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How do you respond to someone who says "I love you" when you don't feel the same? Would you like it if someone CONSTANTLY told you that they love you? Do you have a hard time loving people? What is love anyways? Is there a difference between "I love you" and "love ya?" Is the L word used too much and has it lost it's meaning?

My ex boyfriend would constantly tell me that he loved me. I did not feel the same. I would tell him that you don't always have to say it every single day; I wouldn't say it back sometimes and he got upset. When I did say it, I was lying to him and myself.

My father, who I'm close with who lives far away, always says "love you" at the end of all our conversations and we talk often. I don't say it back most of the time because it loses it's meaning. I already know he loves me and I love him and he knows I do. He doesn't get upset when I don't say it back. I just don't feel the need to say it constantly to someone.

My long distance friend just texted me today and said "love ya!" I don't really love him. I really care for him a lot and I think he's a great, special friend. But I don't really love him. I replied back with "Is Derek better?" which is friend that mentioned eariler in the convo.

A few of my classmates have told me that they loved me before, as well as other people in my life. The only people I love are my sister, my best friend and her mom, and my dad. I have had a very hard time "loving" the rest of my family members. Even with the ones I "love," I still feel somewhat of a disconnect with the term of love.

Any thoughts?

VeronicaAnn 7 Apr 13
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10 comments

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1

It would depend upon the relationship and how they meant it. I have dear friends whom I love and tell them often. They also tell me. If someone told me they felt romantic love for me and I didn't feel the same way about them, I'd definitely want to talk about it. If we had a friendship that was threatened by their change of feelings for me, it would be important to talk about it. I wouldn't want to control someone's feelings, and I certainly wouldn't allow someone to control mine.

Deb57 Level 8 Apr 15, 2020
0

Sticking to the first paragraph; it feels one of the hardest things is not to return the love of another.. Explaining why is equally difficult.

Can’t say it unless I mean it, so it’s not overused by everyone. This guy falls in love too easily, so has to force distance. But after such distance, oftentimes a different view appears. With several such experiences, one becomes leery of ‘the real thing.’ ..if that makes sense

Varn Level 8 Apr 14, 2020
1

Saying "I love you" is so freighted, reactions vary from joy and relief to fear.

Manipulation

I broke up with a man when I learned he was a thief and liar. "I love you!" he said dramatically, in tears. "I will win you back!" "Stephen, we only dated for one month," I replied calmly. "It's too soon to talk about love. I cannot trust you. We are through."

Commitment-Phobic

I waited six months to tell Dan I loved him. A lifelong bachelor, Dan was terrified of love and commitment. At 61, the longest relationship he had was with his dog. I knew if I told him, he would back away. I was right.

3

Nothing says codependency like repeating “I love you” every five minutes.

skado Level 9 Apr 14, 2020
2

I think that when those words are used all the time they cease to have any real meaning. I've also noticed that for some people those words should be replaced with "I own you". In my experience, the attraction to family is so visceral that they're the only words that make sense. Like my children and siblings, I love them on a very deep level, but sometimes they really piss me off.
I hate it when those words are said just to get a similar response as well, and from a partner I'll frequently just respond "that's nice" and maybe later say I love you when I feel like saying it.
"Love ya" is not something I'd say because it seems like just a other form of goodbye. Very casual and meaningless

2

The term love has been basterdised so much that people use it as a normal word like... Hello or goodbye... I think actions in this case speaks loader than words. It is indeed through actions that we can see real LOVE being displayed. Just be honest and upfront and tell them you don't feel the same way. NO OBLIGATION HERE... Sometimes obsession can also feel like love.

0

Love is continually having to say "I'm sorry".

4

For me, I am aware that they are different types of love. There is familial love, friendship love, romantic love, etc. For me, I try to be as honest as possible in these situations. So if I do not love the person YET, I tell them they mean alot to me and I really care for them, but I am not at the love stage yet. IT has happened mainly in romantic relationships where the guy tells me he loves me first (whether as a lie to get sex or meaning it genuinely) and that is how I handle that.

In relation to friendships, it is easier to have friendship love with someone I am close to, that supports me and has my back, and generally treats me better than most of my family! So I cannot say I have ever struggled with friendship love. That may be a barrier or distance you are creating between yourself and your peers to try and keep yourself "safe". It may be an unconscious coping mechanism you learned earlier on in life that no longer serves you, but that you continue to use. Those are my thoughts.

6

I think in many relationships the degree of love is different. It sounds like you take the word love seriously, as a strong emotion not to be declared lightly. (Me too.)

For me, I've been in that situation a few times, where a romantic partner says "I love you" but I don't feel the same, so it's extremely awkward. I've both lied and reciprocated falsely with a casual "love you too" to keep the peace -- or just said "I know, and I appreciate it" to keep it honest.

In a romantic situation, when the L word is used, it's often a deciding point as to whether to keep going in that direction, with a "that's nice, I'm not there yet" or a "I'm not sure we're on the same path in that regard" type comment.

Love is not always in the same proportions, maybe only one sided, and sometimes people exaggerate their love for some reason or another.

There are some relationships where love is unspoken but felt by both individuals, maybe in different degrees or concentrations depending on where each is in their life, how many other people they have, the openness of their hearts, how many other more important concerns they have on their mind, where there is no time or energy for love. It doesn't always get defined. Sometimes we don't realize the love we have for someone until they are no longer there.

Some people use the the L word as a last resort to hang onto a relationship, with wishful thinking, trying to make something that isn't really there into something they very much want. Maybe it's out of loneliness or a need to be in a relationship, even if it isn't a healthy one.

There are really only a few people in this world I love so strongly that I'd be heartbroken if they were no longer here for me to enjoy. I try to make them aware of my love, though I might not always say it out loud or shower someone with gifts or attention, I'm hoping they can tell through other means. People show love in different ways.

Friendly love is often expressed more casually, since there isn't so much riding on the degree of love. There are many people I love as friends, but I don't express that. It's not that I dis-love them, it's just that I'm not demonstrative that way. Just as some people are extroverts and some introverts, we all have our different comfort zones in expressing love.

Love has so many degrees and facets, with growing and waning at various times as well. It's definitely a mystery!

The metaphorical human heart is amazing in that it can stretch to include everything and everyone we care about. Sometimes there are personality traits or past experiences that constrict it a bit, but given time, it can open up more easily as we become more comfortable with ourselves.

4

I appreciate how much thought you put into the word “love.” I agree that it’s thrown around much too loosely; it’s a very strong and meaningful word to me.

I am very much like you ... I hate saying it unless I feel it. I say it all the time to my son; my love for him is profound and constant.

I said it fairly regularly to my last boyfriend. I really did love him. But I definitely didn’t say it back to him just because he said it to me. I probably told him I loved him 80% less than he told me, but he knew i loved him and didn’t get bothered that I didn’t always say it back. He accepted me the way I was. I liked that.

My mother used to end all our calls with “I love you.” And I said it back out of obligation. But we both knew she didn’t love me, and I didn’t love her. We said it because we were “supposed to.” (I’ve finally reclaimed that and don’t talk to her at all.)

So I say good on ya. Be true to yourself.

PS - I think there’s a big difference between “I love you” (deep) and “love ya” (more casual and friendly).

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