A wonderful person died yesterday, a lot has changed in me since my last loved one was mourned.

At around age 16, I mourned the death of the woman who raised me for many years and still take time to remember her regularly.

I mourned my grandmother as dead before she actually died, her dementia made her death come off as a release rather than a tragedy.

Now, a woman whom my father married a few years ago is also dead. I avoided talking to her of late as I have nothing good going on in my life and felt that talking to her would only affect her negatively and I knew her health was down and did not want that, I only wanted her to recover.

I regarded her as too good for my father, she was too sweet and too smart to die as she did. What bothers me is that she dies and people see I am hurt over it and they keep on telling me what I deserve, how can the death of something make me deserve anything? It shouldn't matter how it effects me, someone who was too good for this fucked up world we live in has died and I don't have the power to replace the good that she represented, I can't even save my own stepson.

The fucked up thing is that I should have known that she was expecting to die when she talked about placing me in her will and now I fear that I have have contributed towards her suffering as the procedure she went through to try and extend her life wasn't an easy choice for her to make and I likely influenced her choosing to make it.

I don't deserve anything from her death, she didn't deserve to die, or to suffer.