XMAS MOVIE REVIEW SPECTACULAR!!

Now that Xmas is upon us let's review some if the seasonal classics being aired.

-- A Christmas Carol - Mean old fart, Ebenezer Scrooge, is traumatized by three ghosts to not be such a dick to everyone. He wakes up Xmas morning and purchases expensive gifts as he tries desperately to buy his way outta Hell. I like the musical version best. 5 stars out of 5

-- Miracle on 34th St - Cynical little brat learns to believe in Santa Claus just because a court of law rules he's real. She also gets her Xmas wish which is either a house or a baby brother depending on which version you see. Pretty good but a little sappy. 4 stars out of 5

-- It's a Wonderful Life - George Bailey bitches about his life a lot until he learns he's the only thing standing between his quaint, wholesome, little hometown becoming a cesspool of criminal business, depraved sex, and homeless people. He also realizes he loves his wife, so that's a good thing, and his miserable little job ain't really so bad. You are required by law to see this movie at least once in your life. 5 stars out of 5

-- Die Hard - It's DIE HARD! It's f---king awesome! 7 stars out of 5

-- Home Alone - Super bratty kid commits multiple attempted homicides against two unkillable dumb asses and decides he loves his family. 3 stars out of 5

-- Elf - Will Ferrell plays an emotionally underdeveloped, pre-diabetic man who thinks he's an elf who can't do anything right -- in tights no less! In the end, he saves Xmas, gets the girl and I assume he eventually got some help for his raging sugar addiction.. 4 stars out of 5

-- A Christmas Story - Little 12 year old , Ralphie, just wants an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200 shot Range Model Air Rifle and he goes through 2 hours of shit to get it then he shoots his eye out. They go out for duck after the turkey is ruined by the neighbor's dogs. Once a year for 24 hours it becomes its very own cable channel.
5 stars out of 5

-- The Polar Express - Unsettling cross between a children's movie and Night of the Living Dead as the characters all seem more like re-animated corpses than anything that's actually alive. Speaking of lifeless, Santa is a joyless, humorless old goat and the elves just seem creepy. At least it's pretty to look at. 2 stars out of 5

-- Gremlins - Cute things turn into weird, nasty, disgusting things and fuck up everybody's Xmas. Two teenagers and one other cute thing try to stop them. The girl tells a sad and kinda funny story about how her dad died a horrible death just by trying to be a good father on Xmas. 4 stars out of 5

-- Krampus - Fun story of a horrifying demon that damns an entire family to Hell for not being cheerful on Xmas. Krampus himself looks like a Santa Claus who's been dead for three months then dug up. Love this one! 5 stars out of 5

-- The Grinch - Two interminable hours of Jim Carrey hamming it up and mugging to the camera while wearing a fuzzy green leotard. He hates Xmas until little Cindy Lou Who nags him into liking it. 2 stars out of 5