TW: d**g use. Also a long post.. sorry
Ever since I started EMDR with my counselor I’ve been bitter towards not only my mother, but my whole family. They all knew what was happening at home and would tell me how horrible it is and how it shouldn’t be happening. They even told me once that they were going to contact DHS but never did. They always sent me back to my mom to be mentally and physically abused.
They also treated me like I’d never make it in life. It was very obvious that they thought this and when I confronted my great grandfather about it recently he told me he thought I’d end up just like my mom. This is why I pushed so hard in school. It was my only safe space from home and I wanted to prove to them that I was “worth” something. Well here I am with a degree at 22, working on my masters, and they treat me way WORSE.
I got into it with my cousin recently for speaking out about her neglecting and mentally abusing her daughter & was told I can’t see her kids anymore & got blocked. Oh well. I’m still in contact with her daughter who is safe now at my great aunts (who I grew up close to) who she tells me scoffs every time she talks about me. My mom is no support and acts like nothing I do is worth mentioning outside of Facebook. Since she gets praised for how I turned out... I don’t understand what I’ve done to all of them for them to have always treated me like this. It makes me feel like I’m “crazy” and that I’m the toxic one but I go out of my way to do right by all of them.
I just don’t understand and I’m left feeling guilty that I want to cut them all out of my life. I’m even excited to move states to get away from them and it feels wrong. I don’t feel like I belong when I’m around them & never have. My nana was the only one I was close to and the only one that ever supported me. She’s the reason they started inviting me to holidays again. She died of an overdose in January and I know that if my great grandpa didn’t insist they invite me, they wouldn’t. He’s 92 and in perfect health but I worry he won’t be here long and their attitudes towards me will only get worse. I wish my mom wouldn’t have ruined my relationship with my dads family because I feel like an alien there too. I guess I’m just ranting but god damn it fucking sucks to finally be in a good place but have no real support system.
This is pretty typical. More often than not, family members will turn on the person speaking up about the abuse rather than the abuser. It's much more comfortable to pretend like it's not happening at all than to address it.
My advice: accept that they will probably never change and decide how you are going to handle them. Put boundaries on them so you don't keep getting hurt. That might even be eliminating them from your life.
@1EarthLovingGal It is pretty dumbfounding to witness firsthand. You watch normal, intelligent people turn into the village idiot in the blink of an eye. It's crazy-making.
Just because you are related to people, does NOT mean they need to be in your life. Get new friends, make them your family!
I've found that having a peaceful life is often about who you exclude from it. We're given all these messages about how we should be towards our family and it's bullshit. Being your family doesn't stop them being arseholes and trying to have a relationship just because they're family is like hugging a rattlesnake because you've been told you should. Take care of yourself emotionally, look after yourself emotionally and once you've done that if you've got anything left over, then think about helping others
Are you writing to vent & seek comfort? Sending long firm hugs. I hear your frustration; been there, done that. You're not alone.
Are you writing for advice? Everyone has haters in their life. Usually competitors, sometimes friends, occasionally family. Regardless, leave them behind. You don't have time or energy to deal with the haters; spend your energy on your fans. No need to get even, no need to fully understand why, no need to apologize. Forgive them - for your own benefit, not theirs - let go of anger & frustration. Move on. Build the relationships that bring joy & support.
You have to realize that in any family situation where there is someone like you who is fighting to become a winner they will always resent you because they are losers and know it. They take pride in being losers and worked hard to become such and resent you for becoming someone better because they are incapable of doing it themselves. The better person you become the more their resent will show so take pride in yourself because every time they step up their resentment they are actually complimenting you....
@1EarthLovingGal People are people you just have to accept that they are what they are. You can't change them they have to change themselves and the vast majority aren't even willing to try....
....hugs?
You'll be allright. Sometime a short vacation from family is a good thing.
Forgive and forget. Dont waste any time on grudges. And choose to spend time making good memories with people whose company you genuinely enjoy. Sometime that won't be family.
Congrats on the Masters, btw.