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Is it okay for a heterosexual married woman to have a heterosexual male friend?
I ask because I feel like it should be and I trust my wife. On the other hand, I know that when I was single I always felt attracted to my married female friends and would have jumped into bed with them if it was ever offered.
I trust my wife absolutely and would never try to tell her what to do. I find such behavior
offensive. However when I was growing up it wasn't done. My dad once threatened a guy with a baseball bat that he felt had been talking to my mom too much. He literally chased the guy from our front door when he knocked and asked for my mom.
So ultimately I feel conflicted. I don't want to be the type of guy who gets jealous for no reason. And I strive for that. But it does bother me a when our single neighbor calls my wife and talks to her at length. It's not inappropriate and our kids play together, but he does talk to her a lot. I am nominally considered his friend although I don't really feel like it. And he calls her first for everything and they talk for a long time. And they talk at great length in our front yard. To be clear I am never excluded.

I have told my wife how I feel (conflicted) and she offered to stop being friends with him. But besides striving to be the type of husband I want to be, I want our kids to play together. But I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me. I told her I didn't have any right to tell her who to be friends with and that I would deal with it. But I seem to be thinking about it far too much and I am increasingly worried. I worry that if the friendship does start to develop into something where they confide in each other then it would be too late to ask her to stop being friends. And after that it may develop into something more. I do trust her I am just worried about how things may progress and keep imagining the worst.

towkneed 7 Jan 5
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15 comments

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0

I think the problem is in your head, and stems from the way you were raised. If you start depriving your wife of friends you will be initiating the demise of your marriage.

If you trust your wife you trust her. If you don't, you don't.

I would never try to deprive her of anything. But thanks for the feedback. Maybe, no idea.

1

Of course it's okay for men and women to be friends. I am friends with my ex-husband.

Terry is a wonderful father. Here he is with our daughter Claire, 31, last summer.

2

Heterosexual men seldom seek the friendship of women in my experience. As a woman the attention from a man is always suspect. Women will seek emotional connections with men who misinterpret our intentions. Your wife is finding fulfillment in another person. One cannot provide 100% of anyone's needs. Some connections must be found in others. If this friend is not gay, then..... I would do more communicating with your wife or understanding what this man is providing her that you are not. This may be something you can't provide. If it is within your tolerance & her boundaries, then there is little problem. Negotiate & speak with your wife. & have patience. Things could burn out. Do not emulate your dad. Evolve away from violence. Does HE have a spouse?

Thank you for the reply but he is the one who texts and calls. She is never the initiator and there are no "confidences" between them. And she always includes me. I don't think there is any connection on my wife's part that is inappropriate. However I do notice that he calls her first when a need arises and will proceed to talk to her about things that he doesn't talk to me about. Except when my wife goes out of her way to include me. My concern is his intentions and/or a progression in closeness that might lead to an emotional affair. And, being raised with the attitudes I was, I notice and worry. But we do talk about it and we are both respectful of each other. I just posted here to get the thoughts of those with an external perspective. Unfortunately, as usual, people are reading in their own assumptions, most of which are wrong.
Perhaps someday I will learn to stop posting on social media. People seem to always read things that aren't there.

@towkneed Might you speak with youz guyz friend and ask what his intentions are? I am sorry you feel you shouldn't have confided in us. These are merely the vibes we are picking up from your description of the situation. You wife may be totally innocent, but men are always sniffing around. What happens if you answer the phone? You might consider what his intentions are then you can assess his reaction & know you are aware of his attention. Do not hesitate to seek counseling. They are trained to provide you with options we here may not be aware of. We are just giving feed back.

@Mooolah I thank you for the feedback. It was what I asked for and what I wanted. So thanks.

4

You need a hobby, you have Far too much free time!!!
And if you continue this outlook, you will succeed in driving your wife away.....

Wow. ASS - U - ME.

@AnneWimsey ASS - You -Me. You ass.

4

Besides the meme which I vote for it 100%,
Also ,
All my friends and buddies have always been mostly men . I communicate better with men , able to be direct / straight to the point / and we don’t have to compare clothing and make up .( besides my gay men friends ).
I can’t see how that can lead to relationship / romance / etc if I already have that in my life let’s say w a lover or husband and such .
I just don’t understand y u think this is a possibility , y u worry .

Thanks. And to answer your question I have found that men see female friends differently than women see male friends. I know that is a generalization and it is not universally true. However I used to when I was single. And I did my research. There are numerous studies showing that men see opposite sex friendships differently, and usually see attraction when none is there. For example, here is an article that mentions several (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/clear-communication/201708/1-1-opposite-sex-friends-blind-spot-threat-marriage). Also, if you read the comments here you can find examples of single men doing just that. I find that the majority of men would not respect marital boundaries if they felt it would lead to something.

I've always had better female friendships, longer lasting and more genuine (yes exceptions)

@towkneed I have always been able to respect boundaries with female friends, whether they were married or simply single and not interested in me romantically. But it probably helps that my sex drive is lower than most men and also, unlike most men, it seems, I am not always on the make for sex with any woman that seems attractive or prone to assuming interest in me is there when it actually isn't. If anything, I am prone to assume the opposite.

0

I always say "if you are satisfied with the quantum of conversation, contribution, love, sex, care etc. that you are receiving why are you concerned that your partner needs to give and receive more?"

3

If you love each other, it should not matter. In civilized countries we no longer own our women.

I don't know if that was meant as an insult or not. If so, I would direct your attention to these sentences in my post:
"
I trust my wife absolutely and would never try to tell her what to do. I find such behavior
offensive.
",
"
I told her I didn't have any right to tell her who to be friends with and that I would deal with it.
",
"
I ask because I feel like it should be and I trust my wife.
".
I expressed the same sentiment at least 3 times.

0

Tough one. I think in the end it has to be a case by case or individual couple basis. What works for one couple regarding outside friendships might not work for another. We all have different temperaments and tolerance levels for jealousy and others competing for the time and attention of our partners. You and your partner can work it out if you keep communicating as puff said below.

Thanks. We talked again today. I also did some research and found several articles from reputable sources (Psychology Today for example) that let me know I was not being paranoid. I even sent her 2 articles from Psychology Today explaining my fears much better than I could. She read them and was very surprised at how men often handle same sex friendships (several studies were mentioned). Today I feel much less anxious about it.

0

Be careful. I had a period of chasing married women. Many were VERY easily caught.

0

Don't give in to those feelings, it's ok for her to have a friend

4

It sounds to me like your wife is the primary caregiver to the children and your neighbor is the primary caregiver to his children. Perhaps you would it be included more in their conversations if you were a more active parent.

Familiarity can breed attraction. Marital satisfaction is the best protection against straying spouses. Jealousy does not provide satisfaction for either party.

Sorry but you are wrong there. He and his wife share custody and I am at least as much of a caregiver as my wife.

0

I'll give you an example. I'm friends with a couple, Marilyn and Ronnie. They've been together for years. But I've known Marilyn for 40 years. Marilyn loves college basketball, and has seasons tickets to our alma mater. Ronnie can't make it to all of the games, so I often go to the games with Marilyn. We handle the situation like mature adults, I would never think about violating our friendship.
So yes men and women can be friends
We never discuss their relationship, I feel like that would be dishonest to Ronnie who is also my good friend. There is such a thing as having an emotional affair, that might even be a worse betrayal than a drunken one night stand.

I get your example understand your point. However I don't see my situation as similar. Maybe after years I will. However my wife and I communicate and I feel a lot better after our discussion yesterday.

4

Do you have any heterosexual female friends? Do you think it s OK? Remember, what's sauce for the goose is also sauce for the gander. My wife has them. I have them. Woukd you care if her friend were female, but lesbian? Marriages break when one partner cannot forgive the other for an indiscretion. "Anonymous" surveys reveal that well over half of both men and women have had an adulterous liaison at least once. Marriages survive on tolerance and acceptance.

I did have one but my wife got jealous and asked so I stopped being friends with her.

@towkneed "so I stopped being friends with her."
Who? The friend or the wife? 🤣😂
Jealousy has destroyed many a marriage. Tolerance has preserved marriages.

the friend. And it yes it was platonic, however I felt attracted to the friend and was trying to ignore it. And since my wife's happiness is more important than the friend I stopped the friendship. Anyway, perhaps my wife noticed the attraction I was trying to ignore. She was younger than my wife and very pretty. And in a perfect world that wouldn't matter, but I did find the friend physically attractive. Couple that with friendship and on a drunk future night, who knows. And she was married. There is the pavement on the road to hell.

1

Get yourself a baseball bat. Father knows best. Seriously, don't be afraid to confront the guy alone and tell him to get lost. The guy will stay away and if he dares say anything to your wife about it, you'll know your instincts were correct.

Thanks but that's just not me. At least not the me that I am today.

@towkneed I was only kidding about the bat. About telling him to stay away from you wife? I would do that, he will. If he does complain to your wife, get the bat. Just kidding. He won't tho.

1

No rules for love but be aware you are walking a line ie don't want to be totally indifferent but don't want to be clingy either. Sure you will sort it out, keep communicating.

puff Level 8 Jan 5, 2022

Thanks. We have been communicating and I do feel better today

@towkneed good to hear

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