I shed my narcissistic relationship, but started the next relationship with eyes wide open and ended it abruptly when I suffered false accusations. I've realized now that not only do I not need admiration from others, I can be quite happy without being in a relationship. I still seek out group activities but am quite comfortable with who I am.

I really want to comment on this, but I don't think I can streamline my thoughts about it very well. Narcissism is an ugly beast, and I am fully aware of what it can do to the ones who live with it. All I will say for now is that I'm proud of you for getting out. And for learning from your history. ❤

Thank you for sharing what must be a challenging reality.

First I'll say that everything we deal with starts and ends with us. Others may act as catalysts to our angst and anger, but it's our weaknesses we have to deal with.

From what you've described, the first thing i picked up is that you're in a challenging 'change process', probably more accurately described as a transitional process. Self-actualizing, rebuilding our identity, is in fact one of the greatest challenges people face, and the reality is that most have to do it a number of times throughout their lives. Remember how confusing it was when teens? That's often the first transitional challenge we face. When relationships break up, parents die, children leave us, we lose jobs, or lose our identities for whatever reasons, we face very similar challenges. Most grown ups however believe they should be immune; most are not.

William Bridges'books on managing transitions has functional, helpful, and productive steps which have helped me personally; feedback from clients also experiencing transitional challenges have been almost universally positive.

The following websites may be able to help you manage the transitions you're experiencing. I hope they do.

[wmbridges.com]

[mindtools.com]

My gawd, you just caused me to reevaluate who and what my ex is... never thought of her as possibly narcissist. It probably didn't help that I am ADD to begin with and have anxiety issues. Early in the marriage (it manage to last 10 years), in a light moment, she once told me wink-wink that she's always right and I thought she was kidding. Once at Hope Depot -- I like to wander around the store to come up with ideas -- I came up with one idea which I almost immediately realized was silly, tried to explain my brain fart to her, and she started getting really condescending and a women clerk ending up chiming in about "men" -- it was really insulting. At a restaurant once, the waitress was having a bad day; now, the obvious way to deal with that is a small tip, but no she actually spoke to her insultingly to the point I felt embarrassed, I late snuck back to get my jacket and left a better tip I felt so bad; who knows, maybe a boyfriend dumped her or something.

She was Russian; after we married her son came to the US to attend school, hoped to eventually get him naturalized; he was a good kid. Within a year he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and did not survive. That almost wrecked the marriage there. We had bought a house and she made me feel guilty over my insensitivity about having family over for the holidays because of her suffering during this time. A few years later, this led to the adoption of a then eight year old boy from Russia, obviously to fill a void, but in hind site, on my part (and maybe hers to be fair) to save a marriage. But Nikita had been abused as an adolescent which led to his being available, was probably PTSD from the experience, and himself was a poster boy ADHD per a councilor. But as far as the ex was concerned, there was nothing like good old fashioned discipline to get him in order. I recognized the ADHD but she was only tolerant at best about getting him help. Once we finally had him before a medical expert, he was rather subdued that day, and after questioning, the doctor said she didn't see it; under he breadth, I heard her say "YES!" She never became engaged to the notion until she spoke to a woman contractor handling a job for us whose son was also ADHD... she just would not accept the idea from me.

So instead of saving the marriage, it further exposed the flaws in it. I believe the beginning of the end came when I started standing up her to her tactics. If I had ever raised my voice ever so slightly, she always would turn a debate/argument into whether I was yelling at her or not, and I'd forget about what we were arguing about and I really would start yelling; I had always fallen for that, but the breakthrough came when I told her I would yell at her and I would keep yelling at her because she deserved to be yelled at; never thought I could be so harsh with someone.

Once after we were separated and child support became an issue (mind you, I always wanted to pay my fair share, but MASS rules can be so unfair to men), I made the mistake out of a fit of anger of reminding her that she was the one who pushed for the adoption (in my mid-late 40s at that time). A few weeks later, my son asked me if he was a burden to me... I had never been so floored.

Today, Nikita has so far totaled two cars and cannot keep a job. He speaks of enlisting in the army, which makes me a nervous wreck. Maybe it will make him a man. But maybe it will destroy him. I don't know.

I have a million stories I could tell, but I should stop there, I don't mean to dump on everyone. But this is an epiphany for me, and it's got me on the edge of tears. Thanks for listening if you're still with me.

Hurting people hurt others, unfortunately everyone is hurting somewhat and it right now US culture doesn't seem to encourage enough self reflection to stop these cycles.

I strive to take each person as I perceive them, help a bit where I can and build great relationships with people who can do that.

I also know I'm egocentric, selfish, short-sighted which is humanities default so I'm aware there are bad days and sometimes I even neglect good friends and in turn will be neglected by people who care for me deeply. I'm also sure I've hurt a random stranger sometime this week, but mostly life is pretty fantastic

ALSO, it's common for cult leaders to be extremely narcissistic. Just sayin.

First of all I think it is important to note that human connection (a sense of safety & security) are BASIC needs. (Maslows Hierarchy of Needs). When we feel completely disconnected we revert to primal behavior because our survival skills have been placed into question. As soon as we admit the relationship is toxic we need to find ways to 1. get out of it 2. heal from the damage 3. Connect with someone in a healthy way
But, we have to also admit to ourselves that we contributed to our own downfall and WILL repeat it if we look outside of ourselves for a "savior". I have been the overly dramatic person that no-one wanted to be around and I cannot say I blame them now that I have encountered it on the receiving end.
As much as I would like to give people more slack it is critical to put my own health above their pain. I cannot swim while trying to hold someone else's head above water so I would recommend telling them they can have my attention but they need to ask for it. We all have reasons for our behaviors (Charles Manson played with rats as a child because he was severely neglected. The state even stepped in, took him from his mother and gave him back) but that does not mean they are healthy and no-one should have to tolerate toxic behavior because someone else has issues.
The way I see it , abuse of any kind is like emotional vomit. Someone puked in our heads and many of us have years of dried up toxic waste to clean up because of the actions of others but that mess is our responsibility now and no-one should have to be subjected to the stench except a professional. My brother is "an attention whore" and there are plenty of reasons for it but all I can do to help him and keep myself healthy is to tell him that I am here for him but not for his drama.

Very well said. I've seen a close friend of mine experience a toxic relationship much like you describe and the aftermath after she left him. It definitely gave me more insight and empathy. Thanks for your post.

I'll bet you can sniff these folks out from a mile away now too.

Sorry this has happened to you. I'm a giver (IRL), I don't judge and I have always tended an ear to understand someone's back story (if they are willing to share). Seems I have that type of face. We all try our best of every situation, sometimes it's for the collective, sometimes is for the self. We strive for balance and self worth as well as contributing members of society.

Raised by a narcissist, yet unaware of the term, I get it, too.. Seems if dad did anything well it was having wrung the self esteem from his children, beginning with the oldest, me. Wasn’t till I left home that life felt worth living.. As I still struggle not to over compensate

Up side, I’d never treat anyone that way, too long on the receiving end.. Down side, seems I’m a caregiver (had 3 siblings to protect), susceptible to ‘projects’ I ultimately can not repair.

Spent time with a nine-point narsissist a couple years ago, I’d rented a room from him while looking for a home. Wow - went away shook, but nothing like a lifetime’s worth. Now instantly apparent in men, it’s women who I’m not as quick to pick up on, thus ..reluctant to pursue.

A recent co-worker’s daughter had married a narcissist, I’d hear the details as her mom attempted to keep their fast growing family protected. Damn. Now one’s the President!

First there is always an unknown story, so I cut everybody slack. There was a serial killer on death row who had committed crimes so awful that processing them made me sick and a little unsteady... when he was little he was punished by having his pets gruesomely killed while being forced to watch. It was harder to hate him, knowing that. Attention seeking can be a viable therapy for someone starved for love, a malnourished person isn't a food whore because they desperately need to eat.
My mom was single with 5 kids at 22, severely depressed, emotionally absent always and physically for weeks sometimes. I was 10, the youngest about 3 so we got very good at survival early. She blamed me for her ruined life, I wasn't good for one thing, I wasn't even good for nothing, I had negative value.
I think it's true, not fair because that's life, that women are more likely to use attention seeking to self medicate. Men, me for sure, tend to turn towards self destructive behaviors and drugs, kill the pain and hasten the end. Spoiler alert, I'm not going to go on today but my story has a happy ending and not just in the masseusecal sense.

My experiences were with an alcoholic, so my troubles skewed toward codependency, but much of what you have described also applies to my journey. Thank you and sending you many hugs.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon

Thank you for that. Your comment is insightful and helpful. (It resonated too, because I am still in a tricky situation myself.)

Everything you said made complete sense. I'm sorry that someone like you was mistreated this way. It's horrible to think about.

Fingers crossed for you that your next relationship is nurturing, loving and respectful. Hugs.

It happens to guys too. Seeking attention, feeling vulnerable, desperate and lonely is not a good place to be. Anyhow... Usually trying to walk in someone else shoes helps to understand a bit better where that person is coming from. Let your brain run free and if it doesn't shut up then its fine. A lot of times letting it all out on places like this one is the greatest therapy. You may get an unexpected negative response, it comes with the territory. It seems to me that you have already come out stronger.

I completely understand you

I did something similar when I escaped my narcissist mother. Really badly. Because I had no identity other than what she forced on me. My ex-girlfriend and her friends had to weather what was essentially a second adolescence. None of them speak to me any more and on the one hand I don't blame them, but on the other hand I do kind of resent how they labelled me a lazy drama queen, which only made things worse for me.