Yeah I would if they were giving me any.

thanks for the comment, part of the trouble is I do understand what some of it is about which is very negative emotions but to be able to work through them is something I am not sure I am in a position to do, it sounds a bit over dramatic but in some ways I think it is a form of PTSD and the people who I would need to confront about it just wouldn't communicate or admit they have done anything wrong (I knoe because when I was in the middle of my breakdown I layed it flat on the line and that was the last time I communicated with my mother, it's been a couple of years now) so I get the putting it in to your life bit but the "how" of that is something that, much as I hate to ever admit not having an answer, I don't have an answer to!

@heatherUNS a therapist could help for sure. You do not necessarily need to confront the people who have harmed you. But, you do need to get clear in your own mind, how you were violated and HOW it HURT. This is very hard work, I have to admit! And, it can feel like you will be overtaken in the process, but you want! It is just plain hard emotional work...the hardest thing that I have ever had to do! Just a few people who care about you, can be good support, and they do not need to understand your whole process! They just need to accept you for who you are. Your process just needs to be faced slowly and deliberately and in due time, you will come out on the other side of the hurt! And, it is always ok, to scream for it to end! But, the life that awaits you at the other end it so much more than you can ever imagine now! May be like the falcon rising out of the ashes! There is no need to fear...your fear! Fear needs to be channeled to support and serve us! See it as building a better foundation...one brick at a time, assembled properly! A foundation that will support that structure for as long as you live and beyond... my heart goes out to you! And, even in the middle of the (very hard) work,’ find some things that bring joy to your heart!

@heatherUNS I forgot one thing that I incorporated into my life that helped me hang on...I kept a journal (it needs to be 3 pages @time), many times I had to write until my wayward mind found peace! When we get thoughts out of our head and they can be seen...we get more ideas on what we may be experiencing! Like another angle, that we had not thought of. And, it may have something to do with using our hands to get words...outside our body. But, I found that it helped with my healing, process.

I do listen to what I call "boreyoumentaries" or to explain, documentaries that are just interesting enough to occupy me but not so interesting that I real attention, music I can't really use, I used to be a musician so my brain goes in to analytical mode or just gets agitated because I wouldn't do it that way, but the dreams come anyway and on some occasions will actually incorporate parts of what I have fallen asleep to, glad it works for you and thanks for the comment.

I need white noise to sleep but your use of barely audible music sounds intriguing & I might try it.

*note to self maybe start smoking pot" I guess you are luckier than me then, maybe you have a much more positive outlook on life, what mainly springs to mind right now is in my dreams there was one wonderful night probably about 6 months ago where I was in a bombed out area post blast pulling shards of glass out of my arms and trying to find my kids, it's still real and of course I know it's not true, it's almost impossible to talk about to anyone, it's like waving the freak flag or you don't get the reaction you need which isn't "oh that's terrible" mean who needs to hear that, so thanks for the input it's nice to know that other people experience it (a while ago one of my less nasty dreams involved me waking up convinced I hadn't paid the road tax on a vehicle I haven't owned for 20 years)