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Hi, everyone ?
Been gone for a while. Lots has happened, I had heart surgery to put in a pacemaker/defibrillator in mid-February. So far so good on that front. Also, there was a staff change in the property management company for my apartment, and there was a barrage of accounting errors on their part that had the potential to jeopardize my housing.
Luckily, I think that some of the chaos is over for now. But in the last four years I endured a brain tumor and subsequent radiation treatment, which has had lasting with short-term memory problems stemming from the brain surgery to remove the tumor, I have had family problems that got so bad that I am not speaking to my mother, and I was diagnosed with CHF last year in early July which is why I had the pacemaker implanted.
All of these things have made me feel very aware of my own mortality and the mortality of the people and my kitty and all I hold dear. I am scared at the thought of losing my loved ones, and of dying myself. I have been the female version of the Prodigal Son in my relationship with God and my Christian faith. In my gut I have a deep connection with God, and I believe that it has given me the strength and ability to persevere and be resilient despite all of the abuse, violence, and health problems I have faced. But I know that Karma is a bitch, and I am scared that I will pay dearly for my sins after I die and face the judgement of the God I have walked away from so many times in defiance of God's will for my life.
I am trying to cleanse my soul of bitterness,
hatred, and resentment towards my perpetrators of the abuse I have experienced, but I am finding that forgiveness is not coming easily, the anger and abandonment feel like they are living in the very fiber of my being, and I am not sure what to do to be able to let it go. I am a sinner, and I am scared that the parts of me that I find unlovable, that God will find unlovable, and therefore God ultimately find me unlovable.
and I will face an eternity of being held accountable, never being able to rest in peace.

AmazonWarrior1 3 May 9
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10 comments

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0

wow glad your back. my friend had a defibrillator rather than a pacemaker and it did him just fine for what its worth.

2

Dear Warrior, I hope you physically recover. It's sounds like a nasty condition you went through which would sends shivers up anyones spine.
Even if you believe in god that's OK but the god now portrayed by pope francis is no a punitive god. The word 'sin' will probably be replaced by 'learning experience'.
Good luck.

0

You are not being punished love, you have had a tough time. You got through it because you have resilience. Be strong and move forward. This is your life, it belongs to no one else. Be grateful for modern science that brought you through these testing times and live now.

0

BEST HOPE.

3

There's no god..you are in charge of your own life. Sadly, you've apparently been conditioned to believe otherwise and that somehow an evil god is "punishing" you.

The blood-thirsty, revengeful Hebrew god of the Bible is modeled after the Sumerian leader, "Anu" from the Sumerian texts, written 2000 years before the Bible was written, but has the same stories, with similar names of the Bible characters, but from the perspective of aliens who say they genetically engineered human from mixing their DNA with that of human apes, to make workers for the gold mines.

The origins of human beings according to ancient Sumerian texts [ancient-origins.net]?

This video shows that details of the story of Jesus have appeared in dozens of ancient god myths..virgin birth with a god for a father, miracles, walking on water, being crucified, rising from the dead..since Horos, the Egyptian god of the sun. It's all based on the constellations, i.e., the three stars in Orion's belt are called the "three kings," the Virgo constellation is the "virgin" in the story, etc.

The REAL Truth About Religion And Its Origins

I took the time to watch, put more clarity and specifics on what I already accepted as the historical truth of the myth that is religion, the most powerful lie ever told. For me it was a good refresher for others it may be a reason to re-examine beliefs. That said, love my dashboard Jesus🙂

0

It's good to have you back 🙂

Jnei Level 8 May 9, 2018
0

If you are so religious why are you crying on this site ? Your brain and kitty are intact, make use of them and start enjoying life for a change. For things to change, you must change. Stop whining and do something about it ?

That was harsh

@Amisja
I like to give straight forward anwsers. Sometimes people need to be woken up !

@Amisja
I don't like pussy-footing around !

1

Seems an odd site to post this view, I wish you well... The other responses have both put well what I see as reality while presenting meaningful ways of handling the truth, it’s worth serious contemplation, all the best.

3

Only you can clear your mind of this sad thinking and look forward to the rest of your life as a time for happiness, not fear.The vast majority of the people on this site do not have any beliefs in gods or future punishment or even sin.You are not obliged to forgive those who have wronged you. If you feel you can't forgive, try to put your hard feelings to one side and concentrate on the good things in your life.We all have parts of ourselves that we feel are less lovable than other parts but the best thing to do is to work on them where possible and ignore them otherwise.If it turns out that there is no god and no afterlife, as most of us here believe, you will have wasted the precious life that you have left worrying about it. If your god does exist, he will forgive you. It's his job.

6

Religion will identify you as a "sinner" when in fact what you are is a "human".

Religion is all about withholding, or threatening to withhold, love in order to control your thinking and behavior. And by implication, it's about devaluing you as a human being.

I am so sorry you have been conditioned to think and feel this way about yourself, on top of all the practical problems and suffering that you've endured. I can tell you that you're as worthy as anyone of respect and love and kindness, but I cannot make you believe it.

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