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Some advice to recently divorced people, especially if you were married for over a decade. Go to lunch or dinner by yourself. Go to a really nice place. Treat yourself. Have an appetizer and an entree, maybe even dessert. Take your time.

I know. It sounds horrible. But the hardest part for me was getting over the fear of being alone, and not just the fear, but the total lack of familiarity with being alone. When you've been with someone for a long time, it's bizarre when they aren't around anymore. You may be glad it's over, but it's still surreal.

For months after I moved into my own house, I kept catching myself starting to say something to someone who wasn't there, or doing things according to "our" old routine. It was so long before that stopped feeling alien to me, and it happened when I took myself out to lunch to celebrate a milestone.

So take yourself out and remember what it's like to just enjoy some time alone, content with your own thoughts. It'll feel freaky at first, but after a while, there is freedom in the experience, and strength. It's okay to be alone. I had forgotten that.

AuntieMame 6 May 3
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21 comments

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13

Great advice. After I left my ex, I moved to a city where I knew no one...but I’d wanted to live there my whole life. It was scary, but so freeing. Lived there three years, and found so much peace, strength, and growth.

@Stacey48 It was wonderful!

My youngest graduates next year and I am thinking about moving as well. It's super scary for me but I also think it would help me realize I'm stronger than I think.

@Marcie1974 That’s what I found out, too. I moved to Asheville, in the NC mountains: beauty in all directions. To just be myself, to be accountable only to me...it was amazing. Made some awesome friends there, and might go back in the future.

10

I remember how terrified I was to go to a restaurant alone. It seems silly now, but at the time it was real. I remember going to a grocery store, and not knowing what to buy, I had always bought his favorite things. I didn't even know anymore what my favorite things were. It's a scary time...waking up.

That was a major freedom after leaving my narcissistic, controlling ex. I may never go in Walmart again! Or endure crappy food at cafeteria-type restaurants. I do exactly what pleases ME!

10

I read a study that showed that if women don't remarry within three years they often never do.

Once women get a taste of freedom, and don't have to cater to a man anymore, they begin to wonder why they'd ever put up with it to begin with. It sure happened with me. Now I can't even imagine what I was thinking before..how did I do that?

I still sort of want someone for a dance and hiking partner, but the whole adjusting to a man thing seems ridiculously difficult now.

I can see your point. I have been a widow for 10 years. I enjoy going out, but there is no way I would get married again. Marriage seems to benefit the husband much more than the wife, in my opinion.

9

I know what you mean but I've already been through that quite a while ago. I like my own company and there are many benefits to living alone.

5

I know what you mean. Can't go out by myself. But very happy to be on my own. I am safe.

At first, when on my own, I had to have almost every light in the house on when I went to sleep. Sounds crazy now, but it is scary at first.

@DevraisA1 Me too. Within six months, I was walking outside at 3am, in the dark, looking at the stars!

@CarolinaGirl60 Good for you!!!!

4

That is great advice and it reminds me of the film 'Shirley Valentine'. It's about becoming your own person again instead of being an accessory to someone else's life.

4

He is 2,500 miles away. I am back where I belong, with my friends and my tiny family (sister and niece). I am dealing with PTSD and getting counseling.

Hang in there, it gets better. Glad you got out!

3

Very good advice. My experience has been a little different than yours. I've always been comfortable taking myself out to eat. I had never lived alone prior to my divorce. I went right from college roommates to moving in with him. I can't tell you how much I love, love, love living alone!

I will admit to talking to my dog more than I did when I was married though, lol.

3

My best moves after 33 years:

  1. "You are not to blame for trusting someone you should have been able to trust", from my doctor.
  2. Go to a hairdresser, a good one, and tell them they are free to create!

Your doctor sounds amazing.

@Marcie1974 he had just been forcibly divorced himself!

3

When we can honestly love ourselves, we have no fear of being alone. Only then are we able to truly love others.

3

After a while, what happens after a divorce actually looks amazingly entertaining. One unpredictable thing after the next and so on. Sort of like a novel I half read called “The Painted Bird,” by Haruki Murakami.

3

Good, kind, thoughtful advice

VLove Level 4 May 4, 2018
2

I had no problem being alone following my divorce. My first marriage was so aggressively bad in the last 15 years of that marriage that I preferred to be alone, rather in he company of my wife.

2

I do everything alone, be it dinner, going to the movies, or even attending a concert. I have grown even more comfortable with that after my divorce

2

Indeed! And don't cry in the soup.

N7EIE Level 6 May 4, 2018
2

Thank you for the wonderful advice!

1

I have NEVER been able to eat at a restaurant by myself. Just recently I applauded myself for going to Popeyes and getting myself my favorite meal and sitting there to eat it Baby steps. And yes, I'm divorced.

I always take a book. If I’m feeling uncomfortable or self-conscious, I read. It also keeps me from feeling rushed and wanting to leave soon as I eat.
Keep going! It gets easier.

1

I'd been alone for along time in our marriage. He'd travel for weeks at a time and I'd be on my own with our kids. When he was home it was bad. If anything I'm sort of starved for quality conversation and friendship. I don't mind being on my own. It's a lot better than being with someone mean. Going to family type events is hard though. Seeing kids having fun with their dads. Mine have never had that. It just makes me sad.

1

I'm still married (for quite a long time) and I do that!

Athos Level 5 May 4, 2018
1

good advice

0

Sometime I think I'm too good at being alone. I like to go to Sweet Tomatoes, pig out on salads and read Skeptical Inquirer or Free Inquiry.

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