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Is there somebody for everybody

or

does everybody settle for somebody

HeAdAkE 6 Nov 1
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0

Mistake to settle

3

I won't ever just settle again. There are worse things than being alone.

Deb57 Level 8 Nov 6, 2021

....Like being with someone who made you wish that you were alone?

@twill exactly!

3

There's no black and white answer to that because of so many different individual situations.

0

I would suggest to check out Esther Perel on ‘Finding the one’ on utube😎

0

We are too worried about the news, (!) concerned about what's for dinner, (????) what will my family think (mmmm), What no MEAT !?!? ...will the neighbors like the new drapes? YOU'RE GONNA HURT YOURSELF !!!!

We're picking people for compatibility, not excitability. Just like the bananas at Krogers....and don't pinch the bread goddammit !

People are fucking lame. Get used to it

twill Level 7 Nov 3, 2021
6

Those are broad, simplistic generalizations there. The number of single people in the world would indicate that not everyone is settling, and the idea that there's one ideal partner for everyone is limiting and unrealistic. If that were the case, how would anyone ever stumble upon their perfect match?

I believe there are any number of people to whom we're more ideally suited, and it may take flexibility, compromise, focus, patience, and trust to build a strong relationship together. The idea that a wish list of traits fall into place with the one right person is the stuff of fairytales.

Well said. You seem way too sensible and sane to be single, but so am I. Too bad almost everybody here lives hundreds of miles apart. And, yet, in my local dating pool on Match, it seems like so many women have a narrow, rigid checklist of traits that a man must meet, or they won't even consider replying to him, much less meeting him in person to see what he's like. I often wonder if it's really because they are too busy to bother putting the time into meeting that many different men, even ones who may differ some way from the woman or vary a bit from their shopping list, or is it because they just have such faith in only seeking men who strictly meet their rigid, narrow list of requirements? So many seem to forget that we are dealing with complex, flawed, human beings, no matter whether they meet the checklist or not, and the only way to be sure, both if they are right for you, or if they are incompatible, is to spend some time and effort at communicating with them and being around them. And irrational as it may seem, few people seem concerned that they might actually miss out on someone compatible and good for them by being too picky or spending too little time meeting those who seem less than a perfect match on paper.

@TomMcGiverin Thank you for your kind words. I imagine everyone has their deal breakers, and the amount people are willing to compromise is indeed probably a direct correlation to how much they want to share their life with someone.

@Lauren Everyone has deal breakers, and within reason, those are a good thing. At the same time, you make a great point in that while we all have deal breakers as to what things make someone a non-match, for us at least, at the same time, we all need to be realistic and pragmatic about both what we bring to the table or have to offer a partner, and also what things we may have to compromise on or tolerate as far as personal differences with a prospective partner in order to be able to find a match within our respective dating pools.

And if we are not willing to be reasonable or pragmatic regarding those things I mentioned in my last sentence, then it's likely, as you say, that the person is really not that interested in wanting to share their life with someone or find another partner. And they may even be fully or partly unaware of their ambivalence about it. But in my case, for example, I am a very small minority within my local online dating pool, so, in order to be reasonable and pragmatic, because I really do want to share my life with someone again, I can't afford to have very many deal breakers at all, since the slice of compatible women in my dating pool is so small to begin with, and, on top of that, most of them are well aware that they are part of the majority culture and lifestyle in my dating pool, so they can easily afford to have more dealbreakers than me and be less open to compromise and tolerance of differences.

I would love to be able to choose from only women who were politically very lefty, hated country music, were not at all family-oriented, well-educated, above average-looking, non-religious, non-smokers, and who only drank socially. But that is not realistic, and would leave me with practically nobody to choose from, at least nobody that would choose an average-looking bald man with financial security, but not rich by any means. So I have to compromise and tolerate women who like country music some, but not their favorite genre, women who are moderately religious, be open to women who are only average-looking, women who are occaisional smokers, or moderate drinkers, and women with kids who are only moderately family-oriented. Because the alternative, realistically, is either being alone for a long time at the very least, or needing to move away to a better dating pool, which I have already discussed ad nauseum why I won't do it.

So if you factor in the necessary pragmatism that must of us, as non-mainstream folks, have to engage in, along with the compromises I mentioned, about all of us end up settling, at least somewhat, whether we realize it or not, unless we get very lucky or are actually not that interested in sharing our life with someone, and still happen to hit the relationship lottery.

6

That idea is just as fake as reincarnation. I see NO EVIDENCE of it.

3

Nope. There is no fate.

That's like believing an invisible deity that lives somewhere beyond the clouds.

RIGHT! Not fate, but CARPE DIEM ! Seize the day People !

1

It appears, both from comments posted by women on here, as well as discussions I've had with women on Match, that women are less inclined than men to just settle for somebody, as many of them are content to just go it alone the rest of their lives. Few men are willing to do that.

its called "alpha widow syndrome" look it up!

1

Yes

lerlo Level 8 Nov 2, 2021
4

I believe there is somebody for Almost everybody, but that many, if not most people, settle for somebody.

twill Level 7 Nov 2, 2021
4

I see it every day in my line of work as a wedding officiant.

I think outgoing people who cross paths with lots of like-minded people have a better chance at finding love than introverts (like me) who don't venture out all that much, and surely don't make eye contact or initiate conversations with people we're attracted to, due to being reserved for one reason or another.

So, while I'd like to think there are lots of somebodies I could be mutually happy with, I'm kinda trapped in my own shyness that way. Therefore, only the wrong types who have pursued me relentlessly and were control freaks broke into my shell and wore me down to become involved with.

I hope someday, to restore that balance with my own confidence and perhaps attract (and act on) connecting with a suitable mate, but if that never happens, I'm totally okay on my own.

I've been told that happiness attracts happiness, meaning people are attracted to happy people more than unhappy people, for the most part, so I'm still just working on the happiness part for my own sake before sharing it with a mate.

You can do all the self improvement you want or any other kind of work to radiate more happiness, but if your situation only allows few opportunities to meet other single people, it either won't matter a damn bit or at best will probably take a long time in order for you to meet someone compatible. As someone said to me long ago, dating is, more than anything else, a numbers game, as far as success or failure. Effort and method, of course matter some, but with shitty numbers, as far as prospects or opportunities to meet other singles, it's very unlikely to happen anytime soon. I guess if one wants to rely on very limited meeting opportunities, that's their business, but they'd better plan on a long wait, unless they get lottery -type lucky with one of their early prospects.

2

There might be someone for most everyone but for some of us the odds of ever meeting that someone are practically zero.

The odds might be small, but timing is yuge ! Right place wrong time is a killer.
Bad moods. For some it is simply not seeing what is right in front of them .... for whatever reason(s).

8

I believe there are a lot of somebodys for most people. Finding them is the tricky part. 🙃

Esp. if you are at a point in life where about the only network left for you to meet singles is dating sites. Because then, as another member here told me privately over the phone, you are dealing only with people that usually have issues, except for maybe the widowed, and the rest are mostly the dregs, so to speak, of the dating pool, instead of the more healthy and functional people, who are usually taken and coupled already., And, as he said, in that situation, you really do end up having to settle for someone who will be a challenge all the time in the relationship, or else accept being alone. Pretty fatalistic and pessimistic, but he may well be right.

@TomMcGiverin "Healthy & functional people who are already taken and coupled up" ? Then why do they divorce? C'mon man THAT particular shade of grass ain't always greener ! Plenty of couples live in misery....and some of the most misery causing people have no problem repeatedly coupling up.

@twill You make a good point. My own parents were miserable together much of the time, but they stayed together, I can only assume, for the so-called good of the kids, the morality of the church, and the traditions of their generation. Nowadays tho, there is no stigma for divorce like back then, so I can only assume that most couples these days, esp. people in my dating age range, stay together because they want to and still get along, since by my age the kids are already grown and long gone in most cases, since I am talking about women who are at least 55. Misery-causing people do seem to be able to find partners again, if they are women who have the looks or men who have the looks and/or money.

I also believe that, in adult relationships, divorce is seldom 100% the fault or responsibility of just one partner, as adult relationships are entirely voluntary, unlike membership in a family you are born into. We all usually play some part in why our adult relationships, including friendships, end or fail. Adult relationships are usually too complex to be solely one person's fault or success. So I must disagree, that dating widowed people in general, rather than coupling up with divorced people, may be a better bet for finding someone who is healthier emotionally and more functional. Of course, everyone needs to evaluate potential partners as individuals and go case by case. I am just speaking in generalities, for purposes of discussion.

And as far as your "C'mon, man", expression, who are you, Joe Biden, lol?

@TomMcGiverin I too am the product of an unhappy marriage. Dysfunctional family...and questionable religious beliefs. Still sorting it out all of these years later (age 62) , but I look around and feel that i am in a way better place than I ever thought I could be, at earlier times anyway.

Family still fucked up, but maybe that's just my opinion. Forgiveness has always been hard for me.....(Christianity beats me by a country mile on that one !).
Now I understand....There's No time like the present !!

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