The Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming An Atheist
June 20, 2015

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" The Top 10 Ways to Avoid Becoming An Atheist
June 20, 2015

10. Don't go to college. Book learnin' is for sinners.

9. If you do go to college, don't take an Introduction to Philosophy course. "I Kant believe you are asking me to prove the existence of my God."

8. If you do stumble and are the least bit skeptical at all, find yourself a good Bible believing church and get back to associating only with like-minded Christians right away. It may seem like an intellectually dishonest and insecure thing to do at first, but... yeah. You know what? It totally is.

7. Remember, God knows all and sees all, so if you have even the slightest doubt about your faith, he will find out and you'll burn for it. Which is kinda creepy, sadistic, and unnecessarily intrusive if you think about it. Sort of reminds me of Big Brother in George Orwell's 1984.

6. Always remember that the only reason people become atheists is because they want to sin. I mean it's not like when you become a Christian, you are automatically promised a reward up front for being credulous when you pray the salvation prayer and as a result are basically given carte blanche to do whatever you please because you will be forgiven for nearly anything and everything including (but not limited to) murder, rape, and theft. Because that'd be just crazy.

5. Don't believe the lies of "evilution." If we came from monkeys, why are there still monkeys? Am I right? Am I right? Checkmate, atheists.

4. Avoid the internet because the internet is where religion goes to die.

3. Never read the Bible in its entirety. You've successfully managed to avoid all the screwed up verses by cherry picking in Sunday school. Why start now?

2. Stay away from people who encourage you to "think for yourself."Judas thought for himself and he ended up getting Jesus killed. Well, technically, Jesus was meant to die for your sins and if Judas hadn't led the Romans to Jesus, prophecy wouldn't have been fulfilled and then God couldn't forgive you and we'd all still be sacrificing goats when we did something bad, but it's best not to think about that. Never mind, I said.

1. And last, but certainly not least (actually, most important of all), If you see Christopher Hitchens' book, God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything on a bookshelf at Barnes and Noble, leave it there. Curiosity killed the cat. But before that cat died, that cat became an atheist, and is now burning in Hell.