Some thoughts I have after chatting with a friend about some exploitative patterns in relationships.
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A relationship is a puzzle of many pieces... And either you guys are building that puzzle together or one is is being assembled/fitted into the others pre-existing puzzle/narrative. They should always understanding and agreement as to which scenario this is.
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If your partner cannot maintain responsive & healthy boundaries between their critical relationships... they will, intentionally or not, will engage in exploitative practices when it comes to those relationships... Especially when it comes to you.
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Merely talking isn't enough. There should be agreements and timelines to review past commitments. -- For instance after y'all talk and you create a plan of action to address a issue or behavior either of you has... Commit to reviewing once for progress after 4 month intervals or something like that. -- In my opinion, this should help center the relationship and communication around healthy accountability and minimally vague understandings.
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never mistake the utility of ambiguity for The stability/security of understanding
As a millennial, these conversations really make me realize how underserved we when it came to developing relationship skills. Maybe public school curriculum should include the stuff and there should be requirements in the production of related media to promote these things but it is a bit jarring how underdeveloped we can be as adults.
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I think that if you have reached the point, where you are starting to think about making rules and plans for a relationship, then it is probably not going anywhere anyway.
Fernapple
Level 9
July 20, 2021
1
Without mutually agreed upon rules... How do partners establish and respect commitments to each other?
@Fernapple The act of doing one's best in a manner that does not require establishing negotiated expectations/norms effectively assumes that's one's best will be understood and reciprocated despite possible misinterpretations and the alike.
I find that type of relationship approach to be more likely to serve myself narrative than it is to express a commitment to understanding my partner.
I think both you and Lauren make a lot of good points. I may be just an old, out of touch Boomer, but I do think that Millennials are often very stunted when it comes to communication skills, not really their fault, but due to so much exposure to impersonal, short term attention inducing things like video games, texting, etc. Those things lead to a lot of them having difficulty with doing face to face conversation and actually listening to and engaging verbally with other people. It also leads to having stunted social skills about forming friendships that are close and committed, I think. Hell, yes, I think school should at least offer courses in this kind of stuff for kids before they finish high school. Not because they necessarily are going to get married soon after that, but because at least some of them are going to be having sex, getting pregnant, and living together, even if they didn't consciously plan to at that age. And they are going to need all the help they can get in navigating those situations anyway, with communication skills and relationship skills being critical.
TomMcGiverin
Level 8
July 19, 2021
2
I think I understand what you hope to achieve, but I don't think there is a cookie-cutter plan to accommodate all of the relationship variables out there. Just as people have different learning styles, they also have different relationship styles, and these may (and probably will) change over time as life throws stuff at us. Stuff we couldn't possible have planned for.
Are you thinking of a conflict resolution type class? I can see that being productive in all walks of life.
Lauren
Level 8
July 19, 2021
0
Well maybe I should add the context of extractive relationship patterns. Scenarios in which one partner is ignoring the emotional and mental health concerns or needs of the other for the sake of other obligations.
While I have no argument with number 3, I guess I think differently about close partnerships, romantic or otherwise. It seems that it is inevitable that sometimes it has to be all about one or the other, due to life “happening”, but as long as partners work to keep a good amount about “us”, it will likely be successful. It is when one becomes too self-serving that most troubles are likely to begin.
KateOahu
Level 8
July 19, 2021
2
I think when it comes to making partnership decisions for the sake of one partner in particular... Partners can still address those issues being honest and transparent about their concerns, consequences and/or commitments required.
I don't mean to imply there are not scenarios in which a relationship cannot survive temporarily prioritizing one partner's needs over the other. But I do think such situations cannot be healthily sustained without accountability and acknowledgment.
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