11 9

The Sordid Details
Okay, friends, I promised to stop tantalizing and start telling, so here goes:

I met a guy on a dating site who is 7 years older than me, but in very good shape, and reasonably nice looking. The big negative was that he (I'll call him L.), was in an open marriage (verified by his wife, who is in a BDSM relationship with another man). Since L. is not into that, he and his wife were no longer intimate. He was lonely, and looking for love. I agreed to go on dates with him, but told him very clearly that I would never consider a long-term or love relationship with a married man in any circumstance. I also said that I would never break up someone's marriage, and he said he would never leave his wife. So I figured it might be fun to go on dinner dates, concerts, hikes, etc. with L., and we would keep things light and fun. BIG NOPE. on the 3rd date, he declared his undying love for me, and began sending me poems, long strings of heart emojis and fantasies of his perceived relationship with me (in the middle of the night between 1:00 and 4:00 a.m.). I was supposed to take him to sit in with my band tonight, because I thought it would be fun, since he sings and plays guitar.

He arrived at my house acting all pissy because I failed to acknowledge that it was our one month anniversary (4th date-to-be). I reminded him that I had set clear ground rules from the beginning, but his anger began to escalate. He said that in order for him to get over me, he would have to say horrible, insulting things about me to other people. I showed him the door at that point. This left me in a pickle, because I had practiced the songs he and I were supposed to do tonight with the band, but I could no longer do them, so had to tell my band mates something unexpected came up, and boy, was I upset about that, more than anything.

There were red flags, not just the love bombing, but the fact that he told me he was on psychiatric drugs for depression (but a lot of people are), and that he did not deal well with rejection. I was so very nice to him all along, and have never had an experience like that, as people tell me I'm a nice person. I guess not falling in love with someone is a crime in his book, but I know that I dodged a bullet tonight. I just hope that he doesn't decide to start stalking me.

Organist1 8 Feb 10

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Yikes, he has serious boundary issues. You dodged a bullet, good for you.


Dear Ms. Organist,

I feel for you....just wanting to expand your social options. No harm there

But going forward, if you socialize with a married guy again, hook up for real. I mean really hookup.Go for ALL of it !
Have a HOT affair ....break up the marriage. Destroy his relationship with his kids. Get his money too. Like a man, you can be a lover and scoundrel !!
Go all the way and then some...include the wife and any other girlfriends in the bedroom antics.

YOLO Baby !

Sincerely, your love guidance counselor,
Dr. Thomas Twill

twill Level 7 Feb 11, 2022

Thanks, but no. I would never want to inflict that on others, nor would I need that kind of negativity and drama in my life. If things get hot, it will be with someone who's actually available! 😉

@Organist1 Good call. You're a good lady. U no I was pulling your leg....I'm not really a Love Counselor.

@twill I like your sense of humor!

@Organist1 COOL! That is reassuring and I appreciate you telling me


Wow. I'm glad he was honest and I'm glad you stuck to your resolve not to let the relationship go further than you intended. He didn't listen or honor the wishes you stated originally.

He likely wanted "action" and likely felt he could wear you down with some patience and a romantic memory of a "one month friendiversary" and all that sounds like communication could sort that out. But the threat of him saying bad things about YOU, when it was HIM that was misbehaving or wanting to, says a lot about him. Glad you cut him out of your life.

Seems he might have a control issue, which perhaps why he wasn't into the BDSM with his wife. Perhaps he wants to control someone who doesn't want to be controlled. That's no fun.

It's a shame that your practice went to waste for the performance you were going to do together, but that seems a necessary sacrifice, a little graze of the bullet as you dodged it.

The control issue that you brought up is spot on. Love bombing and wanting phone access 24/7 as he did, are always about control. I was amazed at how quickly things accelerated, but they ended more quickly. At least I hope that's the end! It helps that he lives a 45-minute drive away, I guess.


Write everything down right now while your memory is fresh. If he does start stalking you or anything you will have a detailed record of your interactions.

MizJ Level 8 Feb 11, 2022

That's good advice. I have a lot of it on my phone, too.

@Organist1 Save everything, best to keep yourself safe.


Living proof that you have to go by actions later, rather than simply taking someone's word early on, about how they feel, what they expect, and what they will do if things go sour. This guy was thoroughly disappointing in all of those areas compared to what he led you with. Lesson learned, I'm sure. Hang in there and keep trying with men who are truly single and emotionally healthy, as well as available in all ways. Maybe the lesson, as you say, is never to even try dating casual with a married man, no matter what their situation....


Keep a careful eye on your surroundings, this is scary shit!

I'm very glad I have a dog, although my dog likes him. I want to get a an outdoor security camera. It is scary. I live alone.

@Organist1 have you thought about talking with the wife?
She if anyone would know what he might be capable of, and/or how he normally gets help when he falls off the rails. Couldn't hurt?

@AnneWimsey Good idea, but I don't have her number. I know she's a teacher. But I don't know where. I don't have his address, unfortunately.

@Organist1 Google them both, also see if she is on FB!


You dodged not only a bullet but a mental bomber and a psycho.


The organist
Was quite off pissed
At suitors poetic
Unsuited noetic

With deepest apologies to Edmund Clerihew Bentley


yeah that 4th date anniversary


A newly encountered woman recently spent 3 or 4 hours conversing. She moved several thousand miles a couple of years ago to escape a toxic violent relationship. A week later her best friend left behind suicided incompletely (brain but not body dead from overdosing on stolen & hoarded insulin. 3 children). She however left her bf as executor.
Either my new acquaintance is incredibly mentally strong or has had some very powerful therapy.
She claimed however that she has learnt not to allow such thugs as the ex bf to have free real estate in her brain by thinking about possible future stalkings or physical violence. IMO good sop - deal with tomorrow's problem when it arrives & until then seize the day.

Have you read my post #MagicPudding?


Give him a wide berth!!! Their are two divorce issues here. 1. He is not divorced. 2. He is divorced from reality.

He's gone, and I hope he never tries to return!

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