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Excited and then disappointed again

"Open heart-open mind" has been my modus operandi for years. Being vulnerable can result in feeling disappointed and hurt. I refuse to become bitter and jaded.

Yesterday at the Democrat barbecue, I sat across from an older friend. She introduced me to her son John, 63, sitting beside her. Immediately he turned on the charm.

"Great!" I thought. "John is handsome, fit, not wearing a wedding ring and a Democrat."

We talked for 30 minutes during dinner and later, standing on the grass in the shade as candidates gave speeches.

"You are very fit," he said repeatedly. John asked to go hiking with me. I said yes.

Good old Google. When I got home, I looked up John. He's married. He and his wife won an award in 2018 for growing superior organic fruits.

With online dating, married men lie about being single to get laid. What happened? Did John's marriage slip his mind?

Although I feel disappointed, this will pass. Your thoughts?

LiterateHiker 9 July 16
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30 comments

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6

Perhaps it might be best not to assume anything and if you want to know something ASK.

6

I guess that I should go to a Democrat BBQ... I am single. 🙂

Buddha Level 8 July 16, 2018

Me too! I hadn't thought of that!

6

Single, fit Democrat men my age are as rare as a two-dollar bill. Here's my joke about middle-aged, single men in Wenatchee, WA:

"If I wanted a fat, out of shape, ignorant, good ol' boy, Republican, judgmental Christian, fisherman and hunter who loves his Harley, snowmobile and chainsaw and decorates with antlers, I'd be all SET."

Even with all the positive qualities you named for a potential partner, the most important is personality compatibility, can you get along with one another. The others are relatively superficial, imho.

So find find a younger man. : ) It would effortless for you. I dare you to ask a younger man out. : )

@JohnINFP
Through Fitness Singles, I have been talking with an avid hiker from Mill Creek, WA who is nine years younger than me.

@LiterateHiker hmmm I don't know if that will work. Only 9 years younger? He's not going to be able to keep up with energy level either, poor guy. 😟 You're going to have go younger. 51 maybe. : )

@JohnINFP
He says he is a fast hiker.

@LiterateHiker He 'says' he is a fast hiker, but what really matters is. Can keep up with you? : ) Even if he can meet that one requirement, I know you have a whole obstacle course ready for him to run. : ) Good luck to that dude!

@JohnINFP

"I want to go slower to enjoy wildflowers and take photos," he said last weekend. That's what I do, too.

@LiterateHiker Awww <3 He already sounds like a winner!

5

It's disappointing..but he was clearly taken with you.

So perhaps he just wants to enjoy your company.

For all you know his marriage could be dead..and he might only be married in name for a myriad of reasons.

5

Sometimes a hike is just a hike.

@flyingsaucesir
Hiking is a bonding experience for couples and friends.

Together we challenge ourselves, surmount obstacles, build confidence, cross huge, scary creeks, problem-solve, savor spectacular beauty, do first aid, share food and help each other.

@LiterateHiker and all my children were virgin births. He should have been open. I want to play and explore. No relationship designs...lying was unnecessary A definite douche

5

His marriage did not slip his mind at all.

4

Maybe he has a non monogamous relationship? A lot of people do and that may not be for you, but that wouldn't make him a bad person. On the other hand he could be separated...on the other other hand he could be a liar and happily married and his wife has no idea. A lot of guys are dishonest ?

4

I'm 63 too. Sometimes I forget where I put my glasses.

Gareth Level 7 July 16, 2018

I would DEFFO train my dog to find your glasses.... 😉 ?

4

Sounds dishonest to me. You don't need to accommodate dishonesty. No one does.

4

He’s a schmuck.

jab60 Level 6 July 16, 2018
3

What's the saying "Trust but verify". Never take anything at face value. Also, I am sure there are lots of women who don't care and who pull the same trick. I know I once lived downstairs from the town playboy and there were lots of married women going in and out of his revolving door.

@JackPedigo
ronin73 commented below:

"An old auditing term; trust but verify."

@LiterateHiker But it should apply in other areas as well.
I once worked for KPMG (an international accounting firm). At the holiday time we would decorate out spaces and I put a lionshead door knocker on the door and made a sign "Scrooge & Marley counting house. All the accountants realized that, yes, Scrooge was an accountant but they never made the connection until my sign.

3

Maybe he’s separated or getting divorced, maybe what you say was inaccurate. Why would his mother try to introduce the two of you if he’s married? I would suggest more investigation.

Maybe his mother hates her daughter in law.

@Qualia maybe

@NothinnXpreVails
It is good manners to introduce family and friends at the table.

"This is my son John," she said. "This is Kathleen. We were on the Family Planning board together."

@LiterateHiker ok, anyway, maybe he’s divorcing or something else. Maybe he’s a sleazy worm. You won’t know until you ask.

@NothinnXpreVails
Thank you.

3

I’m an almost divorced 55-year-old Democrat. I’m pretty physically fit, and I would love to stuggle through a hike with you. Unfortunately, I live very far away from you.

Hermit Level 7 July 16, 2018

@JustLynnie Ha! I read it as "snuggle!"

@Carin ‘Stuggle’ is a combination of struggling and snuggling.

@Hermit I'm getting some very interesting images in my head...

3

There could be an innocent motive. I will say that it sounds like he was deliberately hiding it from you although even that could still be innocent. I had an ex-boss who remained married because their son required extensive medical assistance so their combined health coverage was intact but he was legitimately separated and only married on paper.

He clearly hid it from you, but if it is innocent and a noble reason then he's probably not interested in leading with that. "Hi, I'm still married but would you like to go hiking?" is probably low on the "best pickup lines" article. If I was you I'd find out why he hid it from you before laying down judgment. The mother was clearly in on it and most wouldn't allow their sons to hit on friends of theirs in front of them.

Would you accept that there could be a good reason that he's still married? What if he is recently separated, would that be acceptable? If you could conceive of a reason that you'd accept, text him and find out why he hid it from you. I wouldn't put my money on there being a good reason, but I think it'd be better to know for sure.

@mattersauce
John's 85 year-old mother is not responsible for his behavior. He is not a child.

"The mother was clearly in on it and most wouldn't allow their sons to hit on friends of theirs in front of them," you wrote.

John is responsible for his own behavior.

@weldingguy
Thank you for your compliment. Good point.

@LiterateHiker I never said his mother was responsible for his behavior or that he wasn't responsible for his own behavior. She clearly knows that he is married and that he was hitting on you and most likely wouldn't allow him to hit on a friend of hers in front of her if she knew it would be cheating. Try quoting the entire statement you misunderstood next time.

@mattersauce
You wrote:

"The mother was clearly in on it and most wouldn't allow their sons to hit on friends of theirs in front of them."

I know his mother well. She is a wonderful person with a big heart.

She is not in cahoots with her son, helping him hit on women. That's absurd.

3

Guys like that give the rest of us a bad name, as if we need more help. ☺

Only if women unfairly think all men are alike

[agnostic.com]

3

Very curious about "marriages" in name-only? I was never able "wait" it out for better times.. if it wasn't happening I left. I realize i was immature and insecure back then. Would be more financially stable today if We could have co-existed back then but i wanted lovers So I left. Am I sounding judgemental? Don't nean to be

EvaV Level 7 July 16, 2018
3

He's out to add you to his list,break your Heart,then rip it from your chest and stomp on it,callous ,uncaring,a ladykiller,not to be trusted.

2

I am married. So is my wife. We both have had friends of both sexes for our whole lives.

The wife has a number of male friends who are artists, and scientists. As i do.

One of my closest friends is a women i met in '92. We regularly have lunches and conversations.

Did he in any way imply other than doing what he said?

Maybe it was you who was expecting what was not implied.

I may be being shitty here. But, as a man, i get tired of "hearing" about how we men are shits, no matter how we behave. Looks like i just was. Just can't win.

JacarC Level 8 July 16, 2018

As a human, I can tell when somebody is behaving and talking as though they are "available" in some form or fashion.

Kathleen was pretty clear that that was the vibe. I trust that she is astute and adept when it comes to reading body language and tone.

That said, there are a lot of us who don't like it when people lump all of one (men or women) into one big pot and refer to them as whatever the derogatory word of the day is.

@BlueWave I was not being derogatory. Nor dismissive.

I have been accused of "flirting," and being "charming." Never did understand what those are.

My father was always polite and smilie and complementary and joking. I learned to do the same. I do it all the time. In person and during phone and messaging.

So, i am sure my general demeanor could be described as "acting available."
"Tis a conundrum.

@Jacar I was not talking about you saying anything derogatory. I was agreeing with you that I don’t like it when people lump people into the group and talk.

2

Ok, the guy is married!!! Nuf said. I do not wear a wedding ring, have not since I almost tore my finger off at work. If I am out and a woman approaches me one of the first things I do is talk about Kate, my wife. In no way would i want to even be considered to lead someone on. If i get hit on, which does happen, i say i am married to the love of my life. Kate is I'll, she cannot get out, really i guess i could cheat on her, but why would i do that. Terribly dishonest of me. Would you want to be with a person who was cheating, i would not. Life is to short to go through it dishonestly. I will not do it. Now i have stated that i would go hiking with you, i ment go hiking, you saved someone's life, i would be safe. I talk to many women on this site. I in no way mean to play games, I get along with women better than men, always been that way. I guess it is because of my childhood, which I will not get into here. I put forth an honest persona, I expect one back. Thoughts.

2

Sometimes it's to get laid. Occasionally, it's really because we see something legitimately alluring. Either way, be upfront about it.

2

I am sorry this happened to you as well...if he had said he was married to begin with, maybe you would have heard a different story...will you let this drop or will you confront him?

@thinktwice
I gave John my phone number. When he calls, I will ask him if he is married, and say I don't feel comfortable hiking with him unless his wife comes, too.

@LiterateHiker That is a good way to handle it..

1

Sometimes there is more to the story... and sometimes married people are lonely and flirt in order to feel desired. Or maybe they have an "arrangement".

My wife and I have an "arrangement" but I am always very up front about it with a potential partner, since I know a lot of people aren't cool with that, I don't talk about it with many people otherwise as it is very looked down upon in rural-churchy-red areas like where I live.

I don't think you should pursue, but if the opportunity comes up to talk to him again,,,,call him out about it...always interesting to hear the whys.

arnies Level 7 July 28, 2018
1

Better luck next time. I remember dating someone married that eventually told me... "You did never asked me if I was married so I never told you." I always thought among grown ups will be a standard operating procedure to express your condition... we both been wrong.

1

No slip. Intentional. Hard to trust a guy and I'm a guy. If I lived near you, I would hike with you. We have had that conversation. Not married. Sorry this happened. Always leaves a negative butterfly effect.

@Heatlhydoc70
Thank you for your kind words.

1

Sigh.... that's unnerving.
I've run background checks on everyone I was interested in, save for one or two who were easy to sleuth. I'm sorry Kathleen.
At best he's an "overlapper", at worst he's....well...I feel sorry for his wife.

Qualia Level 8 July 16, 2018

Is this a trust or control thing?

@Marz Interesting choice of words. It's a safety thing.
Say you had a daughter, would you be ok with her going out with some rando she met on the internet without checking him out at all?

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