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Rough couple of days
Wednesday evening my back was spasmodic. Car accident a year ago still acts up on some days. Wednesday, it was pretty bad, seizing up on me. I couldn’t find a comfortable position. Couldn’t sleep at all. All night, I tried laying down, sitting, standing. Used a lot of ice packs. This led me to get maybe 45 min. to an hour sleep, total.

Thursday morning, I was officially up by 5 am, out the door by 5:35 for work. I train soft skills for,a health care company. I was training a pilot of a new class in the morning. A 4 hour class on patient and caregiver experiences and how we can better handle them in our Care Mgmt. team. This is a class I wrote and created, including all the slides, handouts, activities, everything, after consulting with the team requesting it. Hours of prep went into this.

The pilot ran great. The managers in attendance gave strong feedback on how important the topics were to cover and how nicely it was presented. I was pretty happy with the results myself. They never knew I was running on no sleep and still in quite a bit of pain. Adrenaline helped me through it.

I had a different training session to lead in the afternoon, with only a quick lunch break to eat and get set up. That was a session for supervisors on how to give constructive feedback/ disciplinary conversations to their direct reports who were being written up for some sort of violation. Tough topic to tackle and there were many questions to answer along the way. It still went great overall, with solid engagement by the participants.

By the time I got home, it was going on 7 pm. Long day and I was drained. A close to 2 hour commute home did not help my back at all. I had a cocktail or two to unwind and was hoping to collapse into much needed sleep.

That didn’t happen. Another restless night. I saw 1am on my clock. I remember seeing 2:15, 3am, 4am, 5am. I finally dozed for about 90 minutes around 5:30 or so. I had a short training session scheduled for lunchtime. The site administrator needed to cancel it and I was relieved. My brain felt foggy and focusing was a struggle. As much as I wanted to sleep, my back wouldn’t let me. I was able to answer some work issues through emails.

Quick trip to the grocery store in the afternoon with my daughter. Down one aisle, I saw a short, petite older women heading away from me. My mom was super short. 5’0” until she shrunk down to 4’11” when she got a bit older. She died almost 25 years ago. This woman in the aisle looked like my mom’s approximate size and shape. I wanted my daughter to see her because she never got to know her grandma. The woman disappeared before my daughter caught up to me. No big deal.

We finished up and headed to the car. I got in the driver’s side while my daughter loaded the bags in the trunk. I suddenly burst into tears. I completely broke down. My daughter asked what was wrong and I just blurted out , “I miss my mom so much.” I think the lack of sleep and pain left me in an extremely vulnerable state and seeing that woman just triggered me.

I couldn’t even drive. My daughter drove us home while I blubbered a bit more. I did doze for a few minutes on the couch, but I still need some solid slumber. Sleep is still elusive for me. I can’t function like this much longer. At least it’s the weekend. I will try to rest, even if I’m not fully unconscious.

Tinocca 7 Sep 27
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6 comments

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CBD is a viable option, but you may need a fair amount and it could get pricey. You should also consider cannabis oil. Yes, the THC will get you high, but if the problem is serious enough, you could take the oil for a week. Once you build up a tolerance to the psychoactive effect, the pain-relief and the anti-inflammatory effects are apparent. The cannabis may also help your appetite. If you're interested, I can help you get it.

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Do you have a massage therapist? Mine does wonders for me, at least temporarily, and sees me in emergencies...

I’ve had a couple massages, but they actually hurt my back, so I stopped getting them.

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Whenever I am not feeling well I miss my mom even more. I am so sorry you are having back pain. I have issues with my back as well. Between pain, no sleep and big projects no rest for the weary.

Exactly. Weary is a good term for it.

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All the stuff you’ll some day happily miss… Other than your daughter.. I make sure I’ve no pending public interactions before allowing myself to even think of my prior life, with daughters and home in the hills. When random thoughts take me there, I’ll most often fight them off.

Wish I could tell you life gets better, but responsibilities do lessen.. Hopefully, having proven yourself to yourself, you understand your capabilities, can draw on them when necessary, and seek balance otherwise. And enjoy that daughter ..miss mine, so much ~

Varn Level 8 Sep 28, 2019

I would love missing all the pain and frustration of not sleeping. I don't see that happening anytime soon though. I appreciate your story. Old thoughts can hit us like a train. These knocked me for a loop.

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I feel your pain with your mom... And your back too.

I had a moment the other day where a thought I had in 1989 just came back and hit me... And I felt very alone. My grandmother died in 1989 (Mom's mom) and I remembered at the time thinking, "Wow, now my mom is all alone! What will happen to me when my parents are gone?" That thought traveled through 30 years and just hit me all of a sudden. It was over powering!

For your back... Have you tried a Teeter Hang-Up? They are great for taking pressure off your back and helping with the pain. They take getting used to but can help tremendously.

I did have an inversion table to stretch it out. Helped a bit, but I didn't use it very often and it took up more space than I had for it.

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Are you unable to take any pain meds for this? Prescribed or even over the counter like tylenol or advil? If not, I have heard CBD oil can be helpful for chronic pin sufferers... perhaps a prescription for that would help.

I’m working on fixing some GI issues to allow me to take meds again. I’ve haven’t tried CBD oil yet, but I haven’t ruled it out as an option.

@Tinocca when I asked about it for insomnia I was told it was primarily prescribed for pain and the research is there for CBD oil helping with pain... I was told it can be placed on the tongue so I don't think swallowing is necessary or in a drink. I know my mother took it for a bit when she had cancer, though it made her nauseous and she stopped heh

@demifeministgal Well, I definitely have the pain, which contributes to the insomnia. I am exhausting other avenues first, before I try the CBD option. It does seem like everyone have their own experience with it and it affects each person differently.

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