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As an adult how can you develop a sense of belonging? What do you do to integrate in society when you have moved abroad and all your friends and family are back home?
Do you ever feel like an outsider in your own homeland?

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ABack 6 Nov 29
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0

I never feel like that, and generally make friends where ever, also happy in my own skin and my own company, although always good to have that someone special.

1

Even though I've lived in the same house and/or part of the world for most of my life, I've very much felt like an outsider. The paragraph in the link that starts with "The child who is rejected by a parent because the emotional nature of the child, as it resonates to that parent, echoes the same emotional nature that the parent had rejected in themselves" very much resonates with me. I was a very sensitive child, and as I understand now in hindsight, it unnerved my parents because of them had grown up learning to see sensitivity as a weakness to be rejected. I learned very young not to trust anyone, and as a result took me years to learn how to like myself and feel comfortable around other people... I know my parents did the best they could with what they knew. I just wish sometimes they knew more.

1

I've been in the UK for 6 years and I've not really made any friends.
I'm alone most of the time.
And all my life, I've struggled to fit integrate in anywhere.
I guess it helps if you force yourself to regularly attend meetings or gatherings of small societies AND actually participate, but omfg it can be so hard!

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ive never really fitted in

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I began my adult life in the Navy and moved around ALOT in those years. I always found a sense of belonging with the people in my squadron. I was closer to a few than most, but in many ways I developed a family-like bond with almost everyone in my squadron mainly because of shared experiences and hardships endured during those times. I certainly missed my family and friends back home but I never really felt out of place. Everyone was so supportive and had everyone’s back. Even if you didn’t really like each other or get along all the time(and you certainly didn’t), there was still this sense of kinship that seemed to transcend all the differences you may have otherwise. I assume because you had to rely on each other anyway.

I do not think I have found this kind of situation outside of the military, mainly because those similar conditions do not exist outside of these kinds of contexts. But I still find friends with similar interests and try to socialize enough to not feel like an outsider. The closest I may have felt to an outsider was readjusting to civilian life after being in the military. It felt really foreign to me, but I eventually found purpose and the feeling slowly faded away.

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If I knew I would tell you. Unfortunately when you think deep not a lot of people can relate.

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I agree that can be harder to make friends as an adult; back in school days you were forced to spend all your time with your peers, you inevitably form friendships. Once that imposed sense of community is gone, it's harder to find out in the world at large. Left to our own devices, us introverts don't just naturally integrate ourselves into the community.

After a recent breakup, I moved to a small town for work where I knew no one. It was tough to find people my age, and I felt alone. Any group I wanted to join seemed to be all middle-aged and retired people. Not that they aren't lovely people, but I wanted to meet people at the same stage of life as me who I could relate to.

Eventually, I started a group on meetups.com for people my age in my area, starting with just board game nights and going on hikes. Being a 'social organiser' is something that's out of my normal comfort zone, but after a bit of a rocky start, I discovered people with similar interests who were in a similar situation to my own. It's helped me feel a sense of belonging.

Best of luck on the journey!

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I've spent the greater part of my adult life teaching in communities not of my own background or culture. When I taught on the Hopi Reservation in NE Arizona, I was 90 miles from the nearest city. I was the minority. As such. I was well aware that my employment depended upon learning and respecting the culture I found myself. There were others like myself, fish out of water. I found identity in learning as much as could about the culture I operated within. In response the hopi recognized my respect for them and opened their doors to me, greatly enriching my life. And this is but one station and but one of the cultures in which I've taught. Always the same results.

2

The world is my “homeland.” I’ve moved around a lot. I just start doing the things I enjoy, and soon usually meet others who like the same stuff. This leads to that and ... boom! You connect. This typically works for me, and I’m an INTROVERT!

Wow! That must be a great feeling!

@AdriaBack I’ve just learned to push myself - gently - and take a chance on throwing myself out there. I got tired of feeling stuck, I guess. Also: I think it’s easier as an adult. ?

@The-Krzyz That gave me some useful insight. Thank you!

@AdriaBack Good luck and have fun!

1

This feeling can be controlled. Volunteer work is a great outlet. It can be as simple as checking out a book of poetry from the library and reading it out loud in the community room of any nursing home or adult care facility. Acts of kindness make you feel good, make others feel better, and make you necessary.

Deb57 Level 8 Nov 29, 2018

Kindness is unfortunately taken for granted despite being such an important ingredient that connects people! I'm sure I'll have plenty of time to do volunteer work when I retire.

1

Well, with my band. In tango. I managed to build friendships. It's been 14 years in Dublin. I have now a great group of friends, that I can't compare with my old ones. Both are special for different reasons.

Good for you! I've always believed that making friends gets more difficult as you get older.

@AdriaBack, when you're reserved like me, now I'm even anti-social, it's quite harder.

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Great question ?
I am trying to figure it out as well.

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I don't know, but the more I hear from the masses I'm not sure we should.

We should only to the extent to make us content.

2

During much of my adult life I had a limited social life for various reasons largely beyond my control. In my first marriage my wife was mentally unwell and that isolated us. In my second marriage my wife ended up being physically unwell which is almost as limiting. After she died and I remarried yet again, I find myself with a lot more options but surprised myself by realizing my social needs are actually quite modest. I'm pretty introverted and enjoy my own company well enough and Other People can easily be as annoying as they are nice to be around. I felt deprived largely because I hadn't had the opportunity to figure these things out. Now that I have options I largely don't use them.

I'm not sure this will be helpful to you but you do note that you're an introvert, so I'm just saying, consider the possibility that you're actually quite normal given your personality and needs.

Also consider very modest involvements that feature simple, easy goals. I hang out with a few guys on Saturday mornings. We mostly play a few hands of cards and shoot the breeze. That generally takes care of me for the whole week. These guys (typically 4 others) are a mix of liberal and conservative, religious and areligious. But we don't put too much stress on each other, we don't debate politics or religion, we just play cards and eat snacks. It's the simple pleasures often that are the best. Sometimes, we care too hard and try to much and then feel inadequate. I've learned not to do that.

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