I like reading the different views as well. I think everyone is in agreement that how someone spends their time is important, so eventually you'd want to know and understand many areas of a person's life.

The question is, at one point do you ask? Is it within the first 20 seconds, the first 10 minutes.. after an hour?

Sometime after the first 20 seconds would be more polite.

@Athena oh definitely...ugh...I try to give people a break on trying to find "safe" things to talk about, but, bringing it up too quickly tells me that communication is going to be a problem down the road...lol...20 seconds? UGH

@thinktwice

Two thumbs up to that!

I understand that is why someone appears to ask - I was hoping for a reason I can relate to, as I don't see it as a way to know. It misses so many aspects of someone. I work in an industry that is considered, by many, antithetical to who I am, my world view and the things I value.

I believe it possibly suggests two other things; either the person doesn't have much else to ask, or a limited ability for conversation (and not a person who understands how to build rapport and eventually real connection, i.e, why you do, versus what you do..), or they are trying to determine things about me by my occupation, and/or assessing whether they are interested in me based on my occupation.

Neither of these are of interest to me. I wouldn't fault anyone for thinking how they think. However, these reasons you mention are ones that I assume raise the question of occupation. You'll note, I specified that this is a question I find puzzling as an initial question. How someone spends their time is important, indeed. But at what point do you decide that?

If it's right away, I'm not that interested in getting to know you.

@Athena Well I hear you, but I don't think you can assume anymore from demonstrated curiosity about your occupation than the man can assume from your answer. Seems like a pretty innocuous question to me, and I would assume it to be so absent other evidence. Not everyone backs into building rapport and connection like you do. In fact, I can just about guarantee most men will not do it that way. We go from the concrete to the subjective, women tend to do the inverse. Vive la difference.

You seem defensive about how your profession is perceived. I can't speak for all men, but speaking for myself, particularly in this day and age, I don't assume much about what a woman does (or doesn't) do for a living. I had breakfast out this morning, at a little eatery next to a construction site, and a young lady in a hard hat sat at the table across from me to have coffee and breakfast. I did not assume that she was "not very bright" nor was I at all surprised that she was quite attractive. In other words I had no particular expectations of a female construction worker. I suppose a generation or two ago I might have expected more of a "Rosie the riveter" type in that role, but that has changed.

I have a son-in-law who is a house-husband and my daughter wears the pants in the family, as they used to say ... she is by far the major, nearly the sole, bread-winner. She's a nurse; that in itself is not a highly stereotyped and constrained role, and there are many men who are nurses today.

So it goes. I think you may be over-estimating how consequential particular jobs are, or how many are on a list of deal-breakers, in men's minds. Then again ... maybe I'm out of touch at my age or mis-extrapolating how younger men than I would think about this. That's just my $0.02 plus inflation, for what it's worth.

@HotAlutiiq Yeah there's that too. Seems like if you're striking up a potential intimate relationship with someone, what occupies a great deal of their time and how they feel about it is pretty consequential and also, not incidentally, a great way to express genuine interest in their life and experience. [shrug]

I don't believe it's a good question to ask right away, no. I know men who feel the same way.

"Hi, I'm Jack."

"Hi Jack, I'm Jill, what do you do?"

Thought bubble:

"I'm the guy who's about to toss you down that hill."

@Athena Actually, that is a good question to ask anyone to establish bases for conversation. For example, you answer that you work for one o the mega churches, or that you serve a God. I wouldn’t continue to talk. On other hand, if you say that you work for Sam Harris, or are physics teacher, I would know where the conversation will be headed. Between us atheists, I think it’s okay to skip niceties.

Thank you for your answer.

I think this is exactly the point. Right away a person, man or woman, may feel they are being interviewed to earn more time.
When I meet a person, anyone, I don't want to feel like I'm on an audition to move to the next round.

Interestingly, this doesn't happen nearly as often when I meet someone in person. It more typically occurs within a social media or online forum.

@Athena But doesn't this happen all the time, in every situation? Sizing up can be either positive or negative, but it's how we are wired. In the getting-to-know someone phase, I am not being judgemental but I am curious. If the meeting is in person I'll have already done pre-work and have enough interest to meet. If not, more information gathering within the bounds of polite civility.

I'm stealing that line.

You missing the point. The question wouldn’t be about bills, but about who they are. Besides, it’s hard to figure out someone unless you ask direct questions and verify the answers. You know, we people lie.

@Ladislaver
I think you might be missing the point. Building rapport is about getting to know someone without interviewing them. How someone feels while speaking with another is important. You find out these things eventually, but asking immediately is a sign of, either poor conversation skills, or something the asker is using as a process of elimination.

Which you stated is the reason you do it. If that's the case, I'm happy to be eliminated.

Thank you very much for the generosity in your words and sentiment.
I'm currently single but haven't made any efforts to change that, as I ended an engagement not that long ago. Although things ended well and I don't feel I'm in recovery, so to speak, I've always taken long pauses between relationships. That probably has something to do with enjoying the state of being on my own, combined with giving the relationship the respect it deserves, i.e. metaphorically allowing the scent of one man to leave my home, before bringing in another.

These encounters I've had with men have been somewhat incidental. They range from friends arranging blind dates (initial phone call), to pulling up a stagnant online dating account to "see what the wind blows in."

Interestingly, the subject of occupation doesn't come up as quickly when I'm in social settings. It's only when they haven't met me yet, perhaps learning what they can, to decide if they'd like to. Occupation seems to be one criterion that needs to be met, in that decision making process, and therefore known immediately.

In the case where I have a written profile available, I would imagine that would provide adequate information to determine whether I'm someone of interest to them. This question they ask about my work, is so off-putting to me, that it's a non starter.
Many of my male friends haven't understand why, until I flipped the question as one posed to them by a woman.

When I'm in a healthy relationship or when I'm completely unattached, I'm in a state of pure gratitude and joy.. the process of meeting someone new just makes me want to take a nap!

Thanks again for your kind words.

@Athena I see, you are subscribing to only the dating part of this place.

@Ladislaver
No, I'm not dating. I'm only here for community.
This has nothing to do with this site.

I think the moment someone brings up their work, the question is fine, as in the example you gave about working nights.

I usually will ask what made them choose their occupation, or if they enjoy what they do, even before "what do you do." You see what people appear to be, but I'm interested in the meat of what makes them tick.

There's a huge difference between "I'm a lawyer because both my parents are and they really wanted that for me too." And, "When I was a kid my father was wrongly convicted of a crime and spent 2 years in jail before they discovered he was innocent. He said he had a really bad lawyer."

Exactly Crikk

That's fair. Occupation is a part of someone's life.. but I'm curious; how do you feel when it's the first question a woman asks you?

@Ladislaver
Can't come up with anything else?

Exactly. When someone places the conduct of a person, their demeanour, their sincerity, thoughts, or ability to make conversation, above the importance of his or her profession, this is someone I'd like to know.

@Athena I couldn't agree more. That quality in a person indicates that they're able to see beyond labels and superficial trappings and appreciate the CHARACTER of others.

@Akfishlady I've had those experiences. It's sad when people utterly lose their passions to be purely practical.

Even if you don't have much time, I think it's important to maintain things you love. Spending 10 minutes before bed reading or playing an instrument can do a lot to keep your spirit alive.

I agree.