more about complete personality changes.

@nvrnuff l have a very difficult time figuring out personalities in print. People here can be whomever they want in print. I am sure you have met someone IRL you liked, but at some point, the real them came out, and they weren't what you expected. Maybe with places like this we have an expectation of someone based on what we read in their comments or even PM, which is only normal, and it turns out we were wrong or they mislead.

@Sticks48 My late dh's best friend had a pretty caustic personality. He was above everything sitting on his perch of perfection looking down on the world... we all spent many a Sunday together around a fire shooting the breeze... one day he sent me a friend req on FB. He reads WAY WORSE in print, to the point I saw another side of him and finally one day I'd had enough and did some house cleaning....he's been single forever imagine that.

1

Some really good comments on this issue. I would add only that we consider in the absence of vocal inflection, body language, etc. We have to realize perception. Just as the human brain is programmed to seek out facial features in most everything it looks at, we fill in missing blanks with our own desirable (or not) characteristics Making our impression skewed. When met face to face we are surprised to find those blanks our minds filled in for us are incorrect.

True, but I was more referring to complete personality changes.

6

Many men do good phone. But when we meet, I discover they have no sense of humor, are oddly withdrawn, or have poor conversational skills.

Studies show 82% of people post old photos and lie about their age, weight, activities, marital status or height on their online dating profiles.

I have reached the point that I am surprised when a man looks like his photos.

That (82%) is far worse than I would have guessed. 😮

@stinkeye_a

It's appalling. Here's what usually happens:

I arrive early at a restaurant, dressed nicely to honor the occasion. "Kathleen!" I hear. Turning, I recognize no one.

My "hot date" has suddenly aged 10 years, lost all his hair, and gained 50 lbs. As if I wouldn't notice.

What are they thinking? Their sparkling personality and irresistible sexual heat will cause me to overlook the fact that they are a liar? No.

@LiterateHiker that is some serious disconnect from reality stuff. If that were me I'd take it personally, as an insult to my intelligence, perception, moral sensibility...

That applies to women as well.

@stinkeye_a without a doubt.

3

I experienced this when on live dating sites before I met my late partner. One woman was totally different from her bio. She told me she had used the club and met her husband. After over 10 years of marriage he died so she just resubmitted the original paperwork. Do people think others won't notice. Honesty is absolutely necessary because you will eventually be held accountable.

3

I'm normally a little reserved when first meeting someone irl. No matter how much you talk online, people will always put their best foot forward and they don't understand that in a face to face, when the reality hits, that it's a little creepy...

@VictoriaNotes true. Online bullying. I understand. The context of the op seems to be relationships.. Not bullying

@VictoriaNotes Victoria, I know and understand this happens but am having trouble understanding how people can be so deceitful especially when trying to establish a possible friendship. I know there are trolls who like to stir up trouble even here. Maybe I'm being naive.

@VictoriaNotes oh yes. I see what you meant..

they do, but what I don't get is why. Seems like too much work to me.

3

My roommate and I are precisely the same as we are here - same people.
Not at all surprised.

I suppose some people fake who they are everywhere they go. It's never appealed to me.

2

For many of the reasons already mentioned here, it is hard to ever truly know someone by just messages and phone calls, whether because of our own assumptions or the transfer of their personality from real life to digital.

I am a lot more quiet and aloof in person until I get to know you than I am in the digital realm. I'd have to know you for at least a year online and already feel extremely comfortable with you before I'd probably seem like the same person you talked to online. I am always honest about this and everything else about me, though, so it shouldn't come as a surprise upon meeting me.

Username checks out 😉

1

Depends how well you know someone through phone and computer.

3

People are able to be less guarded when they’re protected by a keyboard. I, myself am much quieter and somewhat shy in person.

5

Some of it may be unconscious and/or unintentional, because online communication doesn't capture non-verbals (which make up anywhere from 77-90some% of communication), aspects of personality may be amplified, suppressed, distorted, or otherwise filtered OL versus IRL--quite naturally and innocently, just by virtue of the mechanics of it (for example I know I must come off as far more verbal--and therefore outgoing--OL, where I have less social anxiety, time and space to plan what I'm going to say, and my written communication skills can shine...as opposed to IRL where I am inhibited by significant social anxiety, say very little, avoid eye contact, etc.).

Also, in the absence of non-verbals, it's extremely easy--inevitable, even--for those on the receiving end of OL comm to interpret things in a distorted way (like tone, or lack of it).

And, or course, there's selectivity of presentation: people take advantage of the opportunity, OL, to put forth the best version of themselves.

I absolutely love this reply!

@Cutiebeauty eh, thx, but I have to say I think @VictoriaNotes is the really knowledgeable one in this (or any, really) thread. I feel like a poser next to her. 😛

@stinkeye_a it's pretty much the same response, but I read yours first 😉

2

Right brain,left brain? I dunno.

2

That hasn't been my experience. But I've only met a handful of people in person.

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