Agnostic.com

13 3

Given that we first see people... why are we offended that people don't notice our personalities?

I am speaking of initially meeting someone. I have had reactions, and read of others reacting, or receiving reactions, that imply we are supposed to know a persons personality first. Which is not realistic at all.

Which begs a question: why are we offended that people are first attracted to us by looks? Why are we offended that sometimes looks betray us (meaning that personality doesn't always follow what our eyes might devour)?

Gnarloc 7 Apr 14
Share

Enjoy being online again!

Welcome to the community of good people who base their values on evidence and appreciate civil discourse - the social network you will enjoy.

Create your free account

13 comments

Feel free to reply to any comment by clicking the "Reply" button.

1

Initially, looks is what attracts us. We're monkeys in shoes for all intents and purposes. But there needs to be "substance" to keep attraction going. Speaking only for myself, "substance" thst keeps me attracted is intelligence, wit, sense if humor, kindness, capable of taking care of themselves, drive, determination, kindness, empathy, self control....& all these things take time to reveal themselves. One normally has their best foot forward during the initial meeting & follow up encounters. As familiarity grows, so does comfort & the more personality & character are revealed.

1

Before I would meet anyone I need to talk on the phone and get an idea of their personality. I message for hours here sometimes and talk on the phone for hours. My personality will be revealed in posts here, messaging and on the phone. I think people notice my personality because I am so open and down to earth.

1

At our core we are simplistic. We want something beautiful to be beautiful. When we find that sight can decieve, we are disappointed. In this way we learn to question what we are shown.

2

I'm used to it. No one ever gets past my appearance. No one ever "sees me" in terms of my personality. That's why I like being a faceless online entity so much. It doesn't bother me anymore than rain being wet bothers me: I may not like it, but it is what it is: natural, and no one's fault.

Ahhh brilliant minds think alike ??

1

A lot of it for me is how a person interacts. If there's something that makes me want to know more about them, that's what gets me interested in them.

3

I think it takes conscious effort to look at a person and try to see beyond the surface, outward appearance. For this reason, traditional dating sites do not work in my opinion. Physical attraction is fun but evanescent. Attraction based on interests, values, personality has longevity. I am not offended if someone says something nice about how I appear. If that is the extent of conversation, that's the end of conversation.

I have further noticed that there is more to the 'visual' than simply looks.

Example: a friend and his wife sent me pictures of a friend of theirs, with the intent of setting up a date (but planning was needed as I was two states away). I was not at all attracted by the person I saw in the photo. Years later, I meet this beautiful woman... yep. It was her.

I also have a friend who I am not attracted to (for more than friendship). She's nice enough looking lady but nothing that really sparks my interest. Her photos though, are HOT! She, for some reason, really shines in the camera lens but does not (for me) in person.

Because of these experiences, I, for one, have taken to reviewing my reaction to photos in a different light (same with reactions in person). I try to get to know them before making any decisions.

Those experiences are a small part of why the initial post. I have seen too much online, and offline, that leads me to believe we have become entirely too visual and we need to take that step back and realize who we are and redress that.

Food for (more) thought.

Hmm, my previous reply didn't address what I wanted to: I think there is more information in seeing someone, even across the room, than in a photo. I think this goes to your comment about seeing beyond looks. I have come to think that there is information we (can) perceive when looking on someone in person that we don't get through a photo.

I think this goes towards your though of 'seeing beyond.'

1

You said: "Why are we offended that sometimes looks betray us (meaning that personality doesn't always follow what our eyes might devour)?"

It sounds like you expect physically attractive people to have attractive personalities, and vice versa. Is this what you're saying? You see an attractive personality and you EXPECT an equally pleasant personality?

I have a feeling that this is not what you mean, could you clarify?

yes, i am not sure i connect personality immediately with visual input. personality is more in your head

Reactions I have received from people, and observed, have implied that they are displeased to get to know someone and their personality is not what they'd hoped for, or that they desired. Despite the surface reaction being entirely pleasant. Ie: they saw someone 'perfect' but were disappointed upon getting to know them.

Another way to say this is that it seems we place entirely too much emphasis on looks.

No small part of my question is why are we surprised that personality doesn't always follow looks? Nor, I should point out, is it guaranteed to be inversely proportional. Meaning that some thing it must be true that a physically beautiful person is socially ugly (ugly in relationships? Horrible friend? Horrible person? Not sure of a nice concise way to say that). I feel that they are unrelated. I have met people of all mixes of traits. It just seems that too many of us put too much weight on looks and have expectations based on same.

0

Because we are not educated enough on how the brain processes information: THE EYES RULE.

1

It is like a lake on the surface is nice but not sure howdeep is it and what mystery it holds

Rosh Level 7 Apr 14, 2018
0

Shallow Hal

1

Very much dependant on the relationship between cortex and brain!! In some people it's different. It's mostly about reproduction. I suppose we get offended as people all express a desire to want to kow someone's personality (as that is socially acceptable) but don't always follow that line of logic in reality. So you get missnomers. Suppose you get people buying into styles as well who aren't so sure of who they are.. So someone may like a grunge look and buy clothes to that effect but in no way understand a grunge "scene" or ever have been near one... Welcome to the magic roundabout / massive strange lottery of people who don't know themselves that well (and blame others) lol!

1

I wish people would notice my personality too. Most people that I talk to think that I am nice. I think I am a nice person. I'm friendly too.

2

Because cis hetero men are attracted to women primarily through their eyes.

To avoid wasting time pursuing infertile females with poor genes, they are most attracted to "beautiful" women..which means faces with the most average, or even, features. This also indicates genetic diversity. Tiny waists and rounded busts and hips indicate fertility and baby-bearing capabilities.

Cis hetero women tend to choose money and status over both, and sometimes sneak quickies with handsome doormen during their fertility period so they can have it both ways-be married to good provider with horrible genes, and have sound children with a sexy, male who is low status.

So, if your post is to complain that women always say (correctly) that men are only attracted through their eyes, then I agree with them.

Note my post was genderless. I was pointing out that we all do this, your post only strengthens that thinking on my part.

Write Comment
You can include a link to this post in your posts and comments by including the text q:57335
Agnostic does not evaluate or guarantee the accuracy of any content. Read full disclaimer.