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What is it that makes a man love a woman?

Is it how she relates to him, is it how she speaks, or is it ultimately how she looks? Perhaps it's a combination of many things culminating with the larger percentage being appearance.

I once thought the fire inside a man would equal a woman's sexual appetite, and some do but most not so much. I could lie and say a man's looks had nothing to do with the love I have felt but upon honest reflection it does play a part. A small part but nonetheless it's there. If I were to breakdown my basis for love it would be different for each man. However, looks would play a small role in comparison to feelings.

Overall if I were to rate characteristics on a 100% scale:

10 looks
30 sexual chemistry
30 kindness
30 intellect

All three of the later factors portraying primary importance to me.

Where do the other factors play? The wealth? The health? The addictions?

Are those important? Surely they must weigh in on the scale.

Addict personality 0

-10 looks
-60 addiction
-30 intellect

An addict (alcoholic for my purposes of the tale) would surely suffer in his intellect and eventually looks. This making an addict 0, null and void.

What about a wealthy man? Would he be kind or a bully?

Often a type A male would be a bully and they get a big ZERO too.

Wealthy man 0 percent (The Trump)
-10 looks
-30 sexual chemistry
-30 bully takes away kindness
-30 intellect

Of course there will be a small percent who are not bullies. In which case the scale stands at 100. Alcoholics, and bullies ZERO. Most would probably be various shades of in-between.

Then there are the women and men who don't fit the mold.when that happens...the entire rating scale is null and void.


My Rating Scale

10 looks
30 sexual chemistry
30 kindness
30 intellect
Man Rating Scale

80 Looks and sexual chemistry
5 kindness
5 intellect

Of course more intellectual men probably have a different rating and on the bell curve would be in the top 5 percent.

So what defines someone you would love? Make makes them up? Can you rate love?

JustLuAnn 7 Jan 22

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For me, looks are what brings me to a woman.

After that initial attraction, intelligence and kindness are tied. I dgaf how much money she has, at all. I'm not rich and never will be. If she wants money I can point her to several corners in Camden where she can date for money.

What keeps me in a relationship is different. The attraction changes from primarily looks to how we communicate. So intelligence, sexual appetite and similar freakiness, kindness, and wanting to continue to grow goes a long way.

If I were to assign percentages it would be like this.

Initial attraction:
Looks (facial symmetry etc..) 50%
Body/apparent health 25%
How she treats people 25%

After a few talks and dates:
Looks/body 35%
Intelligence 30%
Kindness and demeanor (humor, etc..)35%

After a few sexual encounters:
Looks/body 25%
Intelligence 25%
Kindness/ demeanor 25%
Sexual compatibility 25%

5 years into a monogamous relationship:
Looks/ body 10%
Intelligence 15%
Kindness/demeanor 25%
Desire for sex (daily or multiple daily)35%
Self improvement and supporting my self improvement 15%
Desire for sex (15Xmonth, lots of other ways taking care of my borderline ridiculous appetite for intimacy that leads to orgasm)20%
Mutual support in self care and improvement 30%

Honestly, if we aren't having a lot of intimacy and sex, it's over for me. Doing this little exercise helped me 🤔 🤯

Orly Level 5 Feb 10, 2020

LOL You're an honest soul. Commendable.


Deep love for each other may start as friendship,and evolve to a need to be together,the World can be a cruel place,compassion and tenderness,putting ones needs behind the partners can make for a lasting relationship or marriage. But Alcoholism and drug use has broken up relationships and marriages.


I’d say it evolves, like most things. To me, anymore, it’s a relatability.. Someone who ‘gets’ the stuff I do, then piles on. I love honest enthuseasum, though suspect everyone does. Smart is sexy.. Looks will fade, with all. An internal goodness; varied experiences ..someone you’d never become bored with.. Am I expecting too much 🙂

Varn Level 8 Jan 23, 2020

No more than I am. I say quite often looks fade with age but the thing that's important is what's inside the shell kindness ranks high. Honesty. Integrity.

And this next part might sound kind of funny. I do not believe that anyone who supports Trump would be a good match for me. I have dated several men here in East Texas and they all seem to have at least one of his characteristics. I tried truly I did try but it's a deal-breaker.

For the most part here we have people who are racist, bigots, bullies, disingenuous, women haters and each one of the men who I did date voted for Trump and has at least one of these characteristics in common with him. I know weird huh? I tried not to be oh my gosh what is the word... Well I can't think of it. I believe it was shallow? But I really can't remember. That seems to be happening more frequently with age as well.

Okay I'm droned on quite long en

@JustLuAnn The Blue State I came from wasn’t always blue… Pockets of it are as hostile to mental & physical health as the area I’m currently in. When I watch guys in/ from Texas’s like they go out of their way to be ignorant, arrogant, and aggressive. They remind me of ‘bush jr.’

When I notice guys in general ...I feel sooooo sorry for women.. The pickins appear extremely poor. I’ve come to feel many women have just given up, expect these ugly traits ..and attempt to live with them. Or, as the women I know best, kinda write off men all together, hang out with their female friends ...and dream..

What scares me are how many codependent relationships I notice. I wonder if they’re together due to love ..or the fact neither could function alone..? It’s like they bitch and cling to each other at the same time 😕

I’m still not convinced ‘love’ is worth it… It cost me a century farm, my, and my/ our children’s legacy.. Toss a ‘crazy’ post marriage affair on top of that … (actually LOL) ..and this guy’s all kinds of shell shocked! ..but laughing.

You’d get an A for effort; I’d get a D 🙂

@Varn I may have gotten an A in undergrad work but I'm flunking at the Master's level LMAO Cause...No more Trumpsters.


Wow, where to start....In my particular situation we did meet on line. The first thing that caught my attention was her picture, she had a bright, happy smile. We chatted for a awhile and it was easy, there was no awkwardness or forcing of the conversation. When we met there was no huge aha moment, we had a coffee then went for a walk along the river. We enjoyed each other's company and our interests were mostly complimentary and it grew from there.

Now we joke that we are each other's favorite person to be alone with. We can be together and each absorbed in our own thing and be happy, there is no need to force a conversation. We do talk and we do a lot of things together but it is the closeness/togetherness that we both enjoy.

For me the biggest thing is that she gets me, she understands that I can be quiet and that too much socializing can wear me out. She does not do the "you are awful quiet, what is wrong", she knows that there is nothing wrong, I am just being me.

She tells me that the attraction for her is that I am kind, resourceful, I cook, handy, and apparently I have a nice

So after all of that I guess I would likely say from my point:
10 looks
25 physical chemistry (includes sexual)
65 personality (which included kindness and intellect)

Well stated. And I get you too. Lol


It depends on the individual. In my experience and observation as a heterosexual man:

  • Men are generally more visually attracted and at least as typically socialized, are more emotionally pent up / stunted, and tend to objectify their partner more.

  • I read somewhere that men tend to peak sexually in their 20s, women in their 40s (here's one paper on it: []. This fits with my experience. The ONLY time a woman in my life was as interested in sex as I, was my late wife in her 40s, before her illness that eventually took her from me was too bad. Everyone's different, but that lack of synchrony may be in play for a lot of people. As the link points out, people have different definitions of "sexual peak", too; for men it is more about interest, for women, it is more about satisfaction.

  • Speaking only for myself ... I am attracted to intelligence / curiosity, kindness, supportiveness, loyalty, and emotional stability. When it comes to sex, enthusiasm is more of a turn on than appearance. In my experience, all of that is a pretty tall order, to find consistently over time in one person, and on top of that, life has a habit of "happening" and interfering with an easy relationship "flow". The stress of illness, chronic mental issues (e.g., anxiety or depression) and the buzz-kill that are children, dilute the enjoyment of even two highly compatible and motivated partners.

  • If I had to boil down everything various men have told me in moments of candidness, what they want is a woman who will love them unconditionally and not profess admiration and interest only to decide after a period of familiarity that they need to set out to change a bunch of things about you. Eat slower, floss more, share more feelings, listen better, and usually an endless list of other things. Men are simple creatures; this confuses the living shit out of them. They thought you were in love with them just as they are and chose them over all others, and now you are just irritated by this person you supposedly thought the world of. One way you can probably help this is to know yourself well enough to know what you need and to communicate it very clearly and very early in a relationship. I think women are socialized to be demure and deferential and to ignore their own likes and dislikes until the familiarity of marriage flushes these uncommunicated needs out into the open. Even very modern, "liberated" women have this tendency. As for men, we tend to see women as a settled conquest and underestimate the amount of ongoing effort that has to go into the project.

So it goes ...


Kindness and capable of loving another, intelligence, looks/physique, able to think about the other person no addiction or drug use

bobwjr Level 10 Jan 22, 2020

No smoking
No heavy drinking
A nice smile
Family oriented
Etc, etc..
Sorry, no percentages

My man loves me for the same... Generally lol


For me, it's that thing she does with her tongue. 😛

Honestly, there's no simple breakdown for me, but there's a big difference between initial attraction and long-term love (or even short-term lust). I'm a sucker for certain physical traits — big, bright eyes; a dazzling smile; a shapely derrière — but I've never acted on only that attraction because real chemistry, at least for me, involves some mix of many other things but not in any specific measure. There has to be a compatible sense of humor, kindness and compassion, a moral compass, intelligence… oh, and she has to do that thing with her tongue.

You mean tie a cherry stem?

@Wildflower 'Tis a worthwhile skill to have. I can do it. 😏

@resserts absolutely. So can I!

You made me smile really big. Haha that thing with her tongue lol lol


One could write a book about all this, but I'd skip all the math. Yes, addicts, people not kind and ladies stuck with raising the grandkids (due to addictions in the family) have no attraction to me. We're old enough to remember when we made connections without online dating. Back then, we actually got to know each other through school, neighborhood, work, friends, etc, before dating. We learned someone was a really nice (smart, kind) person and their appearance was less important. There was no baggage. And in those days, we were all more physically attractive.

NOW, we're older, smarter, have acquired wealth and knowledge (or NOT), weight, wrinkles and baggage, of various kinds. We're offered photos, ages and city to make initial judgments to click, or not. So we go with proximity of location and age... and photos before the first click. Kindness, courtesy, baggage and sexuality are determined later through the dating process.

Ladies constantly complain that "all" guys want is sex. Nope, wrong. But for many of us, it's an ESSENTIAL element and we strive to determine ASAP (sometimes foolishly) whether this new lady wants sex at all in her life (and how much), or whether she's totally DONE with it, as many are, for understandable physical and/or emotional reasons. I look for clues in the photos. It's a difficult little dance, to explore sexuality without seeming like a jerk. And for the lady to project it, without appearing to be seeking a hook-up. Is this lady posting photos that make her look like she's a nun, just looking for companionship, or is she making some effort to appear a bit alluring?

Things that make me NOT click on a link would be old photos (yes, we can always tell), "filtered" photos (again, easy to see they're not comfortable with current photos), "glamour" shots (nothing to do with reality) and shots with no hint of a smile, which they posted as representative of the appearance they want to project.

I look at photos, which are all we really have to start with and ask myself if that's a lady I want to try to move forward with, based on the photos she was satisfied with posting. No need to be looking like a 30-yo sex kitten, but the photos just must convey approachability, doing things we'd both like to do (10 car and bathroom selfies is a no-go), reasonable weight, kindness and easily maintained natural appearance (not looking just out of the stylist), not bar shots with friends and drinks and definitely no shots with the ex or grandkids. We try to read-in what we think about kindness and so-on from the photos. I know I don't seek wealth (I have enough) but have no tolerance for addictions. Sincere smiles and bright eyes are worth a million bucks.

Paragraphs.....The comment actually makes a lot of sense now that it has paragraph breaks and is now readable, which was my original point....

@TomMcGiverin Each day I’m here ..something just cracks me up. Today, it’s you - and that 😀 ...not sure if I got it, but still grinning ~

Wow ...impressive. Pretty sure I don't meet your weight requirement. However that being said I'm fairly confident about the others. I've got to were go to your profile.


Everyone is different.
1...Chemistry, and that is undefinable, but does include sexual attraction. It happens or it doesn't. Without it, nothing else matters.
2...Accept me for who I am, not who you think I can be.
4...Sense of humor leaning toward the dark side.

I think it’s exactly the same for women...the basic chemistry (attraction) has to be there or it isn’t going to happen, that has to be #1. I agree with the others on the list too, intelligence & sense of humour essential!

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