Your husband sounds like a great guy and so this will come as natural to him as eating. Just keep the conversation focused on the son e.g., what are you into?, how have you been?, how's school?, what books or movies do you like? and so on. I wouldn't bring up anything about myself or how I've been feeling not being allowed to visit or any of that emotional baggage stuff. If the child brings up something negative - I would steer the conversation away by saying "We can talk about that at another time but right now it's all about you and I'm eager to learn all about you". You get a kid to talk about themselves particularly about things they enjoy the most and the walls will come down. Here's the benefit - without conveying any kind of sentiment - the kid will get it - he/she will understand that you care about them by setting aside a window of time where it's all about them. I wasn't allowed to meet my real mother until I was 11 and I had to find her on top of that because my family wasn't telling me the truth. After a visit was arranged my first words to her were "I hope that you don't expect me to call you mom". She handled it with total class and it broke down my defenses. I suggest the same for your husband and I suspect that he'll do quite well.

Some of you may remember me from last summer as angry and bitter with a bunch of emotional issues. what Carin has told you is just scratching the surface. I"m currently on my way to Colorado Springs for divorce court on Wednesday. It's 1300 miles one way. hopefully the judge will order my soon to be ex to let me see my son. I appreciate all the kind words and advice. thank you all.

Spag84

It sounds crass, but I'd look at this like a rescue dog... maybe scared/scarred/incredibly shy, or even terrified. Key advice might be letting him make the first move, lots of personal space, very careful with the neutral body language (a smile and fast happy movements, may seem like aggression.).

I have to wonder why, the father doesn't have custody. If the ex wife is threatening to jump from a bridge, with the child, that would be enough for me. BTW, I am the father of a 20 year old on the spectrum, my advice take it slow, and do not say anything negative about his mom. Bring a few games with you, take him to the zoo, just get some one on one time with him. Good luck

Based on what you have said here, I would expect the boy to be fearful and perhaps even hostile.

I would urge you very strongly to NOT lose your temper or show irritation no matter what transpires.

If you played any board games or video games in the past, perhaps bring them so that there is not as much discomfort from just sitting there and trying to force conversation.

So many factors involved in this. Very good of you to be so supportive.

I know next to nothing about autism, but maybe starting with, "I want you to know I love you," and then sitting quietly and following the boy's lead. The non-verbal communication of a smile might go a long way. I'm also wondering if asking for a hug (edited to add "or a fist bump" ), if the boy wanted to, would be appropriate. No pressure, but rather just mention it to him how good it would make his father feel and leave it at that. Maybe just the request itself would mean something, particularly by establishing up front the boy's autonomy regarding that action.

I'm thinking there's no magic combination of words in this situation.