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I am on a sad futile effort. I am taking a girlfriend to visit her husband with dementia in a nursing home. I fear she will join him soon. She is determined to continue daily care.

Lorajay 9 Feb 27

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Hopefully your friend will find a way to access professional counselors who who can help her care for herself and her husband. And identify the things she really can do, and the things other staff can do better. Theres a good chance that no matter how jumbled his thoughts are, he still wants uer to be healthy and happy, and seeing that in action, would help him as well as ber.


Dementia is harder on the afflicteds’ loved ones. I’m certain she appreciates you for being there for her. 💙


I am glad you are able to support you friend and I am glad she is able to provide some care for her husband. It is not easy, I am sure, for either of you, but I totally understand her need to care for him.


I am glad u are around and u can provide that service for her .
She needs to do what she feels is right and she wants to love her husband until the end . At whatever cost .
That’s love . I am almost jealous of him . He must have done many things right in her book for her to be actively at his life now that he needs her the most .
I know she is thankful of u tonight .♥️


It's a horrible place to be, and a very, very hard life to live, but doing what you feel is right, is necessary to be able to live with yourself. Being there for the ones you love, no matter how painful, is what truly sets worthy people apart from the apathetic norm. Good luck to her.


Dementia is a horrible experience, especially for those who watch a loved person/personality disappear, leaving merely the body shell.


Just went to a memory Café group this morning with my Mom. She has early stage dementia, getting worse. Small group and only seven of us did the most talking out of 15. But still interesting.


My mom decided to continue doing daily care for my stepdad.

He now has a long term oral infection (that we just found out about but they've been trying to get her to care for it for...), and his partials haven't been removed in so long that they're growing into his gumlines.

He's to old and weak for surgery (he needs to have all his upper teeth removed and reconstructive surgery to have a chance) and is so advanced in Alzheimer's he doesn't even know what anyone is doing.

How do I tell her that her thinking no one could provide better care for him than she could is what killed him?

1of5 Level 8 Feb 27, 2020

Please do not tell her that, It will not keep him from dying or bring him back and only hurt her. I often wonder whether the lessons I've learned from watching my loved ones wither and die will be used when I reach those stages. My gut tells me they will not help me at all.

@Lorajay Just venting, no way I can tell mom. Wouldnt matter anyways she's bad enough now that she'd forget.

They won't. Best thing to do as far as I can tell is to get into a retirement home and be around professionals that both know what to look for and know what to do when they see it. In the right environment people with even advanced forms/stages of dementia live happy lives - I've actually met some.

That's what's so infuriating - they both could have had much, much better lives now and for the last couple of years.


So sad 😢😢

bobwjr Level 10 Feb 27, 2020
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